About Author: LA-LordBastard

Description
I like taking long, romantic walks on the beach and watch the sunset and shoot dolphins - My other car is the Millenium Falcon -

Posts by LA-LordBastard

3445

:::The Most Evil Mascot in the World:::

Captain Spandex Ballet

Captain Spandex Ballet was fit and he knew it! He was not evil like the new guy. He was a goodie two shoes guy and only had two pairs of good shoes -

Following the tragic death of the team’s former mascot 3 months ago, Þórshamar’s manager decided that the time of grieving had passed and the position of the team mascot had to be filled.

After the sudden death of Captain Spandex Ballet, which the coroner ruled as “Hyper-allergic-reaction-to-spandex“, the fans of Þórshamar were devastated, even though he died during his first show at the stadium and nobody knew who he was.
A memorial service was held at his favorite local fast food restaurant, CrapDonalds, and the body was buried in a shallow little lake near his home.

But today the fans can rejoice again, because a new mascot is in town.
His name is Darth Vader and some people might remember him from the films “Honey, I choked the kids” and “Dude, where’s my lightsaber?“.
Lord Vader, as his minions address him, will be performing his spectacular show before kick-off and at half time during home games at Asgard stadium to get the audience going.

I caught Darth Vader earlier today and asked him a few questions.

JJJ: “Welcome Lord Vader. How do you like Iceland?” –

DV: “Thank you rebelscum. Well it’s a little bit colder than I expected. But nothing compared to Hoth I tell you!” –

JJJ: “Is it true that you once turned down a leading role as Mr. Spock in Star Trek?” –

DV: “Yes, that is true. I didn’t find the script evil enough. For instance, there was no dark side or an evil emperor. So I gave that show the finger.” –

JJJ: “Can you tell me a little what the fans can expect from your show in the coming future?” –

Darth Vader arrives at Asgard stadium today. He is a hunk of evil that fellow. Even his luggage is pure evil. -

DV: “Yes I can. I will reenact some scenes from my past movies. Mostly involving choking some lucky volunteer from the audience to death.” –

“I will also perform a stunt I haven’t been practicing much, swallowing my lightsaber. Last time I performed that stunt was a long time ago in another galaxy far, far away.” –

“Also I will do some magic tricks for the kids and make an elephant disappear.” –

JJJ: “Thank you Lord Vader for your time and not using the force to choke me to death.” –

John Jay Johnsson -
Local reporter for HTU in Fáskrúðsfjörður -
Iceland -

264

:::Finally a new friggin’ blog!:::

As you can see, the Blog had a great time on the beaches of Greenland -

Yup. It’s new, it’s fresh, it’s awesome and it got less calories now!

The Þórshamar’s blog is back after summer vacation.

Yes, we are very sorry about that, but we don’t make the rules. It had to come back someday. It was inevitable.
That’s just the way the universe works. Blogs go on summer vacation like everyone else and return from it with a tan and some heavy hangovers like everyone else.

So…We’re back and hope you enjoy reading future blogs.

1

:::To the victor belong the spoils:::

LA-LordBastard had a few glasses of bubbly to calm the nerves after the 1-3 win today. Who can blame the little fellow? -

Newcomers Þórshamar in division III.5 managed somehow to walk away with three points in the pocket after winning the first match of the season today 1-3.

We were not favorites today, and before the game I would have been delighted with a draw against such a strong opponent, especially since most of my players were tipsy or drunk.” – stated manager LA-LordBastard after the game.

We can talk about how the other team was supposed to be much stronger than we, but fiddlesticks, that doesn’t matter now. We won the game and walk away tall and proud.” – he continued

I just hope we will continue this run and beat our next rivals, Hildibrandur, at home ground next Sunday sober.” – he said.

After the game, a big party was held at Asgard stadium, to celebrate this superfragilisticexpialidocious win and the expansion of the stadium from mere 38.000 seats to whopping 50.000 seats.

Also the president of the Þórshamar’s fan club announced a new name for the club. The new name for the club is “Skálmöld” – wich can be translated to English as “reign of terror” or “age of terror“.

