About Author: essenn

Posts by essenn

5

Insane? maybe…

The mental stability of manager essenn has been the biggest talking point over the past few weeks down at Satellite 15.

Having narrowly missed out on claiming the IV.53 title by a single goal last season, it’s believed that essenn totally lost the plot and went into a meltdown of sorts. In an extraordinary off-season, the manager sold no less than 5 players and bought in just 2 new faces. But it was the signing of Rob Arkell that caused all the concerns about essenn’s well-being.

“There’s nothing wrong with me… honestly! Sure, I was pretty pissed off that we missed out by a single fucking goal – but I’m over that now. Sure, I did spend about AU$13 million dollars for a 21 y.o. striker – so what, because I paid well over his transfer value does that make me insane?”

Rob Arkell - once orgasmic with Orgasmatron, now prowling with the Pig Hunters!

Rob Arkell – once orgasmic with Orgasmatron, now a prowling wingman for the Pig Hunters!

 

As laughter erupted amongst the gathered press, some smartass within the room thought it would be wise to question essenn about his sanity and decision making of late…

“What was that mate? I’m pretty sure I saw you down at the Esplanade today sucking farts out of dead seagulls, so you’re the last person to question me about my mental condition! As it stands, the Pigs have 2 great young wingers from the YA screaming for some training. We also have a few former Piglets that have been trained up forward for the past few seasons that also need some wing experience, but Arkell shits all over them and takes priority – he’ll rip IV.53 a new one as well as getting trained out wide every week! So who’s the crazy one now fella? Do I really look that fuckin stupid…”

It was then that Ova Dunn stepped in and escorted essenn off the stage. He apologized for the language used by the manager, and also for his behavior. But before he knew it, essenn was front and centre once again…

“Call me insane, I don’t give a shit – but Arkell will help us, and in return we’ll help Arkell and Oceania – easy as that! We’re still in the hunt for the title this season, mark my words. We’re not Twisted yet, sister… we are still the Leader of the Pack!”

 

 

6

All or nothing… or something

 

After yet another season with absolutely nothing from the Pig Hunters’ blog, manager essenn has finally decided to post something. And going into the last round of the season, the mood around Satellite 15 was rather tense…

“Ladies and gents, the situation is quite simple but complicated at the same time. We need to win by 10 goals – easy as that! That’s the goal difference between us and Evesham United. That would put us on top on goals scored, and give us the title.”

“But it’s not as simple as that… for every goal that Evesham win by, we need to match it. So if they win 2-0, we need to win 12-0. If it’s 5-1, we need a 14-0 scoreline.  3-0, 13-0. And that’s assuming we don’t cop any goals. And that’s also assuming that Evesham win of course – they could draw or even lose against Orca United who have nothing to play for except for pride… anything could bloody happen! It’s a prick of a situation to be in, and it’s doing my fucking head in trying to figure out all the scenarios and possibilities… but having said all that, we are up for the challenge and look forward to this weekend.”

When asked by a snot-nosed reporter whether he was feeling the pressure leading up to the final round and possibly spending more seasons in the difficult IV.53 division, essenn cracked it and offered nothing, something, and jibberish at the same time…

“Did you expect us to make Round 8 of the Oceania Cup? No, you fucking didn’t. What has this to do with your question? I have no idea! Who are you anyway? Doesn’t matter really, coz we have a player ready to sacrifice to the HT Gods – it’s worked in the past, it’ll work again…I’m sure it will. Why did we sell Reboa? I don’t remember you asking me that question. How did you know about that? Let me tell you something sport – the carpets don’t always match the curtains, remember that! I mean c’mon – have you ever seen something this fiery down under? And how is this a Hair of the Dog? I’ll gladly let the Pigs lose to see a hair on her puss…”

 

 

* The snot-nosed reporter was right… Reboa was sold!

 

4

It’s a Poison!

For the entire season, there was nothing.
No updates, no news, no rumours, no taunting, no controversy, no results, no excuses… no nothing.

Until today.

Manager essenn finally made a return to Satellite 15, and the gathered press and supporters who were expecting something exciting or controversial to happen were all left rather disappointed.

“Although it may seem that I have neglected the Club, I actually haven’t – the Pigs are going along very nicely thankyouverymuch. It’s the communication between the Club and our fans that has deteriorated this past season, and that is something that I want to rectify. It’s all my fault, and I promise to keep all our fans and supporters updated on a much more regular basis going forward.”

