About Author: essenn

Posts by essenn

1

End-of-Season Awards

In a low key event held last night, selected members and guests were on hand for the Pig Hunters’ annual end-of-season awards. Manager essenn kept the formalities short and sweet…

“To begin with, I won’t be reviewing the season tonight… I already did that a few weeks ago!”

“Instead, I would like to start by inducting 2 new players to the ’100 Club’. Only 5 players in the past have represented the Pigs in over 100 official matches – Scotney, Chudasama, Cacavelos, Adelørn, and Ova Dunn. These great Pig legends are now joined by Jovan Janić and Reginald Mercurio, who both made their 100 appearance for the Pigs during the past season. Congratulations to both of these fine stalwarts of the Club.”

“With the recent announcement by HT of off-season friendlies, it is with great pleasure that we have arranged a match this Sunday against our good friends at Seaford FC. Almost all Pig fans will remember that come-from-behind win in last seasons’ Cup fixture against the Sharks, a win that gave me (and the Pigs) bragging rights over fellow manager Dough_Boy. The up-coming game is only a friendly and will be played at a neutral stadium… so regardless of the result, we will still be laughing afterwards :D

“And with that all said and done, I now present you with this seasons Award winners…”

Pig of the Season:  Glenn Harrison Harrison

11 goals for the season and voted 9 times as MVP, Harrison takes out another PoS gong… all this despite his form being less than acceptable for most of the season. He gets to wear the famous no.13 shirt for the next campaign.

 

 

Young Pig of the Season:  Garry Bell Bell

The former Piglet takes the award over another former Piglet in Ross Oram. With not much separating the two players, the final decision was made due to the fact the Bell scored more goals throughout the season.

 

 

Top Scorer:  Rob Arkell Arkell

The most expensive signing in Pig Hunters’ history knocked in 23 goals in his first season with the Club, including 8 goals in the Cup. Unlucky not to win the PoS, the 22 year old is well on the way to Pig ‘legend’ status.

 

 

3

Class dismissed!

Manager essenn has today officially declared the Pig Hunters season over and out following last weeks derby loss against Quinn Kings – even though in reality it was finished after round 4! Despite making it to Round 8 in the Cup for the second season running, the manager has labelled this campaign as a big fat fail…

“Evesham United fully deserve the title, they have been unbeatable this season. Orca United and Quinn Kings have also had great seasons, and I expect them to battle it out for the league next time around. As for the Pigs, well I thought we would be in it with a shot this season but we failed big time! Changing our training focus clearly hit us hard, much harder than what I expected. I’ve said it in the past that I hate finishing 4th, but it looks like that is where we will end up. And that is simply not good enough – we must improve!”

Since the record-breaking signing of Rob Arkell last season the Pigs have seen 7 players leave the Club, including long-serving players such as Adelørn, Lagin, Waasdorp, Cacavelos, and Balogh. And with the ongoing dedication of training up former Piglets Garry Bell and Ross Oram, reinforcements have been bought in to help sew up the defensive lines in Turanskiy, Beerepoot, and Hayden.

“We will continue to persist with Bell and Oram, another season under their belts will do them wonders. I’d also like to welcome the new players to the Club, they are all much needed and overdue signings. Our defense was getting old- hopefully these new blokes will add a little extra to the team. And of course, I want to thank all the players who have been sold over this period of transition – they have all been loyal and dedicated servants to the Pigs!”

Just as essenn was about to leave, a smartass reporter decided to ask what was going on with the coaching situation, rumours that more players were on the way out, and what was going on with the new ‘entertainers’. Ova Dunn held his head in his hands, knowing full well that essenn was about to explode yet again and let rip into the young newshound…

“Campbell is currently the coach and will remain so until further notice. The only reason why there are rumours of players leaving are because of you, you loud-mouthed, twitter reading, bookface stalking piece of shit. Hows about you do your job properly and actually doing some research for once! And why are you so fascinated with our new entertainers for next season? Struggling to find someone to King Arthur? Or does Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters need more motivation? No more happy endings at the local parlour maybe? Piss off mate, you’re a disgrace to your profession. And on that note, class for this term is now dismissed…!”

 

 

3

Pigs in Black – NW.GF.FO!

 

Manager essenn made a surprise return to Satellite 15 today, holding a quick press conference in front of a handful of reporters…

“I’m not here to speculate on the future of coach Campbell, that decision will be made later on this season. Nor am I going to talk about our recent signings, that news can also wait. Our failed league campaign, our current finances, our future going forward, the candidates for next seasons match-day ‘entertainment’… none of this will be discussed here today – sorry to disappoint you all.”

