With essenn fully focused on Camberwell FC, care-taker manager Ova Dunn took no time in stamping his authority over the Pig Hunters. The ‘Pig Legend‘ made it perfectly clear what he expected from the Club this season, indicating that changes may need to be made to fulfill ‘his‘ vision.

“The 3-3 draw against Teabag FC was great entertainment for the neutral supporter, with us coming back from a 2 goal deficit to pinch a point. But from a Pig perspective it was utter bullshit! We should be winning our home games, not counting our blessings that we grabbed a bloody point. If we want to finish in the top 4, we must improve. If we want to challenge for the title, then changes to personnel will have to be made!”

“I’m dedicated 100% to continue developing our strikers, so there will be no change in that area. Across the middle we are doing ok… it’s our defensive structure that needs to be looked at. And I’m not afraid of putting some players on notice either. Everflod, our so-called no.1 ‘keeper, needs to pull his finger out and find some form quick smart – coz if he doesn’t, he’ll be the first one shipped out! And as for the rest of the defenders… well, their playing futures as Pig Hunters are on the line this season – if they manage to see out the season, that is!”

When asked by a member of the gathered press what essenn would think of his ultimatum to the Clubs’ defenders, a stubborn Dunn responded;

“Quite frankly, essenn left ME in charge for this season. So if I feel the need to spend some money to improve the squad, then I’ll bloody well do it. I know he has worked hard to build up the cash funds, but if we want a respectable finish in IV.53 then we may just have to splash some cash. I’m not saying I will, but I am prepared to do so if needed. Time will tell… “

In other news:

- The Pigs recently sold Siaki Allsop for a massive 2 thousand dollars. It’s believed the funds of this transfer will go towards the End-of-Season kitty, with a proposed BooB-Cruise on the cards.

BooB-Cruise, anyone?

- The Piglets got well and truely beaten in the HTUM Youth League II, going down 1-3 against FC Rünenberg Juniors. An injury to Beazley didn’t help the Piglets cause, and they currently find themselves in 4th position.

- Round 2 of the Cup sees the Pigs away to bot-team flamingmass. Dunn has already expressed his intention of playing a different formation, just for the fuck of it!

The End-of Season Awards for the Pig Hunters were held last night at the same venue that they have always been held at – Kittens.  In his last official duty before handing control of the Pigs to Ova Dunn, essenn kept with tradition and gave his season review, before presenting the awards for the season just completed. And as always, the lucky members & fans that were invited to the event were provided with an open bar, fingering food, and free entertainment.

“Our first ever season in division III provided many highs and lows. We were always going to struggle, but I made many mistakes last season, so I take full responsibility for our relegation back to division IV. But the season wasn’t a huge disaster, not by any stretch of the imagination. The training debacle (where at one stage I had 9 trainees and only 6 training spots available) was sorted out by half-way through the season. The sale of the older better players certainly effected our campaign, but it also unearthed some gems that will carry the Pigs forward in the seasons to come. Financially we posted a AU$2.3 million profit, the biggest ever in the history of the Pigs. The Piglet Hunters are currently struggling following the talent drain that has occurred in recent seasons, but I’m happy to announce that they are on-track in their rebuilding phase. Yes, we only lasted one season in div III… but I urge all those fickle bastards that walked out on the Club to return. The upcoming season in IV.53 is going to be a beauty – there are some great clubs in this league!”

League (III.4)

“Up until round 8, we were constantly in the top 2. After that, we failed to pick up a single fucking point. Why? Quite simply, we were undermanned, understrength, and outwitted. Selling our better young strikers didn’t help. Shit form to our no.1 ‘keeper and our 2 best inner midfielders also hurt. But at the end of the day, we simply were not good enough. Easy as that. Our aim at the start was to avoid auto-relegation, and we did that. It’s unfortunate that we came up against a super ABS United in the qualifier… had it been a lesser team, I believe we could have survived. I enjoyed the time in III.4 and hopefully in a few seasons time we’ll be more than ready for division III football.”

The Cup

“A disappointing exit in Round 4 of the Oceania Cup, only because of my stubbornness to ensure that all players got full (or close enough to full) training. Round 4 is not good enough for the Pig Hunters, and hopefully Dunn can take the Club further next season. If it means sacrificing some weeks of training, then so be it.

