About Author: essenn

Posts by essenn

6

Campbell pleads for a bit more time

 

Pig Hunters coach Tom Campbell has made a passionate plea to essenn, asking the manager to let him continue on in the top job until the end-of-season break. With Campbell’s last official game as coach coming up this weekend against Orca United, the gaffer has requested to stay on just a little bit longer…

“I have been in charge of the Pig Hunters for six seasons now. During this time, I’ve been a coach of the Oceania NT, had some decent Oceania Cup runs, survived the great financial crisis last season, took the Pigs to div III, and introduced a number of home-grown talents into the senior squad. I’ve enjoyed my time here and have no regrets at all.”

“For the past three season, we’ve participated in GL5. Our Cup run this season meant we couldn’t play any qualifiers, but we somehow managed to sneak into the GL Masters. Now that we have reached the semi-final stage, I would love the opportunity to see the quest for GL5 glory out to the very end. I know my last game in charge is this weekend, but I ask essenn to please let me finish the job and lead the Pigs in our battle against Rochdale United. Don’t let me go just yet, I still have unfinished business before I’m done…”

Campbell - hoping to still be the coach for the GL Masters!

Campbell – hoping to still be the coach for the GL Masters!

 

Although nothing has been released by the Club, it’s understood that essenn will grant Campbell his wish and let him continue on as coach until the GL campaign is officially over. Only time will tell…

 

5

Back in black for Jack

 

The long awaited return of essenn to the blog finally happened today, however it wasn’t at all as expected. There was no press conference, no questions from journalists, no angry mob baying for blood – instead, it was just a simple press release that was sent via email, fax, pigeons, and morse code to anyone that cared…

“I do not offer any excuses for my lack of communication, other than my lack of excuses. The time will come soon when this blog will be updated on a regular basis. But that time is not now… so you’ll have to wait a bit longer!”

“As most of you will know, I’m a bit of a music fan. It’s saddened my heart to hear of the recent passing of Jack Bruce, the bassist/vocalist of the worlds first supergroup, Cream. Along with Eric Clapton and Ginger Baker, Bruce was part of a talented trio (at that time, the best of the best!) that lasted only two years… but what an impact they made!”

“As a mark of respect to the late great Jack Bruce, both the Pig Hunters and the Camberwell Cobras will be playing in special black kits this week.

RIP Jack – thanks for the music, and long may it live!”

 

 

 

 

 

4

Dunn – ‘Pigs ready to rumble!’

 

With the new season about to kick-off – and with manager essenn nowhere to be seen – club secretary Ova Dunn took it upon himself to hold the first press conference of the current campaign…

Ova Dunn - taking control whilst essenn is away..??

Ova Dunn – taking control whilst essenn is away? Either very brave or very stupid…

“I apologize for essenn not being here – it appears that he has other things to do rather than attend his beloved Pig Hunters season launch! With that said, let me assure all fans and supporters that the Club is aiming to win IV.53 this season. We let everyone down by finishing in 4th position last season, and we are hell-bent on at least challenging for the title this time around.”

“Despite rumours over the past months that coach Tom Campbell would not be around to see the new campaign, as it stands he will lead the Pigs into a record 6th season! I am glad that essenn has decided to stick by the legendary coach – and I’m personally confident that Campbell can repay the faith and deliver the goods.”

“With the recent Oceania Cup restructure, I’ve decided to lower the expectations for this competition – our aim now is to reach round 4. I’d also like to quash rumours of player sales… no senior Pig player will be sold this campaign! And I will also investigate why so many fans are leaving the Club… something dodgy is going on and I intend to find out exactly what or who the reason is behind it.”

“We’ve got a long tough season ahead of us, and hopefully it will be a successful one… we are ready to rumble!”

 

Dunn also revealed that the Pigs will be playing all home games in a predominantly black kit this season – a change from the traditional green that the Club has used throughout most of their history. When asked what the reason was behind the decision, Dunn pointed out that the Pigs had used a black kit before in the past and that it seemed more than reasonable to use it again… yes, the Pigs are Back in Black!

 

 

 

1

End-of-Season Awards

In a low key event held last night, selected members and guests were on hand for the Pig Hunters’ annual end-of-season awards. Manager essenn kept the formalities short and sweet…

“To begin with, I won’t be reviewing the season tonight… I already did that a few weeks ago!”