The manager did eventually reveal the true reason for the long-awaited return. Flanked by pictures of a new, predominantly black Pig Hunters playing strip, essenn explained why the Pigs will be wearing the kit for the remainder of June…

pigs“The Pig Hunters will be playing in this black strip as a mark of respect to two Australian music legends who have passed away this month. Firstly Jim Keays, the frontman of iconic band The Masters Apprentices. I thought about posting what is probably his best song, but decided to publish my favorite Masters song instead (as it was the first one that I ever heard by them). And of course the legendary Doc Neeson, leader of The Angels. With so many great songs to choose from, I’ve gone for a great live version of a true Aussie anthem (Docs shirt says it all, as do the crowd!)

RIP Jim and Doc – thanks for the music & the memories!”

 

 

 

5

Insane? maybe…

The mental stability of manager essenn has been the biggest talking point over the past few weeks down at Satellite 15.

Having narrowly missed out on claiming the IV.53 title by a single goal last season, it’s believed that essenn totally lost the plot and went into a meltdown of sorts. In an extraordinary off-season, the manager sold no less than 5 players and bought in just 2 new faces. But it was the signing of Rob Arkell that caused all the concerns about essenn’s well-being.

“There’s nothing wrong with me… honestly! Sure, I was pretty pissed off that we missed out by a single fucking goal – but I’m over that now. Sure, I did spend about AU$13 million dollars for a 21 y.o. striker – so what, because I paid well over his transfer value does that make me insane?”

Rob Arkell - once orgasmic with Orgasmatron, now prowling with the Pig Hunters!

Rob Arkell – once orgasmic with Orgasmatron, now a prowling wingman for the Pig Hunters!

 

As laughter erupted amongst the gathered press, some smartass within the room thought it would be wise to question essenn about his sanity and decision making of late…

“What was that mate? I’m pretty sure I saw you down at the Esplanade today sucking farts out of dead seagulls, so you’re the last person to question me about my mental condition! As it stands, the Pigs have 2 great young wingers from the YA screaming for some training. We also have a few former Piglets that have been trained up forward for the past few seasons that also need some wing experience, but Arkell shits all over them and takes priority – he’ll rip IV.53 a new one as well as getting trained out wide every week! So who’s the crazy one now fella? Do I really look that fuckin stupid…”

It was then that Ova Dunn stepped in and escorted essenn off the stage. He apologized for the language used by the manager, and also for his behavior. But before he knew it, essenn was front and centre once again…

“Call me insane, I don’t give a shit – but Arkell will help us, and in return we’ll help Arkell and Oceania – easy as that! We’re still in the hunt for the title this season, mark my words. We’re not Twisted yet, sister… we are still the Leader of the Pack!”

 

 

6

All or nothing… or something

 

After yet another season with absolutely nothing from the Pig Hunters’ blog, manager essenn has finally decided to post something. And going into the last round of the season, the mood around Satellite 15 was rather tense…

“Ladies and gents, the situation is quite simple but complicated at the same time. We need to win by 10 goals – easy as that! That’s the goal difference between us and Evesham United. That would put us on top on goals scored, and give us the title.”

“But it’s not as simple as that… for every goal that Evesham win by, we need to match it. So if they win 2-0, we need to win 12-0. If it’s 5-1, we need a 14-0 scoreline.  3-0, 13-0. And that’s assuming we don’t cop any goals. And that’s also assuming that Evesham win of course – they could draw or even lose against Orca United who have nothing to play for except for pride… anything could bloody happen! It’s a prick of a situation to be in, and it’s doing my fucking head in trying to figure out all the scenarios and possibilities… but having said all that, we are up for the challenge and look forward to this weekend.”

When asked by a snot-nosed reporter whether he was feeling the pressure leading up to the final round and possibly spending more seasons in the difficult IV.53 division, essenn cracked it and offered nothing, something, and jibberish at the same time…

“Did you expect us to make Round 8 of the Oceania Cup? No, you fucking didn’t. What has this to do with your question? I have no idea! Who are you anyway? Doesn’t matter really, coz we have a player ready to sacrifice to the HT Gods – it’s worked in the past, it’ll work again…I’m sure it will. Why did we sell Reboa? I don’t remember you asking me that question. How did you know about that? Let me tell you something sport – the carpets don’t always match the curtains, remember that! I mean c’mon – have you ever seen something this fiery down under? And how is this a Hair of the Dog? I’ll gladly let the Pigs lose to see a hair on her puss…”

 

 

* The snot-nosed reporter was right… Reboa was sold!

 

4

It’s a Poison!

For the entire season, there was nothing.
No updates, no news, no rumours, no taunting, no controversy, no results, no excuses… no nothing.

Until today.

Manager essenn finally made a return to Satellite 15, and the gathered press and supporters who were expecting something exciting or controversial to happen were all left rather disappointed.