GL3

“With qualification from the Group stage guaranteed, we decided to forego a number of GL3 matches and play more mid-week games at Satellite 15 to boost the bank balance a bit. The first round of knock-out games was unfair on the Pigs, being drawn to play away to Langer House… how the Pigs could finish 2nd in Group E and play against 1st in Group D, whilst the team that finished 3rd in Group E got to play a team that finished 2nd, is beyond explanation! Nonetheless, the Pigs got the pounding they deserved and exited GL3 in a disappointing, and disappointed, manner.”

 

Awards:

Pig of the Season: Glenn Harrison 

Young Harrison is starting to show why he was so highly regarded when the former Piglet was promoted to the senior squad. By far the best striker all season, Harrison is starting to repay the faith shown in him by the Pigs. Having been voted MVP in xx competitive matches, its no wonder the 21 year old is already regarded as a cult hero by the Troopers. The no.13 shirt for the new season now belongs to Harrison!

Young Pig of the Season: Rick Borneo

Borneo burst into the senior team with 4 goals in as many games. An injury, followed by crap form, halted his great start to the season. But the youngster didn’t give up, eventually forcing his way back into the starting line-up. His 13 goals for the season (including friendlies) has the hierarchy at the Club convinced that the former Piglet will be a future star.

Best Clubman: Arthur Scotney          

By his own admission, Scotney did not have a good season – poor form kept him out of the seniors more  often than he was in it. But his commitment to the cause could not be questioned… always making himself available for the mid-week friendlies, passing on advice to the younger players in the squad, and hanging around after training to assist coach Campbell in any way possible. A future coach? Maybe…

Top Scorer: Lefter Keskin (7 goals)  

One of the surprise packets of the season! Keskin responded so well to the change in training, that essenn had to include him as a permanent ‘trainee’. A late surge saw him end up as top scorer for the season with a total of just 7 goals (in competitive matches). As top scorer, Keskin will now wear the no.9 shirt!

A hastily arranged press conference was called by essenn today at the Camberwell Civic Centre. With no other Pig official in sight, rumours and whispers quickly spread amongst the gathered reporters. By the end of it though, no-one was quite sure how to react. With a prepared statement in hand, essenn began…

“Let me start by stating that although I am disappointed that the Pig Hunters got relegated from division III, I am still pleased with the Clubs’ efforts throughout the season. It was always going to be a difficult task to survive. Despite the strong start to the season, we were clearly not good enough for III.4 and got our pants pulled down in the run home. As much as I would have loved to stay in div III, the drop to IV.53 might be more beneficially for the Club. A review of the past season will be posted sometime next week. Until then, nothing more will be said or explained about this season.”

WTF? What happened? How? All will be explained next week…

“Now, as you all know, I have recently applied for a 2nd Club within Hattrick. And after weeks of waiting, the application has finally been approved. I’m pleased to announce that this new Club will be based in Oceania, more specifically in the mighty state of Victoria. It will be a Club located in the leafy inner-eastern suburbs of Melbourne, in close proximity to neighbouring suburbs that have taken the limelight in terms of sporting success over the past 100+ years.”

“Actually, it’s not even a ‘new’ Club… it’s more like a revival! The original club was formed in 1896, and played in the Victorian Football Association between 1926 and 1990. It eventually folded in 1994 and was considered dead and buried – until now, that is! The name of this Club won’t be mentioned here as this is the Pig Hunters blog, and until the HT-Gods provide some clarity regarding the ’2nd-team’ and their privileges/rights, this site will remain purely for the Pigs.”

essenn paused for a few moments, before continuing on…

“Which brings me to my intended purpose of this press conference. With so much going on in regards to the new Club, I feel it’s best that I spend more time focused on them for the upcoming season. After much thought,  I have decided to temporarily step down as manager of the Pig Hunters, and relinquish control over to Ova Dunn. There aren’t many Pigs greater than Dunn, he has the knowledge and capacity to run the Club in my absence… he is after-all, a Pig Legend!”

Ova Dunn – appointed ‘caretaker’ manager of the Pig Hunters for a season

“As a result of this announcement, Dunn will end his tenure as GL-Council President elect – effective after the GL3 Final this week. It must be noted that during his time in charge of the GL-C, nothing – and I mean nothing – has happened. No complaints, no whinges, no protests, no scandals, no conspiracies. Considering the circumstances leading up to his appointment, I would say that Dunn has done an outstanding job doing nothing… and I’m sure most of you would agree!”