“Instead, I would like to start by inducting 2 new players to the ‘100 Club’. Only 5 players in the past have represented the Pigs in over 100 official matches – Scotney, Chudasama, Cacavelos, Adelørn, and Ova Dunn. These great Pig legends are now joined by Jovan Janić and Reginald Mercurio, who both made their 100 appearance for the Pigs during the past season. Congratulations to both of these fine stalwarts of the Club.”

“With the recent announcement by HT of off-season friendlies, it is with great pleasure that we have arranged a match this Sunday against our good friends at Seaford FC. Almost all Pig fans will remember that come-from-behind win in last seasons’ Cup fixture against the Sharks, a win that gave me (and the Pigs) bragging rights over fellow manager Dough_Boy. The up-coming game is only a friendly and will be played at a neutral stadium… so regardless of the result, we will still be laughing afterwards :D

“And with that all said and done, I now present you with this seasons Award winners…”

Pig of the Season:  Glenn Harrison Harrison

11 goals for the season and voted 9 times as MVP, Harrison takes out another PoS gong… all this despite his form being less than acceptable for most of the season. He gets to wear the famous no.13 shirt for the next campaign.

 

 

Young Pig of the Season:  Garry Bell Bell

The former Piglet takes the award over another former Piglet in Ross Oram. With not much separating the two players, the final decision was made due to the fact the Bell scored more goals throughout the season.

 

 

Top Scorer:  Rob Arkell Arkell

The most expensive signing in Pig Hunters’ history knocked in 23 goals in his first season with the Club, including 8 goals in the Cup. Unlucky not to win the PoS, the 22 year old is well on the way to Pig ‘legend’ status.

 

 

3

Class dismissed!

Manager essenn has today officially declared the Pig Hunters season over and out following last weeks derby loss against Quinn Kings – even though in reality it was finished after round 4! Despite making it to Round 8 in the Cup for the second season running, the manager has labelled this campaign as a big fat fail…

“Evesham United fully deserve the title, they have been unbeatable this season. Orca United and Quinn Kings have also had great seasons, and I expect them to battle it out for the league next time around. As for the Pigs, well I thought we would be in it with a shot this season but we failed big time! Changing our training focus clearly hit us hard, much harder than what I expected. I’ve said it in the past that I hate finishing 4th, but it looks like that is where we will end up. And that is simply not good enough – we must improve!”

Since the record-breaking signing of Rob Arkell last season the Pigs have seen 7 players leave the Club, including long-serving players such as Adelørn, Lagin, Waasdorp, Cacavelos, and Balogh. And with the ongoing dedication of training up former Piglets Garry Bell and Ross Oram, reinforcements have been bought in to help sew up the defensive lines in Turanskiy, Beerepoot, and Hayden.

“We will continue to persist with Bell and Oram, another season under their belts will do them wonders. I’d also like to welcome the new players to the Club, they are all much needed and overdue signings. Our defense was getting old- hopefully these new blokes will add a little extra to the team. And of course, I want to thank all the players who have been sold over this period of transition – they have all been loyal and dedicated servants to the Pigs!”

Just as essenn was about to leave, a smartass reporter decided to ask what was going on with the coaching situation, rumours that more players were on the way out, and what was going on with the new ‘entertainers’. Ova Dunn held his head in his hands, knowing full well that essenn was about to explode yet again and let rip into the young newshound…

“Campbell is currently the coach and will remain so until further notice. The only reason why there are rumours of players leaving are because of you, you loud-mouthed, twitter reading, bookface stalking piece of shit. Hows about you do your job properly and actually doing some research for once! And why are you so fascinated with our new entertainers for next season? Struggling to find someone to King Arthur? Or does Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters need more motivation? No more happy endings at the local parlour maybe? Piss off mate, you’re a disgrace to your profession. And on that note, class for this term is now dismissed…!”

 

 

3

Pigs in Black – NW.GF.FO!

 

Manager essenn made a surprise return to Satellite 15 today, holding a quick press conference in front of a handful of reporters…

“I’m not here to speculate on the future of coach Campbell, that decision will be made later on this season. Nor am I going to talk about our recent signings, that news can also wait. Our failed league campaign, our current finances, our future going forward, the candidates for next seasons match-day ‘entertainment’… none of this will be discussed here today – sorry to disappoint you all.”