“Our End-of-Season Awards night are coming up this weekend, and a review of the season and the Award winners will follow next week. I can’t reveal where the Awards ceremony will be held, but rest assured that we’ll be returning to more traditional surroundings. For now though, I would like to announce the resurrection of the ‘Baggy Pink’ and hereby welcome the following players to the famous ‘Roll of Honour’… Pigs one-and-all!”

Season 12:

108 Artie Young
109 Danilo Criniti
110 Fili Matthews
111 Efrain Beazley
112 Christophe Fortin*
113 Donovan Clark*

 

Season 13:

114 Mitar Nenadić
115 Don Hindmarsh
116 Alessandro Cadle
117 Stan Lautraite
118 Giorgio Bicchielli*

 * – Currently with the Club

With that, essenn turned around and started walking away. Someone then shouted out ‘Hey! WTF? You were gone for so long? What made you come back to the blog?’

“What made me come back? Are you for real? Blogging is a way of life! Sure, I’ve been avoiding it of late… but I can’t stay away. I have tried but it’s like a Poison…”

 

 

1

Season 40 Awards

 

In what can only be described as a first for the Club, the Pig Hunters broke with tradition and chose not to hold their End of Season Awards at the usual venue – Kittens. Nor were they held at Goldfingers, the Men’s Gallery, or Peppermint Hippo’s. No strippers, no boobies, no fluffers. Instead, manager essenn took a rather low-key approach and had a good old fashioned BBQ in the privacy of his backyard.

“I wanted to keep our End of Season Awards away from these sort of venues for once. In the past there have been too many prying eyes reporting on everything we got up to. We’ve got some talented kids that are on the verge of exploding this coming season… and the last thing they needed was bad publicity, or thinking they had made it because they got mentioned (for the wrong reasons) in the papers. So I decided to host it myself – with no reporters or photographers allowed!”  - essenn

With no independant eye-witnesses available to verify or deny exactly what happened last weekend, the blog can only publish the information that was officially released by the Club today – the Award winners (listed below). But some inside information has emerged of late, courtesy of anonymous source. These included:

- that essenn welcomed last seasons late signings Fortin and Clark to the Club, hoping that they would drive the Pigs forward;

- anything less than round 7 of the Cup would be considered a failure;

- winning the GL4 wass high on the priority list;

- no strippers, no boobies, no fluffers… seriously, did you really believe that??

 

Awards:

 

Pig of the Season:  Glenn Harrison

Back-to-back awards for Harrison… and who could argue it? Top goal scorer for the Club, six MVP’s for the season – and the best is still yet to come! Harrison, yet again, gets to wear the no.13 shirt for another season :)

 


Young Pig of the Season:  Fitzroy O’Grady

Competing against the home-grown talents, young Fitzroy has shown guts and determination in upstaging many of the former Piglet proteges throughout the season. The former Whites Wongs player will now be known as ‘Little Piggie‘ for the new season.

 

 

Top Scorer:  Glenn Harrison

Harrison gets the official Award for Top Scorer with 9 goals in competitive matches. But with Harrison claiming the Pig of the Season gong,  Sigismondo Reboa (pictured), the runner-up with 8 goals, gets to wear the no.9 for next season.

 


5

Back on track!

 

Having been away from the Club for most of the season, essenn today announced his official return back to the Pig Hunters. The press room at Satellite 15 was packed full of reporters and supporters eager to find out what the manager had to say about this seasons’ off-field shenanigans…

 

“I’ll begin by admitting I made a huge error in judgement when appointing Ova Dunn to oversee the management of the Pig Hunters. I believed at the time that he would be the perfect person to handle things, but that was clearly not the case. Over the course of the season, he has almost destroyed the Pig Hunters brand. The ‘Fluffer-Gate’ scandal was when I realised that I had made a grave mistake, and that I needed to do something to fix the situation. Being away from the Club, I needed some outside assistance… that’s why I employed the services of Stelio Kontos, to help fix the problem. And he certainly did that!”

“Some have said that it was an over reaction and a bit heavy-handed, others have even suggested it is proof that the Aussie Mafia actually exists. But most of the hardcore fans and supporters have supported my decision. Let’s face it – if Ova was allowed to continue on, he would have destroyed the heart & soul of the Club. He was clearly on a power trip and needed to be put back in his place! Having said that, Ova is still a Legend of the Pigs, and as a Club we will not forget the contribution he has made over the seasons. As such, I am re-instating Dunn as Club Secretary… once he has fully recovered from his injuries.”