“I wish Ova all the best of luck with the Pig Hunters next season, I know he will do his utmost to ensure success for the seasons to come. The foundations have been set for the Pigs, and they are in more-than-capable hands. I must re-iterate, however, that this arrangement is for one season and one season only… once the new Club is up and running to my satisfaction, I will return to take the reigns of the mighty Pigs!”

Following on from the introduction of the Baggy Pink, fellow manager awrace suggested it would be an almighty idea to list all of the players who had ever represented the Pig Hunters… by order of appearance. After some long research, essenn can now reveal the official Baggy Pink “Roll of Honour”!

Season 1:

Season 2:

Season 3:

Season 4:

Season 5:

Season 6:

Season 7:

Season 8:

Season 9:

Season 10:

Season 11 (current):

* – Currently with the Club

** – Coach/ex-coaches

During today’s daily discussion about all things Hattrick with manager awrace from Whites Wongs, an idea popped into essenn’s head (no smart-ass comments required, thankyouverymuch!)

It wasn’t long before the topic of discussion turned to ‘Most Matches Played’ (for those that don’t know, the Pig Hunters and Whites Wongs started life within weeks of each other, and ever since then have enjoyed a healthy rivalry against each other). With awrace boasting ‘this player has played more games’ and ‘this player has also played more games than anyone in your team’ and ‘I’ve got more longer serving players than you do’, essenn noticed that the Pigs had also used more players.

“We’ve had over 100 players representing the Pigs over the seasons”, thought essenn, whilst scoffing down home-made dim sims drowned in soy sauce from Swan Street. “Maybe it’s time we recognised and acknowledged all the players that have played for us over the years, and maybe even start a new tradition”.

At that moment, the Baggy Pink was born!

the Baggy Pink

All 106 players that have ever played for the Club (past and present) will be given a Baggy Pink, as a mark of respect and ‘thanks’ for pulling on the Pig Hunters shirt. Players like Dunn, Sewell, Waite, Sutheran, Carlier, Litwin, Kerr, Linggi, Wyatt, van Altena, Emin, Tzanetakos, Numbers Atkins… all will receive one, regardless if they played just 1 or 100 games for the Pigs!

And to kick it all off, the latest Piglet to be promoted into the senior team, and who will be making his debut for the Pigs in tomorrows GL3 clash – Hector Moody – was awarded the 107th Baggy Pink prior to the team leaving for India.

“It’s an honour to present Hector with this, and hopefully it’s a new tradition that will continue on for many more seasons to come. Now if you don’t mind, we have a GL3 match against Langer House to get to.”

“And before anyone asks, yes we had to make the cap a little bit bigger for Hector, but only because we had to cover that ridiculous tuft of his hair sticking out… it somehow reminded us all of Mary. ”

Hector Moody – with the oversized Baggy Pink

After a long period of inactivity, today manager essenn decided that instead of releasing an official ‘announcement’,  he would take a different approach and publicly answer some of the e-mails he has received over the past few weeks. Not all e-mails could be answered (nor could all e-mails be published), so listed below are the ones essenn has chosen to share with the public…

essenn

Q: Where have you been? Have you abandoned the mighty Pigs? Why hasn’t the blog been updated? (Steve from Springvale)

A: No Steve, I haven’t abandoned the Pigs. My passion for the Pig Hunters is as strong as ever. I’ve been very busy of late, that’s all. With so many things going on behind the scenes, I just need some extra time to deal with them. Unfortunately, the blog has suffered due to these circumstances… I will however try to make more time available in keeping our fans & supporters updated in the future.

Q: Hi essenn. I think you are doing a great job But I’m quite concerned about our recent league form What has gone wrong? (Danielle from Doveton)

A: Hi Danielle, thanks for the kind words Our recent results have been quite poor, I agree! The simple fact remains that we promoted into division III when we clearly were not ready to. Our change in training strategy last season forced us to throw younger, inexperienced, and less skilled players into the starting line-up. We’ve also had to adjust our style of play to accordingly. At the start of the season we were aiming for survival, and that is still our aim now. Luckily for us we managed to get some results go our way early on this campaign which has certainly helped!