The season begins with a bang for Þórshamar, that’s for sure.

Stay drunk lads!

236

:::New half time entertainment:::

LulzVanilla doing what they do best -

The entertainment committee of Þórshamar has announced new half time entertainments to be presented next Sunday in the final game of the season against Scousers.

It’s going to be huge.” – said Mr. Gaylord Gutenheim president of the committee.

We hit the jackpot when we managed to lure them away from our rivals Grassbumpers FC to entertain the audience at Asgard Stadium.

The said entertainment is a couple of world famous mimes who has won the hearts of everyone on planet earth and the moon. Famous for their robust and daredevil mimes which often but not leaves the audiences speechless and in awe.

I managed to get a private interview with the mime duo LulzVanilla, Rob and Fab.

JJJ:When did you two decide to become a mime?

Rob: ”                                                               ”

JJJ:Was it hard growing up like that on the street?

Fab: ”                                   ”

JJJ:I hear Rob’s sister, Milli, is a big influence in your work?

Rob: ”                                                 ”

JJJ:
What can people expect to see at half time for future games?

Rob: ”                                                                                         ”

Fab: ”                                      ”

JJJ:Of course not, that would be silly of course.

JJJ:Thank you guys for the interview and good luck next Sunday.

John Jay Johnsson -
Local reporter for HTU in Fáskrúðsfjörður -
Iceland -

6

:::You’re all fired!:::

The former scouts drinking courage into themselves right before heading out to the schoolyards looking for young boys - to play football for the YA

After so many disappointing calls from the Youth Academy scouts, the manager of Þórshamar has decided to put his foot down.

It appears that the scouts have been producing to the Youth Academy of Þórshamar nothing but garbage of young lads to train at the academy. Week after week it has always been the same. Nothing but useless waterboys and sissy boys.

And the best part is that these scouts didn’t even trouble themselves pointing out the obvious best skills the boys held! It’s all just mystery and enigma to them for the manager to find out. Well, manager LA-LordBastard is not amused and has given them the boot, and we are not talking about the golden boot.
So long guys and thanks for all the fish!” – he wrote on their Twitter pages.

Also their method of recruiting young boys to the Youth Academy were controversial. Hanging around school football grounds and offering the kids candy and asking them to come and have a chat in their van so they can make them the next Ronaldo.
It was all well meant, but it looks really really bad to say at least.

As you can see the new scouts are assertive, tenacious, graceful and elegant - All the element the old scouts didn't have, and they don't scare the children so easily-

The manager of Þórshamar has given them a weeks notice through text messages on his new rocket galactic gizmo phone and has already signed three new scouts via Facebook on his new Cern Nuclear super duper computer.

I have a feeling about those three new fellas. I think they got what it takes to find the young talent I am looking for.” – he stated.

All three scouts come from the Royal Ballet House of Pancakes, where they worked scouting young talents for various ballet companies from all over the world. So maybe we will see some Baryshnikovs leaping from tackles in the near future.
I just hope they can play football as well.

John Jay Johnsson -
Local reporter for HTU in Fáskrúðsfjörður -
Iceland -

140

:::Johnny Deep arrested:::

Mr. Deep said he has no regrets but apologized to the owners of the hats -

Last night the police tracked down and arrested the notorius hat molester, Johnny Deep.

Mr. Deep, who strikes a remarkable resemblance to the famous actor Johnny Depp and also has a simular name, was tracked down after the police had received anonymous tips from a local resident.

Mr. Deep was arrested in his apartment and taken into custody. In his apartment the police found thousands of hats that had been reported missing. Some were in bad shape while others were still looking rather nice.

Amoung the large collection of hats in the apartment, the hat of Mrs. Svitafýlu Táfýludóttir that was reported missing last week was found unharmed.

Mr. Deep can expect up to 2 weeks in jail for his vicious crimes against hats, or to pay a small fine.

256

:::Have you seen this accessory?:::

Most recent picture of Mrs. Svitafýlu's hat -

Last Sunday an elderly woman lost her hat at Þórshamar’s Asgard stadium.

The hat has much sentimental value to the owner, Mrs. Svitafýla Táfýludóttir, who says the hat is unique. It is pink.