“Unfortunately, Ova’s actions have somewhat damaged the Pigs’ reputation… so the task now is to rebuild the Pig Hunters brand. Firstly, for the remainder of this season, Kontos will remain at the Club to help drive out anyone who could potentially tarnish the Pigs even further. Secondly, we have re-employed all the ‘fluffers’ that were given the sack and have back-paid the trollops for the weeks they missed for not doing their job.”

“And lastly, as a peace offering to all our disgruntled supporters, we offer you this video clip for your viewing pleasure… the Pigs are back on track!”

 

*NSFW  (I hold no responsibility if you decide to watch this at work… you have been warned!)

 

 

** Catchy tune, hey!  So how many times have you watched it?  ;)

 

4

‘Maintenance man’ to the rescue…?

 

Ova Dunn, the man who was left in charge of the Pig Hunters for the season while essenn took time off to look after the Camberwell Cobras, has decided to stand down from the position – effective immediately!

Dunn had traveled with the team for the match against Auckland FC New Boys in New Zealand (which resulted in a 2-1 loss for the Pigs), but not long after the match finished he quickly vanished from the stadium. Although his whereabouts is currently unknown, some disturbing images of Dunn have emerged over the past few days.

And just this evening, Dunn issued the following Press Release…

“With much pain and sadness, I hereby resign as manager of the Pig Hunters. From the start, I always felt that I was capable of not only leading the Pigs for the season but also of changing the culture around the Club. It appears however that I took things a step too far, and for that I am deeply sorry. I became power hungry and thought I could change the world… I now understand that I’m a nobody when compared to essenn. To all the players, Club officials, supporters & fans of the Pig Hunters, and to essenn especially, please accept my sincerest apologies for being a massive flog over the past 8 weeks. I have well and truly learned the painful truth of my actions. I hope to remain as Secretary of the Club, with essenn’s permission of course.”

Ova Dunn – looking a little ‘beat up’ following his resignation

 

 

News of Dunn’s resignation has not come as a shock, but his condition afterwards certainly has raised a few eyebrows. Many within the hierarchy at the Pigs believe that recently appointed ‘maintenance man’, Stelio Kontos, was an influential figure in both Dunn’s decision to stand-down and his current appearance. Only one person was prepared to make an official comment, and that was coach Tom Campbell

“Did Stelio do this? Yes, I believe he did. And for what it’s worth, I’m delighted he bloody did it! That prick Dunn almost destroyed the heart and soul of this Club. Good for nothing piece of shit, that’s all he was. I’m glad he’s gone – with him out of the way, we can now regain some lost focus and get the Pigs back on track.”

 

When asked about Dunn’s downfall, essenn only offered this…

“I’ll be sending Stelio Kontos away with the team for this weeks GL4 clash against our rivals MS Odense… seeing as I don’t have a manager to take care of things right now, it makes perfect sense for Stelio to make the trip to Danmark. Once the lads get back, I’ll assess the situation and make a call as I see fit.

And oh yeah, get well soon Ova. Call me when you have recovered and we’ll discuss your future at the Pig Hunters!”

 

Stelio Kontos – trouble ahead for MSO?

 

 

5

Oh please no, not… Stelio Kontos!

 

With the Club still reeling from the fallout of the Fluffer-Gate scandal, reports have emerged today that essenn could be returning back to the Pig Hunters much sooner than expected.

Having stepped aside for the season to overlook his newest venture, it’s believed that essenn has finally lost patience with all the bullshit changes & in-fighting that is happening at the Club.

Although nothing has been officially confirmed, reporter Billy Sewell has it on good authority that the manager has employed the services of Stelio Kontos to help regain control of the situation.

 

Stelio Kontos – from klinko’s to the Pig Hunters?

 

It is still unclear as to whom exactly essenn is targeting, but it would be safe to say that Ova Dunn is no.1 on his hit-list. When asked about the rumors that Stelio Kontos could be joining the Pigs in the near future, Dunn had this to say:

“I don’t know who this Kontos character is, and honestly I don’t really care. I’m in charge here – I’ll do what I want. I won’t be bullied around by essenn or anyone else… matter of fact, I’m the one that will be doing the bullying around here! This is my season, and it’s either my way or the highway. If certain people have a problem with that, then they can go and get stuffed!”

If the speculation is proven true, then it seems that Dunn (as well as others around the Pig Hunters, including anonymous) may shortly be requiring some help from the Club doctors…

 

http://vimeo.com/23928639

 

Stelio, Stelio Kontos..

Stelio, Stelio Kontos..