Q: Ever since you sold Sevin, we haven’t won a game. Why the F%#K did you sell him? What a major f%#k up! You’re a total disgrace you f%#wit!! (Colin from Coolaroo)

A: He had to be sold because he was taking up a training spot, and I felt that one of our younger boys could benefit greatly from getting 100% training. Sevin was the oldest trainee, he had to go, easy as that. We’ve got another Piglet coming through the ranks that will be promoted next week, so expect a few more players to be sold over the next few weeks. Oh, and he also refused to ‘do’ your sister… but why doesn’t that surprise me!! Piss off Colin, you f%#stick!

Q: Any truth in the rumour that you are about to launch a 2nd team? If so, how will this effect the Pig Hunters? (Frank from Fawkner)

A: Yes, it is true. Although nothing is official yet, I have decided to start a 2nd team right here in Oceania. All the relevant paperwork has been submitted and I’m just waiting for the application to be approved. I will not reveal the name/identity/colours/logo of this ‘new’ club on the Pig Hunters blog, as it is a totally seperate entity and has nothing to do whatsoever with the Pigs. I hope this somehow answers your question about what the effect will be.

Q: Congrats on qualifying for the GL3 finals! Do you think we can win it? What are your expectations? (Katie from Keilor)

A: Thanks Katie, I hope we can win it If you had asked me a season ago before we switched training, I would have said ‘yes, we can win it’. But with GL3 running over a period of 2 seasons, and given our change of focus, I would say it will be extremely difficult for us now. We have a very tough task just to survive in III.4 and that is our no.1 priority, so don’t expect much from the Pigs in GL3

Q: Is there any chance that we can bring back some of the ‘pink’, and have the girls from Kittens provide the half-time entertainment? Just like the good old days? I really miss them… (Robert from Rosemeadow)

A: Yes there is a chance, Robert. We have settled our differences with the sluts entertainers from Kittens, and I am currently in negotiations with them to make a long awaited return to Satellite 15… so stay tuned!

The last original Pig still at the Club has today announced his retirement, effective immediately. After 10 seasons and a club record 105 goals, Billy Sewell felt the time was right to hang up the boots, as he explained…

Billy Sewell – calling it quits after 10 seasons

“When manager essenn told me late last season that the Club was bringing in young strikers to train up, I knew my time at the Pig Hunters was coming to end. He told me that if I wanted to continue my career elsewhere he would not stand in my way and give me a free transfer, but I’m a proud Pig and have been with the Club since it first began, and I just couldn’t see myself playing for another club. I asked him if I could just hang around the Club and help the youngsters in whatever way I could, up until a spot was available in the Hall of Fame. essenn thought that was a great idea… and so here we are today!”

Not only is Sewell the all-time leading scorer for the Pig Hunters, he is also the most capped player – having played in 158 matches including 96 ‘official’ League & Cup games. His 14 hattricks are also a Club record, as is his tally of 22 goals in a season. essenn took some time out of his busy schedule to pay homage to the great man…

“Make no mistake, Billy is a true Legend of the Club. His stats speak for themselves – most goals, most appearances, most hattricks – but more importantly, most loyal. He could have walked away at the start of the season, but he chose to stick around and remain a one-team player. And I’m glad he did, because from now onwards he will never be forgotten. As the last original Pig player, I’m honoured to induct Billy Sewell into the Pig Hunters’ Hall of Fame!”

The match against Timbercutters FC also marks the 10 season anniversary of the first ever Pig Hunters ‘home’ game. Played at ‘Pig Park’, the Pigs got up 4-1 against Montgomery F.C. (Sewell played in this match, however he didn’t get on the scoresheet). To commemorate this milestone, the Pigs will be playing in an alternative kit… and bringing back the ‘pink’!

“It’s been a long time since we last saw the pink strip, so I figured what the hell, lets re-introduce it today on this special occasion. If it proves successful and the fans want to see more pink, then maybe next season we will use it as our Cup kit”.

The Pink is back!
(Billy Sewell, in his last official photo shoot, is seated second from the left)

*  There is now only 1 original Pig still running around – Numbers Atkins, who plays for AC/DC F.C. in Brasil

A very happy essenn this week welcomed young Fitzroy O’Grady into the Pig Hunters’ family. Having paid $300,000 for the youngster (which has gone against the recent trend and philosophy of only training ‘home-grown’ players) the manager was pleased he had captured the players’ signature with minimal fuss.