The manager did eventually reveal the true reason for the long-awaited return. Flanked by pictures of a new, predominantly black Pig Hunters playing strip, essenn explained why the Pigs will be wearing the kit for the remainder of June…

pigs“The Pig Hunters will be playing in this black strip as a mark of respect to two Australian music legends who have passed away this month. Firstly Jim Keays, the frontman of iconic band The Masters Apprentices. I thought about posting what is probably his best song, but decided to publish my favorite Masters song instead (as it was the first one that I ever heard by them). And of course the legendary Doc Neeson, leader of The Angels. With so many great songs to choose from, I’ve gone for a great live version of a true Aussie anthem (Docs shirt says it all, as do the crowd!)

RIP Jim and Doc – thanks for the music & the memories!”

 

 

 

5

Insane? maybe…

The mental stability of manager essenn has been the biggest talking point over the past few weeks down at Satellite 15.

Having narrowly missed out on claiming the IV.53 title by a single goal last season, it’s believed that essenn totally lost the plot and went into a meltdown of sorts. In an extraordinary off-season, the manager sold no less than 5 players and bought in just 2 new faces. But it was the signing of Rob Arkell that caused all the concerns about essenn’s well-being.

“There’s nothing wrong with me… honestly! Sure, I was pretty pissed off that we missed out by a single fucking goal – but I’m over that now. Sure, I did spend about AU$13 million dollars for a 21 y.o. striker – so what, because I paid well over his transfer value does that make me insane?”

Rob Arkell - once orgasmic with Orgasmatron, now prowling with the Pig Hunters!

Rob Arkell – once orgasmic with Orgasmatron, now a prowling wingman for the Pig Hunters!

 

As laughter erupted amongst the gathered press, some smartass within the room thought it would be wise to question essenn about his sanity and decision making of late…

“What was that mate? I’m pretty sure I saw you down at the Esplanade today sucking farts out of dead seagulls, so you’re the last person to question me about my mental condition! As it stands, the Pigs have 2 great young wingers from the YA screaming for some training. We also have a few former Piglets that have been trained up forward for the past few seasons that also need some wing experience, but Arkell shits all over them and takes priority – he’ll rip IV.53 a new one as well as getting trained out wide every week! So who’s the crazy one now fella? Do I really look that fuckin stupid…”

It was then that Ova Dunn stepped in and escorted essenn off the stage. He apologized for the language used by the manager, and also for his behavior. But before he knew it, essenn was front and centre once again…

“Call me insane, I don’t give a shit – but Arkell will help us, and in return we’ll help Arkell and Oceania – easy as that! We’re still in the hunt for the title this season, mark my words. We’re not Twisted yet, sister… we are still the Leader of the Pack!”

 

 

6

All or nothing… or something

 

After yet another season with absolutely nothing from the Pig Hunters’ blog, manager essenn has finally decided to post something. And going into the last round of the season, the mood around Satellite 15 was rather tense…

“Ladies and gents, the situation is quite simple but complicated at the same time. We need to win by 10 goals – easy as that! That’s the goal difference between us and Evesham United. That would put us on top on goals scored, and give us the title.”

“But it’s not as simple as that… for every goal that Evesham win by, we need to match it. So if they win 2-0, we need to win 12-0. If it’s 5-1, we need a 14-0 scoreline.  3-0, 13-0. And that’s assuming we don’t cop any goals. And that’s also assuming that Evesham win of course – they could draw or even lose against Orca United who have nothing to play for except for pride… anything could bloody happen! It’s a prick of a situation to be in, and it’s doing my fucking head in trying to figure out all the scenarios and possibilities… but having said all that, we are up for the challenge and look forward to this weekend.”