Stelio…

Koooooooontooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooos!

4

Fluffed about the Cup

 

The Pig Hunters have once again crashed out in the early rounds of the Oceania Cup, following this weeks 0-1 loss away to Undertaker Fc. The result means the Pigs exit the Cup at Round 5, 2 weeks short of the Round 7 target that was set by manager essenn before taking his leave of absence for the season. While it’s believed that many within the inner sanctum of the Club know exactly why & where the Pigs failed, no-one has been willing to share their thoughts publicly.

However, late this afternoon Hall of Fame member and sports journalist Billy Sewell received a phone call from a person who wished to remain anonymous. According to Sewell, the caller was quite disheartened about the situation and laid the blame squarely on Ova Dunn’s shoulders. Being the shifty journalist that he is, Sewell recorded the call and offered the following snippets of the conversation to the ‘Blog’…

Billy Sewell – digging up the dirt

 

“Billy, we’ve known each other for quite a while now, but you didn’t hear this from me, ok? I don’t care who you tell, just don’t mention my name – coz when essenn finds out whats happening he’s gonna fuckin flip!”

“Remember back in the early days when we used to travel by bus to the away games – the Bang Bus we called it, yeah that’s right. And how we used to have all them sluts, hookers, harlots, and moles hanging around the Club all the time… remember? Yeah mate, the good old days… ”

“I can understand why we ditched the Bus, got no problem with that. And I can see why the Club banned the unwanted attraction from the groupies, they were just seeking attention. But our old mate Ova has taken it to another level…”

“Listen to this… he’s fired all of the fluffers! All of them, every single one!”

“Yep – the fluffers! The one’s who were given ‘access all areas’ passes at every bloody game. The one’s who helped us get our blood & motivation going before the game with the promise to relieve it afterwards, but only if we won. The fluffers, man, the inspiration… fuckin gone!”

“I know! Having them in the change rooms before & after the matches are what the Pigs are all about! But Ova has gone and fucked up our tradition. Everyone around the Club was shattered when they heard the news… the players especially couldn’t handle it. That’s why we fucking lost – it’s all Ova’s fault. Between you and me, the prick is fucked when essenn finds out… “

anonymous – who is he?

 

It is still unclear as to whether or not essenn actually knows anything about these recent developments. All attempts have been made to contact both essenn and Ova Dunn, but neither have responded so far. Interesting times ahead…

 

Breaking news:

As manager/owner of both the Pig Hunters and Camberwell FC, essenn has just arranged a friendly match between the two Clubs for next week. The game will be played at Willison Park, home of the Cobras.

Camberwell FC v Pig Hunters – a historic match for essenn!

 

 

2

Dunn: top 4 or bust!

 

With essenn fully focused on Camberwell FC, care-taker manager Ova Dunn took no time in stamping his authority over the Pig Hunters. The ‘Pig Legend‘ made it perfectly clear what he expected from the Club this season, indicating that changes may need to be made to fulfill ‘his‘ vision.

“The 3-3 draw against Teabag FC was great entertainment for the neutral supporter, with us coming back from a 2 goal deficit to pinch a point. But from a Pig perspective it was utter bullshit! We should be winning our home games, not counting our blessings that we grabbed a bloody point. If we want to finish in the top 4, we must improve. If we want to challenge for the title, then changes to personnel will have to be made!”

“I’m dedicated 100% to continue developing our strikers, so there will be no change in that area. Across the middle we are doing ok… it’s our defensive structure that needs to be looked at. And I’m not afraid of putting some players on notice either. Everflod, our so-called no.1 ‘keeper, needs to pull his finger out and find some form quick smart – coz if he doesn’t, he’ll be the first one shipped out! And as for the rest of the defenders… well, their playing futures as Pig Hunters are on the line this season – if they manage to see out the season, that is!”

When asked by a member of the gathered press what essenn would think of his ultimatum to the Clubs’ defenders, a stubborn Dunn responded;

“Quite frankly, essenn left ME in charge for this season. So if I feel the need to spend some money to improve the squad, then I’ll bloody well do it. I know he has worked hard to build up the cash funds, but if we want a respectable finish in IV.53 then we may just have to splash some cash. I’m not saying I will, but I am prepared to do so if needed. Time will tell… “

 

In other news:

- The Pigs recently sold Siaki Allsop for a massive 2 thousand dollars. It’s believed the funds of this transfer will go towards the End-of-Season kitty, with a proposed BooB-Cruise on the cards.