The hat was designed by team of engineers at Ferrari and produced by a group of monkeys at the Copenhagen Zoo. The hat has a distinct aroma of new car smell and monkey feces.

The Police issued a statement earlier this week which says that nothing indicates foul play even though a witness stated seeing some shady hat collectors in the stand last Sunday.

Manager of Þórshamar, LordBastard, says the club is not liable for loosing Mrs. Svitafýlu’s ugly hat and will do nothing to compensate the loss.

The Police has offered a handsome reward of 2 kg of fried beans and 1 bucket of french salad dressing for the finder of the hat.

4

:::Iceland independence day:::

Today is the Iceland independence day, the 17th of June.

For that occasion I am publishing few of my photos from Iceland.

Also I will be opening up a Photo Gallery page very soon on this blog.

Enjoy!

 

ari

GlyGG
Með klaka / On the rocks

 

153

:::New famous stadium announcer:::

Yup, it’s official. There have been some rumors floating around the stadium and the town for the past weeks, and now they have been confirmed by the board of Þórshamar.

Elvis Presley is the new stadium announcer at Asgard stadium.

76 years old and still looks like a teenager - Minus the teeth

The famous singer, which gave up his singing career in 1977, decided to move to Hawaii to become a volcano specialist, but got on the wrong plane and ended as a flufffarmer on a small island east of Iceland, harvesting down from birds and selling them to Japan. He also became an avid rock collector.

Back then, for some strange reason, half of the earth population thought he had passed away on a bathroom floor somewhere in America because he didn’t leave a note on the kitchen table saying he was leaving.
But the simple truth is that he just got tired of the glamor lifestyle, the tight jump suits and just wanted a break from it all.

I met up with Mr. Presley earlier and asked him few questions.

“So Mr. Presley, tell me how you decided to become Þórshamar’s new stadium announcer.”

“I’m sorry…I forgot to remember to forget. You see I’m all shook up from the flight last night.”

“Ah…a little jet lag going on? I hope you got a decent hotel room though.”

“Yes, I got a nice room at the Heartbreak hotel. Thank you very much.”

“Is it true that you have been writing incognito, songs for famous bands and singers in your spare time for the last 30 years or so?”

“No.”

“Oh, sorry. I must have been misinformed.”

“Can I go now? I’m beginning to forget you.”

“Please Mr. Presley! Don’t be cruel!”

“It’s now or never. I’ve got to find my baby.”

“Your baby?”

“Yes, my cat. I’ve gone and lost it.”

“You sure have Mr. Presley. You sure have.”

That concluded our interview as Mr. Presley fell asleep in his chair.

I can safely say that meeting the legendary Elvis Presley was not what I expected.
He seemed a little…off and smelly.
But I’m sure once he is behind the microphone announcing players and missing children at the Asgard stadium, everyone will know him for what he is.

The king lives!

John Jay Johnsson -

Local reporter for HTU in Fáskrúðsfjörður -
Iceland -

 

6

:::The Robots are coming!:::

No. They have not taken over the world.

Forward Sindri Jensson of Johann Eiriksson shows his bot skills with the ball - His teammates have nicknamed him 'Bot number 354'

They are simply coming to Þórshamar’s Asgard stadium today for a league game in the IV.46 division in Iceland.

The bot team Johann Eiriksson, a rather silly name for a team, consist of 42 players! Yes that’s right, 42 bot players who’s avarage age is 32 years old (in Hattrick years of course). They are currently in 7th position in the table, while  Þórshamar sit tight at the top.
So this should be a cake in the park for Þórshamar.

Like a wise man in Iceland (yes there are still few) said once about crushing their opponent:
We are going to take them to the bakery!” –
But of course in this case, they will be taken to some electronic store.

I interviewed LA-LordBastard, the manager of Þórshamar, earlier today in a press meeting about the upcoming game.

“Have you analysed your opponent for the match, and do you think they will score a goal against you?”

“No and No. No further questions.”

A short but very informative answer from the brilliant manager LA-LordBastard.
We thank him for his valuable time and congratulate him on his awesomeness.