When asked by a snot-nosed reporter whether he was feeling the pressure leading up to the final round and possibly spending more seasons in the difficult IV.53 division, essenn cracked it and offered nothing, something, and jibberish at the same time…

“Did you expect us to make Round 8 of the Oceania Cup? No, you fucking didn’t. What has this to do with your question? I have no idea! Who are you anyway? Doesn’t matter really, coz we have a player ready to sacrifice to the HT Gods – it’s worked in the past, it’ll work again…I’m sure it will. Why did we sell Reboa? I don’t remember you asking me that question. How did you know about that? Let me tell you something sport – the carpets don’t always match the curtains, remember that! I mean c’mon – have you ever seen something this fiery down under? And how is this a Hair of the Dog? I’ll gladly let the Pigs lose to see a hair on her puss…”

 

 

* The snot-nosed reporter was right… Reboa was sold!

 

4

It’s a Poison!

For the entire season, there was nothing.
No updates, no news, no rumours, no taunting, no controversy, no results, no excuses… no nothing.

Until today.

Manager essenn finally made a return to Satellite 15, and the gathered press and supporters who were expecting something exciting or controversial to happen were all left rather disappointed.

“Although it may seem that I have neglected the Club, I actually haven’t – the Pigs are going along very nicely thankyouverymuch. It’s the communication between the Club and our fans that has deteriorated this past season, and that is something that I want to rectify. It’s all my fault, and I promise to keep all our fans and supporters updated on a much more regular basis going forward.”

“Our End-of-Season Awards night are coming up this weekend, and a review of the season and the Award winners will follow next week. I can’t reveal where the Awards ceremony will be held, but rest assured that we’ll be returning to more traditional surroundings. For now though, I would like to announce the resurrection of the ‘Baggy Pink’ and hereby welcome the following players to the famous ‘Roll of Honour’… Pigs one-and-all!”

Season 12:

108 Artie Young
109 Danilo Criniti
110 Fili Matthews
111 Efrain Beazley
112 Christophe Fortin*
113 Donovan Clark*

 

Season 13:

114 Mitar Nenadić
115 Don Hindmarsh
116 Alessandro Cadle
117 Stan Lautraite
118 Giorgio Bicchielli*

 * – Currently with the Club

With that, essenn turned around and started walking away. Someone then shouted out ‘Hey! WTF? You were gone for so long? What made you come back to the blog?’

“What made me come back? Are you for real? Blogging is a way of life! Sure, I’ve been avoiding it of late… but I can’t stay away. I have tried but it’s like a Poison…”

 

 

1

Season 40 Awards

 

In what can only be described as a first for the Club, the Pig Hunters broke with tradition and chose not to hold their End of Season Awards at the usual venue – Kittens. Nor were they held at Goldfingers, the Men’s Gallery, or Peppermint Hippo’s. No strippers, no boobies, no fluffers. Instead, manager essenn took a rather low-key approach and had a good old fashioned BBQ in the privacy of his backyard.

“I wanted to keep our End of Season Awards away from these sort of venues for once. In the past there have been too many prying eyes reporting on everything we got up to. We’ve got some talented kids that are on the verge of exploding this coming season… and the last thing they needed was bad publicity, or thinking they had made it because they got mentioned (for the wrong reasons) in the papers. So I decided to host it myself – with no reporters or photographers allowed!”  - essenn

With no independant eye-witnesses available to verify or deny exactly what happened last weekend, the blog can only publish the information that was officially released by the Club today – the Award winners (listed below). But some inside information has emerged of late, courtesy of anonymous source. These included:

- that essenn welcomed last seasons late signings Fortin and Clark to the Club, hoping that they would drive the Pigs forward;

- anything less than round 7 of the Cup would be considered a failure;

- winning the GL4 wass high on the priority list;

- no strippers, no boobies, no fluffers… seriously, did you really believe that??

 

Awards:

 

Pig of the Season:  Glenn Harrison

Back-to-back awards for Harrison… and who could argue it? Top goal scorer for the Club, six MVP’s for the season – and the best is still yet to come! Harrison, yet again, gets to wear the no.13 shirt for another season :)

 


Young Pig of the Season:  Fitzroy O’Grady

Competing against the home-grown talents, young Fitzroy has shown guts and determination in upstaging many of the former Piglet proteges throughout the season. The former Whites Wongs player will now be known as ‘Little Piggie‘ for the new season.

 

 

Top Scorer:  Glenn Harrison

Harrison gets the official Award for Top Scorer with 9 goals in competitive matches. But with Harrison claiming the Pig of the Season gong,  Sigismondo Reboa (pictured), the runner-up with 8 goals, gets to wear the no.9 for next season.