 

BooB-Cruise, anyone?

 

- The Piglets got well and truely beaten in the HTUM Youth League II, going down 1-3 against FC Rünenberg Juniors. An injury to Beazley didn’t help the Piglets cause, and they currently find themselves in 4th position.

- Round 2 of the Cup sees the Pigs away to bot-team flamingmass. Dunn has already expressed his intention of playing a different formation, just for the fuck of it!

 

3

Season Review

 

The End-of Season Awards for the Pig Hunters were held last night at the same venue that they have always been held at – Kittens.  In his last official duty before handing control of the Pigs to Ova Dunn, essenn kept with tradition and gave his season review, before presenting the awards for the season just completed. And as always, the lucky members & fans that were invited to the event were provided with an open bar, fingering food, and free entertainment.

“Our first ever season in division III provided many highs and lows. We were always going to struggle, but I made many mistakes last season, so I take full responsibility for our relegation back to division IV. But the season wasn’t a huge disaster, not by any stretch of the imagination. The training debacle (where at one stage I had 9 trainees and only 6 training spots available) was sorted out by half-way through the season. The sale of the older better players certainly effected our campaign, but it also unearthed some gems that will carry the Pigs forward in the seasons to come. Financially we posted a AU$2.3 million profit, the biggest ever in the history of the Pigs. The Piglet Hunters are currently struggling following the talent drain that has occurred in recent seasons, but I’m happy to announce that they are on-track in their rebuilding phase. Yes, we only lasted one season in div III… but I urge all those fickle bastards that walked out on the Club to return. The upcoming season in IV.53 is going to be a beauty – there are some great clubs in this league!”

League (III.4)

“Up until round 8, we were constantly in the top 2. After that, we failed to pick up a single fucking point. Why? Quite simply, we were undermanned, understrength, and outwitted. Selling our better young strikers didn’t help. Shit form to our no.1 ‘keeper and our 2 best inner midfielders also hurt. But at the end of the day, we simply were not good enough. Easy as that. Our aim at the start was to avoid auto-relegation, and we did that. It’s unfortunate that we came up against a super ABS United in the qualifier… had it been a lesser team, I believe we could have survived. I enjoyed the time in III.4 and hopefully in a few seasons time we’ll be more than ready for division III football.”

The Cup

“A disappointing exit in Round 4 of the Oceania Cup, only because of my stubbornness to ensure that all players got full (or close enough to full) training. Round 4 is not good enough for the Pig Hunters, and hopefully Dunn can take the Club further next season. If it means sacrificing some weeks of training, then so be it.

GL3

“With qualification from the Group stage guaranteed, we decided to forego a number of GL3 matches and play more mid-week games at Satellite 15 to boost the bank balance a bit. The first round of knock-out games was unfair on the Pigs, being drawn to play away to Langer House… how the Pigs could finish 2nd in Group E and play against 1st in Group D, whilst the team that finished 3rd in Group E got to play a team that finished 2nd, is beyond explanation! Nonetheless, the Pigs got the pounding they deserved and exited GL3 in a disappointing, and disappointed, manner.”

 

Awards:

Pig of the Season: Glenn Harrison 

Young Harrison is starting to show why he was so highly regarded when the former Piglet was promoted to the senior squad. By far the best striker all season, Harrison is starting to repay the faith shown in him by the Pigs. Having been voted MVP in xx competitive matches, its no wonder the 21 year old is already regarded as a cult hero by the Troopers. The no.13 shirt for the new season now belongs to Harrison!


Young Pig of the Season: Rick Borneo

Borneo burst into the senior team with 4 goals in as many games. An injury, followed by crap form, halted his great start to the season. But the youngster didn’t give up, eventually forcing his way back into the starting line-up. His 13 goals for the season (including friendlies) has the hierarchy at the Club convinced that the former Piglet will be a future star.

 

Best Clubman: Arthur Scotney          

By his own admission, Scotney did not have a good season – poor form kept him out of the seniors more  often than he was in it. But his commitment to the cause could not be questioned… always making himself available for the mid-week friendlies, passing on advice to the younger players in the squad, and hanging around after training to assist coach Campbell in any way possible. A future coach? Maybe…


Top Scorer: Lefter Keskin (7 goals)  

One of the surprise packets of the season! Keskin responded so well to the change in training, that essenn had to include him as a permanent ‘trainee’. A late surge saw him end up as top scorer for the season with a total of just 7 goals (in competitive matches). As top scorer, Keskin will now wear the no.9 shirt!