I then turned to the boring bot manager of the not-so-brilliant bot team, Johann Eiriksson and asked him some questions.

“Mr. Klemensson. Have you deceided the strategy you’re going to implement on the field today against the strong and superior team Þórshamar?”

“00110100011100001101011100110001. 100011101000111000011, 10001111101001100110.”

That concludes our post-match briefing for the day.
I’m off to the pub. Tell my wife I love her very much, she knows.

John Jay Johnsson -
Local reporter for HTU in Fáskrúðsfjörður -
Iceland -

3

:::Ride your bike to work:::

The health and safety committee of Þórshamar have initiated the campaign,
Ride your bike to work“.

Midfielder Gísli Guðlaugsson of Þórshamar, showed a good example and rode his bike straight from the pub to the practice ground -

All employees, even players, coaches, cheerleaders and sanitary technicians are encouraged to put their effort towards healthier lifestyles and to prevent unnecessary exhaust into the atmosphere.

The campaign has been well received and the local townsfolk have also been inspired by this efficiency campaign, as many have parked their tractors and are now riding their bikes all around town listening to Queen on their Walkman portable cassette players.

But some discontented voiced could be heard from some prima donnas of Þórshamar, who gave this campaign the finger and are still using their Hummers and Ferraris to get across town for practices and games.

The campaign will last for 2 days, from 2nd to 4th of june.

164

:::Christoffer has been mummyfied:::

Yes, the rumours are true. The beloved player/coach of Þórshamar has gone mummy on us.

As you can see, there is not much of Christoffer to see -

Christoffer Obrestad was injured and possibly presumed dead, after a gruesome and cowardly tackle from Scouser’s Mattias Andersson on the 15th of may, in a brutal rival game between the two clubs.
The Þórshamar team of doctor’s have been baffled by the super slow recovery from his injuries.

Even hiring a personal nurse for Christoffer has not worked, though other staff members are pleased with this new addition to the staff.

A foreign specialist, brought in from the Vatican, informed that this is a classic case of a “mummy” syndrome as Christoffer, who suffered a broken pinky toe, insisted to be wrapped in bandage from head to toe.
The Vatican specialist said this was all just in his head. The trauma from the injury has led him to this mental state.

So last night, the board of Þórshamar deceided to mummyfie Christoffer, seal him in a class casket and have him for display for fans who visit the Asgard stadium.

The brain of Christoffer was not subtracted from his nose like they did in the old days.
It was left intact in case there were some miracle breakthrough in medical science which could cure him.

We hope all the best to Christoffer!

Christoffer on display in the Asgard Stadium entrance -

0

:::A glimpse of the New Match Engine:::

The first match engine - At first it was only available for users in black and white.

After some investigating and nosing around, we found these solid facts roaming around.

The new Match Engine 2011 !

Now in colour!!!

New features:

– My mother calls you if you are feeling down and wanted to know: “How did I loose this game?

– Everything is still random and not humanly possible, including 4 goals in 1 minute!

– Less nagging on forums!

– It has the Chuck Norris stamp of approval!

The second build of the Match Engine - The focus was more on the functional parts, not on looks.

The new match engine in 2011!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

18

:::The Hattrick travel mystery:::

HT-Tjecken and HT-Johan back in the early 80's working on the first Time Tunnel device - As you can see, it's very compact and manageable

This is the scenario:
All flights to and from Europe are canceled due to massive volcano eruption in Iceland. People are of course annoyed, angry, drunk and shouting bad things how it’s all Iceland’s fault.

Which it is of course. But that’s another story.

What baffles me is how all the players in Hattrick travel abroad for their international friendly games, when all international flights are canceled. Do they use some kind of magic carpets, or just click their heels and wish they were there?

I asked a professor at the HT-Headquarters in Greenland about this.

- “Tell me how HT players travel to their friendly games abroad, when the average Joe is sleeping at airports or collecting cobweb in his hotel room.”

- “Well, as we all know the most important thing in the world is for players to get their weekly training, and we sure don’t want to disapoint our managers when it comes to transportations to other countries. So to address this problem we use a time tunnel that was built back in the 80’s by two young go-getters.”