Fitzroy O’Grady – will always fight for victory, and will always see it through…

“The Pig Hunters have always enjoyed a healthy relationship with Whites Wongs“, said essenn at a press conference today. “Both our clubs were established at around the same time, and ever since we have kept a close eye on each others progress. We’ve tried to help out awrace and the Wongs wherever we could, and conversely they’ve respectively helped us out whenever needed as well.”

“Early last season, the Piglets produced some great talented players that were not part of the Clubs’ training philosophy, and as such had to be moved on. Whites Wongs were interested in these players… as a result, Lewis Hazelhurst & Wiam Jundi were subsequently transferred to our ‘friendly rivals’. This didn’t sit well with some of The Troopers – they saw it as the ultimate insult – and demanded we poached one of their young stars in return.”

“So today, I’m pleased to announce that Fitzroy O’Grady has now crossed the divide and joined the Pig Hunters. He’ll be a great asset to the Club, mark my words! He’s a talented striker that was unwanted by his old club… we’ll make sure that the Wongs will regret the decision to let him go. And with a name like Fitzroy, we’re sure he will become a Cult figure at the Pig Hunters in the future”.

“I can almost hear the crowd singing his name now… ‘Fitzroy, Fitzrooooooy’    ”

Another week, and another win for the Pigs in their debut season in division III. The surprising 4-1 win over Victorian rivals Collingwood F.C now sees the Pig Hunters with 4 wins out of 4, and the haul of 12 points so far has way exceeded the Clubs’ expectations. Despite the brilliant start to the season, manager essenn felt it best to neglect the team’s achievements and instead announce the Clubs’ latest appointment…

“I have decided to appoint Ova Dunn as Secretary of the Club – effective immediately. Having been appointed as President of the GL Council, I felt that Ova should take a more active role within the Pig Hunters. I’ve kept him away from the spotlight for long enough… It’s now time for Ova to make his mark – not only for the Pigs, but also for the greater good of the GL.”

With that, essenn invited Ova onto the stage to a warm round of applause. Looking a little nervous, and after taking a few deep breaths, Dunn waited for the crowd to fall silent before finally addressing the gathering.

“I was elected into the role of GL Council President not knowing what was involved or expected. And even today, I still don’t know what it’s all about. I’ve heard a few rumours around the traps – club buyouts, criminal activity, etc – but to this day, I haven’t received any official complaint from anyone! Not 1 manager or team has sent me any correspondence claiming foul play or anything illegal! ”

“Whether that means there is nothing to worry about, I’m not sure. I am still new in this position, but as the President of the GL Council, I strongly urge anyone who has any grievances about the Golden League – whether it be great or small – to contact me directly! If I do not know about it, then I cannot act accordingly!”

“The GL Council is here for everyone, and as President I promise to hear all thoughts/complaints/praises personally. This week, the Pig Hunters will host Los Mejores Fútbol Club in the GL, and I look forward to talking to manager vgrille about his recent comments. That being said, anyone else involved directly or indirectly with the Golden League is more than welcome to voice their opinion… that’s why I got elected !”

Following today’s Round 4 exit in the Oceania Cup, a large number of the Clubs’ more fanatical followers (known as The Troopers) fronted up at Satellite 15 and staged a protest against the Pigs’ poor showing. After several hours of abuse & chanting, manager essenn finally appeared to help ease their anger and frustration. And he wasn’t happy…

“What the FUCK is going here?”

The crowd quickly falls silent.

“Seriously… why are you all here?”

A Trooper then yells out, “Because we lost today”

“So you all came here, yelling and screaming, just because we lost in the Cup today? Are you psycho’s really serious?”

Another Trooper shouts, “We expected more from our Club”

“How much fucking more do you expect? We had already warned you that training our young forwards was our first and foremost priority. We told you that survival in div III.4 was crucial. We told you not to ‘expect’ a Cup run. Yes it does suck balls that we got knocked out of the Cup so early on… but one loss does not mean the end of the world! We’ve laid the foundations for success – what more do you want from us?”

Stunned silence from the Troopers, until someone says “We want more…”

“More what, dipshit? More focus? More planning? More success? I’m sorry for the Cup demise, but we’re focusing on bigger things here! My brothers, we must stick together and accept the lows that will eventually come with the highs. We are a Clan, and as such, we must swear to defend and fight to the end… we are the Pig Hunters – we are Clansmen!!”