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5

Cobras… OUT!

An extraordinary General Meeting was called by manager essenn on Saturday morning, just 24 hours before the Cobras home match against 1 FC LIVERKUSEN. All the players, coaches, and backroom staff – from both the Camberwell Cobras and the Hartwell Hornets – were in attendance, alongside fans and members from the Riversdale Crew. essenn patiently waited until the crowd settled down, then dropped the bombshell…

“There is no easy way of saying this, so I’ll just get straight to the point… at the end of this current season, the Camberwell Cobras will cease to exist!”

The following 10 minutes of mayhem involved threats of physical abuse, shouting, yelling, bottles of Little Creatures Pale Ale being thrown, flying chairs, airborne hotdogs, even crying. When the mob finally calmed down, a pissed off essenn continued…

“Let’s get one thing clear – it’s not my fucking fault! I have been forced into this decision. For some reason, the powers that be at Hattrick have decided to raise the price of Supporter by a ridiculous amount. There is no fucking way that I am going to pay a stupid amount of money to keep the Cobras alive – it’s just not worth it, and I cannot justify it. A slight increase I could handle, but this increase is just bloody outrageous. You all have every right to be extremely angry about this, but don’t take out your frustrations on me – you should all be pissed off with HT!”

More scenes of chaos followed, and essenn took the opportunity to duck outside for a quick toke and a can of Melbourne Bitter before addressing the mob again…

“So what does all this mean? Well, the Cobras will see out the current season. Most of the senior players will be sold over the coming weeks, as I have no intention of training them any further. Results in the league will be shit, but quite frankly who cares! The Hornets will also continue until the Club shuts its doors for good. There will be no more youth pulls as of this week. The 20-odd million ‘Oceanian’ dollars we currently have in the bank will be lost for good. Cahill Stadium will fall into disrepair and eventually crumble away. Once all the decent players are sold, all coaches and staff will be sacked – sorry for that, but again it’s not my fault.”

“For what it’s worth, I had a great time with the Camberwell Cobras. Things were coming along nicely and I actually enjoyed this Club. It’s such a shame that it had to end this way, a real fucking shame…”

 

This is the End…

 

 

8

Hall of Fame members have their say

 

The scheduled press conference to kick-off the new season was abruptly cancelled at the last minute today by manager essenn. Although details are sketchy, it’s believed essenn is furious that the expansion to Cahill Stadium has yet to be completed – despite promises by the constructors that it would be ready in time for the first match of the season. Reports indicate that essenn was on his way to Dodgy Bros. Inc to find out exactly what on earth was going on!

Earlier this week however we briefly caught up with the 4 members of the Cobras Hall of Fame. We asked them for their thoughts about the new season and the mighty CFC in general – here are their responses…

 

Garry ‘McFly’ McDermott (Hotdog vendor)

mcfly

“I don’t get to see much of them to be honest – it’s hard to watch the matches when you’re selling hotdogs and pies to the spectators. I’m hoping for another great season though… with the recent expansion to Cahill Stadium there will be even more food stalls around the ground. If you need food or drinks whilst watching the Cobras, look for the golden curves and visit McDermotts!”

 

 

Brock ‘Hammer’ Irons (Unemployed)

hammer“You’re asking the wrong bloke mate… I spend most of my time collecting empty bottles and cigarette butts during the games. But I want them to do well, coz the more people that are watching means more shit for me to collect. So yeah, keep going Cobras and win more matches and get promoted soon so that I can make some more cash! And I look forward to the 5 season reunion – hopefully my old teammates can chip in and buy me a new suit for the occasion.”

 

Jai ‘Drama’ Folkes (Referee)

drama“It’s in my best interests not to comment on anything about Camberwell FC, as some might see it as being a ‘favourable’ advantage should I ever referee in one of their matches. The last thing I want is to be known as a corrupt match official! I will however say that I believe the Cobras are heading in the right direction, and I wish them the best of luck this season.”

 

 

Roy ‘Biggus Dickus’ Boon (Actor)

boon“Greetings from LA! I’m a bit exhausted from last night – who would have thought shooting scenes in an adult movie would be so tiring? It’s much harder than I expected, but the end result is well worth it – trust me! And that is what Camberwell needs to do this season to defend their title… give every inch they’ve got and go in hard all the time. If they do that, the results will come!”

 

 

 

2

V.125 Champions!

The Riversdale Hotel was the venue last night as the Cobras held their end-of-season celebrations. Despite the team losing their promotion match against The Snotballs Rejuvenated earlier in the afternoon, the ‘Dale was still pumping, with beer flowing freely and the patrons full of voice & singing at the top of their lungs. All the players, coaches, and club officials were present, along with the Riversdale Crew who were leading the celebrations. Late in the evening, essenn jumped onto the bar with a frothy in his hand and proclaimed the season a success for Camberwell…

“Champions of V.125 – that’s what we are baby! Against all the odds we won the bloody thing! We weren’t the best, but we somehow managed to win it. And that’s another trophy in our cabinet… 2 more than those Moose Knuckleheads! It’s disappointing that we lost today in extra-time, but let’s be honest and admit that we were never going to win. Our young players are developing well however and the future looks good for the Cobras… promotion will come sooner than later.”

boon“I’d also like to inform everyone that Roy ‘Biggus Dickus’ Boon has announced his retirement today. A member of the original squad, Boon scored 8 goals in 16 ‘official’ matches for the Cobras. But he won’t be forgotten, because as of right now, he becomes the 4th member of the Cobras’ Hall of Fame. Thanks for the memories Biggus Dickus, and best of luck in your new acting career – make sure you send us all copies of your movies!”

 

essenn also took the opportunity to unveil next seasons’ playing kits. The home strip remains almost the same, but the away strip has been completely revamped…

“We’ve made some minor changes to our home strip, but the big change however is with our away strip. I wasn’t happy with the old white versions – for some reason the designers couldn’t get it right. So we’ve decided to ditch the white and replace it with yellow instead… hopefully the new kit gets a good response with our fans and supporters. Go Cobras, go…”

The playing kits for next season... including the new look 'away' strip (on the right)

The playing kits for next season… including the new look ‘away’ strip (on the right)

 

 

Season Award Winners

‘King’ Cobra:  Yossef KorenKoren

Bought to the Club late last season as a future coach, Koren was voted 12 times as MVP, giving him the title of King Cobra. Often leading the attack by himself, his 9 goals throughout the season helped in landing the title for the Cobras.

 

 

‘Junior’ Cobra:  Jakub GluszakGrizzly

A constant ‘team of the week’ member in V.125, Grizzly takes the award for best young player. His great work on the wing for the Cobras was a joy to watch, and resulted in him scoring 5 goals this season.

 

 

‘Killer’ Cobra:  Kostya ShermanKostya

Leading the scoring charts with 12 goals for the season, including 2 in the Cup, Kostya’s good form as ‘2nd-string’ striker sees him taking out the Killer award. It also ensures he wears the no.9 for the next campaign.