“Although it may seem that I have neglected the Club, I actually haven’t – the Pigs are going along very nicely thankyouverymuch. It’s the communication between the Club and our fans that has deteriorated this past season, and that is something that I want to rectify. It’s all my fault, and I promise to keep all our fans and supporters updated on a much more regular basis going forward.”

“Our End-of-Season Awards night are coming up this weekend, and a review of the season and the Award winners will follow next week. I can’t reveal where the Awards ceremony will be held, but rest assured that we’ll be returning to more traditional surroundings. For now though, I would like to announce the resurrection of the ‘Baggy Pink’ and hereby welcome the following players to the famous ‘Roll of Honour’… Pigs one-and-all!”

Season 12:

108 Artie Young
109 Danilo Criniti
110 Fili Matthews
111 Efrain Beazley
112 Christophe Fortin*
113 Donovan Clark*

 

Season 13:

114 Mitar Nenadić
115 Don Hindmarsh
116 Alessandro Cadle
117 Stan Lautraite
118 Giorgio Bicchielli*

 * – Currently with the Club

With that, essenn turned around and started walking away. Someone then shouted out ‘Hey! WTF? You were gone for so long? What made you come back to the blog?’

“What made me come back? Are you for real? Blogging is a way of life! Sure, I’ve been avoiding it of late… but I can’t stay away. I have tried but it’s like a Poison…”

 

 

1

Season 40 Awards

 

In what can only be described as a first for the Club, the Pig Hunters broke with tradition and chose not to hold their End of Season Awards at the usual venue – Kittens. Nor were they held at Goldfingers, the Men’s Gallery, or Peppermint Hippo’s. No strippers, no boobies, no fluffers. Instead, manager essenn took a rather low-key approach and had a good old fashioned BBQ in the privacy of his backyard.

“I wanted to keep our End of Season Awards away from these sort of venues for once. In the past there have been too many prying eyes reporting on everything we got up to. We’ve got some talented kids that are on the verge of exploding this coming season… and the last thing they needed was bad publicity, or thinking they had made it because they got mentioned (for the wrong reasons) in the papers. So I decided to host it myself – with no reporters or photographers allowed!”  - essenn

With no independant eye-witnesses available to verify or deny exactly what happened last weekend, the blog can only publish the information that was officially released by the Club today – the Award winners (listed below). But some inside information has emerged of late, courtesy of anonymous source. These included:

- that essenn welcomed last seasons late signings Fortin and Clark to the Club, hoping that they would drive the Pigs forward;

- anything less than round 7 of the Cup would be considered a failure;

- winning the GL4 wass high on the priority list;

- no strippers, no boobies, no fluffers… seriously, did you really believe that??

 

Awards:

 

Pig of the Season:  Glenn Harrison

Back-to-back awards for Harrison… and who could argue it? Top goal scorer for the Club, six MVP’s for the season – and the best is still yet to come! Harrison, yet again, gets to wear the no.13 shirt for another season :)

 


Young Pig of the Season:  Fitzroy O’Grady

Competing against the home-grown talents, young Fitzroy has shown guts and determination in upstaging many of the former Piglet proteges throughout the season. The former Whites Wongs player will now be known as ‘Little Piggie‘ for the new season.

 

 

Top Scorer:  Glenn Harrison

Harrison gets the official Award for Top Scorer with 9 goals in competitive matches. But with Harrison claiming the Pig of the Season gong,  Sigismondo Reboa (pictured), the runner-up with 8 goals, gets to wear the no.9 for next season.

 


5

Back on track!

 

Having been away from the Club for most of the season, essenn today announced his official return back to the Pig Hunters. The press room at Satellite 15 was packed full of reporters and supporters eager to find out what the manager had to say about this seasons’ off-field shenanigans…

 

“I’ll begin by admitting I made a huge error in judgement when appointing Ova Dunn to oversee the management of the Pig Hunters. I believed at the time that he would be the perfect person to handle things, but that was clearly not the case. Over the course of the season, he has almost destroyed the Pig Hunters brand. The ‘Fluffer-Gate’ scandal was when I realised that I had made a grave mistake, and that I needed to do something to fix the situation. Being away from the Club, I needed some outside assistance… that’s why I employed the services of Stelio Kontos, to help fix the problem. And he certainly did that!”

“Some have said that it was an over reaction and a bit heavy-handed, others have even suggested it is proof that the Aussie Mafia actually exists. But most of the hardcore fans and supporters have supported my decision. Let’s face it – if Ova was allowed to continue on, he would have destroyed the heart & soul of the Club. He was clearly on a power trip and needed to be put back in his place! Having said that, Ova is still a Legend of the Pigs, and as a Club we will not forget the contribution he has made over the seasons. As such, I am re-instating Dunn as Club Secretary… once he has fully recovered from his injuries.”