- “Time tunnel? Are you being serious?”

- “Yes.”

HT-Tjecken getting ready to try out the first Time Tunnel travel back in the 80's - Because of turning into liquid, travelers had to be naked to be able to travel in the HTTT

- “Really? A time tunnel?”

– “Are we going to continue like this or do you want me to explain this or not?!”


– ” Sorry, go on then.”

- “Ok, whenever a team needs to travel abroad, the players gather at the dressing room in their stadium, and right next to the showers is a door, and behind that door is a special custom made Hattrick Time Tunnel device. Every stadium in Hattrick has one.
Today we have the HTTT build version 2.8.1071.
Next to the door is a panel on wich you enter your destination and detailed information, like how many people are traveling and the amount of duty free stuff they will be bringing back.”

- “The team is then dissolved into a liquid form that we like to call “Team liquid”, then put inside a special made tin can and transported to the location, which is the opponents stadium dressing room. There the can is opened by the local janitor and the “team liquid” is poured into a special customized Soda-Stream application and the team is reassembled. Real simple.”

- “Simple? But…but if it is a time tunnel, shouldn’t the players travel in time and not from one location to another?”

– “No, these time tunnel of ours don’t work that way. It’s more of a device that makes somekind of wormhole that can be manipulated quite easy. It’s more like traveling “by” time instead of “in” time, and also we tought the term “Time Tunnel” was much more catchy than “Travel Tunnel”. First we went for “The Tardis Tunnel”, but some doctor bloke had the copyright to that name. “

- “How safe is it?”

- “It’s Swedish. It’s perfectly safe to crash in it.”

- “Well..er…thank you for the interview. I’m gonna go home and get drunk.”

So there we have it people.

Players in Hattrick don’t travel by trains, planes or automobiles or even boats.

They travel by time in liquid form!

949

:::Fanney ráðin til starfa:::

Hér er Fanney komin í skrifstofugallann og tilbúin til verka - Eins og sést er hún er mikill aðdáandi Star Trek myndanna og spilar Playstation 3 í sínum frítíma

Í dag var tilkynnt um ráðningu yfirmanns upplýsinga – og tölvutækniteymis Þórshamars, í stað Tyrfings Tinds Tryggvasonar, sem var látinn taka poka sinn fyrr í vikunni.
Fjölmargir sóttu um, en Fanney Fjóla Frímannsdóttir var álitin sú hæfasta af umsækjendum.

Fanney hefur starfað undanfarin 4 ár sem almannatengiliður hjá bakarameistaranum Ólafi Fjeldsted á Fáskrúðsfirði, þar sem hún hefur afgreitt ófáa snúðana ofan í bæjarbúa.

Ráðning Fanneyjar í þetta starf hefur vakið furðu margra, þar sem hún er ófaglærð sem kerfisfræðingur. Framkvæmdarstjóri Þórshamars blæs á alla gagnrýnisraddir og segir að Fanney eigi eftir að standa sig vel í starfi. Hún eigi sjálf fartölvu með netpung og kann örlítið á Word og Excel.

Hefur heyrst út í bæ að Fanney hafi eingöngu verið ráðin vegna þess að hún sé í tygjum við framkvæmdarstjóra Þórshamars. Sáust þau, samkvæmt áreiðanlegum heimildum, í fyrradag á rómantískri kvöldgöngu niður við strönd skjótandi höfrunga.

Framkvæmdarstjóri Þórhamars neitar öllum ásökunum um að ráðningin sé þess eðlis.

Við erum bara góðir vinir og samband okkar kemur vinnunni engan vegin við. Hvað með það þótt að tveir góðir vinir skelli sér í höfrungaskotveiðar á björtu sumarkvöldi? Það eru engin lög gegn því.

Þess má geta að Mannaráðningarnefnd hefur fengið kæru inn á borð frá Tyrfingi Tind Tryggvasyni varðandi ráðningu Fanneyjar.

Við óskum Fanneyju Fjólu Frímannsdóttur fFáskrúðsfirði farnaðar í nýju starfi.