“Unfortunately, Ova’s actions have somewhat damaged the Pigs’ reputation… so the task now is to rebuild the Pig Hunters brand. Firstly, for the remainder of this season, Kontos will remain at the Club to help drive out anyone who could potentially tarnish the Pigs even further. Secondly, we have re-employed all the ‘fluffers’ that were given the sack and have back-paid the trollops for the weeks they missed for not doing their job.”

“And lastly, as a peace offering to all our disgruntled supporters, we offer you this video clip for your viewing pleasure… the Pigs are back on track!”

 

*NSFW  (I hold no responsibility if you decide to watch this at work… you have been warned!)

 

 

** Catchy tune, hey!  So how many times have you watched it?  ;)

 

4

‘Maintenance man’ to the rescue…?

 

Ova Dunn, the man who was left in charge of the Pig Hunters for the season while essenn took time off to look after the Camberwell Cobras, has decided to stand down from the position – effective immediately!

Dunn had traveled with the team for the match against Auckland FC New Boys in New Zealand (which resulted in a 2-1 loss for the Pigs), but not long after the match finished he quickly vanished from the stadium. Although his whereabouts is currently unknown, some disturbing images of Dunn have emerged over the past few days.

And just this evening, Dunn issued the following Press Release…

“With much pain and sadness, I hereby resign as manager of the Pig Hunters. From the start, I always felt that I was capable of not only leading the Pigs for the season but also of changing the culture around the Club. It appears however that I took things a step too far, and for that I am deeply sorry. I became power hungry and thought I could change the world… I now understand that I’m a nobody when compared to essenn. To all the players, Club officials, supporters & fans of the Pig Hunters, and to essenn especially, please accept my sincerest apologies for being a massive flog over the past 8 weeks. I have well and truly learned the painful truth of my actions. I hope to remain as Secretary of the Club, with essenn’s permission of course.”

Ova Dunn – looking a little ‘beat up’ following his resignation

 

 

News of Dunn’s resignation has not come as a shock, but his condition afterwards certainly has raised a few eyebrows. Many within the hierarchy at the Pigs believe that recently appointed ‘maintenance man’, Stelio Kontos, was an influential figure in both Dunn’s decision to stand-down and his current appearance. Only one person was prepared to make an official comment, and that was coach Tom Campbell

“Did Stelio do this? Yes, I believe he did. And for what it’s worth, I’m delighted he bloody did it! That prick Dunn almost destroyed the heart and soul of this Club. Good for nothing piece of shit, that’s all he was. I’m glad he’s gone – with him out of the way, we can now regain some lost focus and get the Pigs back on track.”

 

When asked about Dunn’s downfall, essenn only offered this…

“I’ll be sending Stelio Kontos away with the team for this weeks GL4 clash against our rivals MS Odense… seeing as I don’t have a manager to take care of things right now, it makes perfect sense for Stelio to make the trip to Danmark. Once the lads get back, I’ll assess the situation and make a call as I see fit.

And oh yeah, get well soon Ova. Call me when you have recovered and we’ll discuss your future at the Pig Hunters!”

 

Stelio Kontos – trouble ahead for MSO?

 

 

5

Oh please no, not… Stelio Kontos!

 

With the Club still reeling from the fallout of the Fluffer-Gate scandal, reports have emerged today that essenn could be returning back to the Pig Hunters much sooner than expected.

Having stepped aside for the season to overlook his newest venture, it’s believed that essenn has finally lost patience with all the bullshit changes & in-fighting that is happening at the Club.

Although nothing has been officially confirmed, reporter Billy Sewell has it on good authority that the manager has employed the services of Stelio Kontos to help regain control of the situation.

 

Stelio Kontos – from klinko’s to the Pig Hunters?

 

It is still unclear as to whom exactly essenn is targeting, but it would be safe to say that Ova Dunn is no.1 on his hit-list. When asked about the rumors that Stelio Kontos could be joining the Pigs in the near future, Dunn had this to say:

“I don’t know who this Kontos character is, and honestly I don’t really care. I’m in charge here – I’ll do what I want. I won’t be bullied around by essenn or anyone else… matter of fact, I’m the one that will be doing the bullying around here! This is my season, and it’s either my way or the highway. If certain people have a problem with that, then they can go and get stuffed!”

If the speculation is proven true, then it seems that Dunn (as well as others around the Pig Hunters, including anonymous) may shortly be requiring some help from the Club doctors…

 

http://vimeo.com/23928639

 

Stelio, Stelio Kontos..

Stelio, Stelio Kontos..

Stelio…

Koooooooontooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooos!