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2

Something old, something new, something out of the blue…

 

A hastily arranged press conference was called by essenn today at the Camberwell Civic Centre. With no other Pig official in sight, rumours and whispers quickly spread amongst the gathered reporters. By the end of it though, no-one was quite sure how to react. With a prepared statement in hand, essenn began…

“Let me start by stating that although I am disappointed that the Pig Hunters got relegated from division III, I am still pleased with the Clubs’ efforts throughout the season. It was always going to be a difficult task to survive. Despite the strong start to the season, we were clearly not good enough for III.4 and got our pants pulled down in the run home. As much as I would have loved to stay in div III, the drop to IV.53 might be more beneficially for the Club. A review of the past season will be posted sometime next week. Until then, nothing more will be said or explained about this season.”

 

WTF? What happened? How? All will be explained next week…

 

“Now, as you all know, I have recently applied for a 2nd Club within Hattrick. And after weeks of waiting, the application has finally been approved. I’m pleased to announce that this new Club will be based in Oceania, more specifically in the mighty state of Victoria. It will be a Club located in the leafy inner-eastern suburbs of Melbourne, in close proximity to neighbouring suburbs that have taken the limelight in terms of sporting success over the past 100+ years.”

“Actually, it’s not even a ‘new’ Club… it’s more like a revival! The original club was formed in 1896, and played in the Victorian Football Association between 1926 and 1990. It eventually folded in 1994 and was considered dead and buried – until now, that is! The name of this Club won’t be mentioned here as this is the Pig Hunters blog, and until the HT-Gods provide some clarity regarding the ’2nd-team’ and their privileges/rights, this site will remain purely for the Pigs.”

essenn paused for a few moments, before continuing on…

“Which brings me to my intended purpose of this press conference. With so much going on in regards to the new Club, I feel it’s best that I spend more time focused on them for the upcoming season. After much thought,  I have decided to temporarily step down as manager of the Pig Hunters, and relinquish control over to Ova Dunn. There aren’t many Pigs greater than Dunn, he has the knowledge and capacity to run the Club in my absence… he is after-all, a Pig Legend!”

 

Ova Dunn – appointed ‘caretaker’ manager of the Pig Hunters for a season

 

“As a result of this announcement, Dunn will end his tenure as GL-Council President elect – effective after the GL3 Final this week. It must be noted that during his time in charge of the GL-C, nothing – and I mean nothing – has happened. No complaints, no whinges, no protests, no scandals, no conspiracies. Considering the circumstances leading up to his appointment, I would say that Dunn has done an outstanding job doing nothing… and I’m sure most of you would agree!”

“I wish Ova all the best of luck with the Pig Hunters next season, I know he will do his utmost to ensure success for the seasons to come. The foundations have been set for the Pigs, and they are in more-than-capable hands. I must re-iterate, however, that this arrangement is for one season and one season only… once the new Club is up and running to my satisfaction, I will return to take the reigns of the mighty Pigs!”

 

5

Baggy Pink “Roll of Honour”

 

Following on from the introduction of the Baggy Pink, fellow manager awrace suggested it would be an almighty idea to list all of the players who had ever represented the Pig Hunters… by order of appearance. After some long research, essenn can now reveal the official Baggy Pink “Roll of Honour”!

 

Season 1:

1 Nicanor Cumsille
2 Ryan Haldon
3 Mark Waite
4 Tetsurou Okumura
5 Jim Claridge
6 Dee Sutheran
7 Ova Dunn
8 Charles Perkins
9 Kane Muntz
10 Billy Sewell
11 Numbers Atkins
12 Thomas Whitaker
13 Vijay Soliola
14 Dustin Bonetti
15 DJ Medhurst
16 Johnson Ruffles
17 Rob Mew
18 Phillip McMahon
19 Leo Foley
20 Weston Quigley
21 Curt Ulsamer
22 Arsene Barnutiu
23 Benjamin Lintner
24 Zeki Erma
25 Prospero Pupazzi
26 Tygo van Altena
27 Branimir Decijar
28 Edward Hetnal
29 Lucas McGauran
30 关(Guan) 儒文(Ruwen)**
31 Anne van der Lem

 

Season 2:

32 Maroš Kopácik
33 Fritz Forney
34 Lassi Hakanen
35 Reinhart Weginger
36 Tyler Farmer

 

Season 3:

37 Sergio Garduño
38 Robby Deleon
39 Kevin Linggi**
40 Lino Carcatella
41 Jesús Bolòs
42 Sicco van Heumen
43 Ronen Karpen
44 Tero Puujalka

 

Season 4:

45 Nat Situnayake
46 Kip Chudasama*
47 Pablo Urenda
48 Ezechiele Carrano
49 Jânio Bezner
50 Vlad Muntean
51 Ed Munz
52 Pamir Emin
53 Feliciano Campos Teixeira

 

Season 5:

54 Jacques Neumühlen**
55 Marcos García-Cardo
56 Mateusz Litwin
57 Watze Heerssema*
58 Stavros Tzanetakos
59 Epi Warendorf*
60 Darryl Sherman

 

Season 6:

61 Arthur Scotney*
62 Nikos Neochoritis
63 Reginald Mercurio*
64 Nick Puruntatameri
65 Barnabás Köves*
66 Aurélien Carlier
67 Aron Lagin*
68 Denis Škapa
69 Arnold McVeigh
70 Donald Waiora

 

Season 7:

71 Xeremías Cacavelos*
72 Alex Tingwell*
73 Magnus Adelørn*

 

Season 8:

74 Jovan Janic*
75 Glenn Harrison*
76 Lefter Keskin*
77 Tom Campbell**

 

Season 9:

78 Lou Blanchett
79 Niklas Everflod*
80 Joeli Charlesworth
81 Lamah Itani
82 Ola Tungbo
83 Juan Bayo
84 Bruce Maguire
85 Rupert Wang

 

Season 10:

86 Lewis Hazelhurst
87 Nat Bugangidja
88 Corey Wynmuru
89 James Baringa
90 Jean-Marc Balogh*
91 David Julve
92 Rüstü Sevin
93 Jürgen Tompkin*
94 Arnold Doohan
95 Wiam Jundi
96 Rick Borneo*
97 Gaston Stanley
98 Nigel Sanders*

 

Season 11 (current):

99 Otis Kennerley
100 Sigismondo Reboa*
101 Orazio Ghignone
102 Vince Waasdorp*
103 Haimona Tuck
104 Fitzroy O’Grady*
105 Kermit Ashford
106 Sean Ceccoli
107 Hector Moody*

 

* – Currently with the Club

** – Coach/ex-coaches

 

 

 

6

A new tradition begins!

 

During today’s daily discussion about all things Hattrick with manager awrace from Whites Wongs, an idea popped into essenn’s head (no smart-ass comments required, thankyouverymuch!)

It wasn’t long before the topic of discussion turned to ‘Most Matches Played’ (for those that don’t know, the Pig Hunters and Whites Wongs started life within weeks of each other, and ever since then have enjoyed a healthy rivalry against each other). With awrace boasting ‘this player has played more games’ and ‘this player has also played more games than anyone in your team’ and ‘I’ve got more longer serving players than you do’, essenn noticed that the Pigs had also used more players.

“We’ve had over 100 players representing the Pigs over the seasons”, thought essenn, whilst scoffing down home-made dim sims drowned in soy sauce from Swan Street. Maybe it’s time we recognised and acknowledged all the players that have played for us over the years, and maybe even start a new tradition”.

At that moment, the Baggy Pink was born!

 

 

the Baggy Pink

 

 

All 106 players that have ever played for the Club (past and present) will be given a Baggy Pink, as a mark of respect and ‘thanks’ for pulling on the Pig Hunters shirt. Players like Dunn, Sewell, Waite, Sutheran, Carlier, Litwin, Kerr, Linggi, Wyatt, van Altena, Emin, Tzanetakos, Numbers Atkins… all will receive one, regardless if they played just 1 or 100 games for the Pigs!

And to kick it all off, the latest Piglet to be promoted into the senior team, and who will be making his debut for the Pigs in tomorrows GL3 clash – Hector Moody – was awarded the 107th Baggy Pink prior to the team leaving for India.

 

It’s an honour to present Hector with this, and hopefully it’s a new tradition that will continue on for many more seasons to come. Now if you don’t mind, we have a GL3 match against Langer House to get to.”

“And before anyone asks, yes we had to make the cap a little bit bigger for Hector, but only because we had to cover that ridiculous tuft of his hair sticking out… it somehow reminded us all of Mary. ”

 

Hector Moody – with the oversized Baggy Pink

 

 

8

E-Pigs?

 

After a long period of inactivity, today manager essenn decided that instead of releasing an official ‘announcement’,  he would take a different approach and publicly answer some of the e-mails he has received over the past few weeks. Not all e-mails could be answered (nor could all e-mails be published), so listed below are the ones essenn has chosen to share with the public…

essenn

 

Q: Where have you been? Have you abandoned the mighty Pigs? Why hasn’t the blog been updated? (Steve from Springvale)

A: No Steve, I haven’t abandoned the Pigs. My passion for the Pig Hunters is as strong as ever. I’ve been very busy of late, that’s all. With so many things going on behind the scenes, I just need some extra time to deal with them. Unfortunately, the blog has suffered due to these circumstances… I will however try to make more time available in keeping our fans & supporters updated in the future.

Q: Hi essenn. I think you are doing a great job :) But I’m quite concerned about our recent league form :( What has gone wrong? (Danielle from Doveton)

A: Hi Danielle, thanks for the kind words ;) Our recent results have been quite poor, I agree! The simple fact remains that we promoted into division III when we clearly were not ready to. Our change in training strategy last season forced us to throw younger, inexperienced, and less skilled players into the starting line-up. We’ve also had to adjust our style of play to accordingly. At the start of the season we were aiming for survival, and that is still our aim now. Luckily for us we managed to get some results go our way early on this campaign which has certainly helped!

Q: Ever since you sold Sevin, we haven’t won a game. Why the F%#K did you sell him? What a major f%#k up! You’re a total disgrace you f%#wit!! (Colin from Coolaroo)

A: He had to be sold because he was taking up a training spot, and I felt that one of our younger boys could benefit greatly from getting 100% training. Sevin was the oldest trainee, he had to go, easy as that. We’ve got another Piglet coming through the ranks that will be promoted next week, so expect a few more players to be sold over the next few weeks. Oh, and he also refused to ‘do’ your sister… but why doesn’t that surprise me!! Piss off Colin, you f%#stick!

Q: Any truth in the rumour that you are about to launch a 2nd team? If so, how will this effect the Pig Hunters? (Frank from Fawkner)

A: Yes, it is true. Although nothing is official yet, I have decided to start a 2nd team right here in Oceania. All the relevant paperwork has been submitted and I’m just waiting for the application to be approved. I will not reveal the name/identity/colours/logo of this ‘new’ club on the Pig Hunters blog, as it is a totally seperate entity and has nothing to do whatsoever with the Pigs. I hope this somehow answers your question about what the effect will be.

Q: Congrats on qualifying for the GL3 finals! :) Do you think we can win it? What are your expectations? (Katie from Keilor)

A: Thanks Katie, I hope we can win it ;) If you had asked me a season ago before we switched training, I would have said ‘yes, we can win it’. But with GL3 running over a period of 2 seasons, and given our change of focus, I would say it will be extremely difficult for us now. We have a very tough task just to survive in III.4 and that is our no.1 priority, so don’t expect much from the Pigs in GL3 ;)

Q: Is there any chance that we can bring back some of the ‘pink’, and have the girls from Kittens provide the half-time entertainment? Just like the good old days? I really miss them… (Robert from Rosemeadow)

A: Yes there is a chance, Robert. We have settled our differences with the sluts entertainers from Kittens, and I am currently in negotiations with them to make a long awaited return to Satellite 15… so stay tuned!

 

 

2

Sewell enters the Hall of Fame

 

The last original Pig still at the Club has today announced his retirement, effective immediately. After 10 seasons and a club record 105 goals, Billy Sewell felt the time was right to hang up the boots, as he explained…

Billy Sewell – calling it quits after 10 seasons

 

“When manager essenn told me late last season that the Club was bringing in young strikers to train up, I knew my time at the Pig Hunters was coming to end. He told me that if I wanted to continue my career elsewhere he would not stand in my way and give me a free transfer, but I’m a proud Pig and have been with the Club since it first began, and I just couldn’t see myself playing for another club. I asked him if I could just hang around the Club and help the youngsters in whatever way I could, up until a spot was available in the Hall of Fame. essenn thought that was a great idea… and so here we are today!”

Not only is Sewell the all-time leading scorer for the Pig Hunters, he is also the most capped player – having played in 158 matches including 96 ‘official’ League & Cup games. His 14 hattricks are also a Club record, as is his tally of 22 goals in a season. essenn took some time out of his busy schedule to pay homage to the great man…

“Make no mistake, Billy is a true Legend of the Club. His stats speak for themselves – most goals, most appearances, most hattricks – but more importantly, most loyal. He could have walked away at the start of the season, but he chose to stick around and remain a one-team player. And I’m glad he did, because from now onwards he will never be forgotten. As the last original Pig player, I’m honoured to induct Billy Sewell into the Pig Hunters’ Hall of Fame!”

 

The match against Timbercutters FC also marks the 10 season anniversary of the first ever Pig Hunters ‘home’ game. Played at ‘Pig Park’, the Pigs got up 4-1 against Montgomery F.C. (Sewell played in this match, however he didn’t get on the scoresheet). To commemorate this milestone, the Pigs will be playing in an alternative kit… and bringing back the ‘pink’!

“It’s been a long time since we last saw the pink strip, so I figured what the hell, lets re-introduce it today on this special occasion. If it proves successful and the fans want to see more pink, then maybe next season we will use it as our Cup kit”.

 

The Pink is back!
(Billy Sewell, in his last official photo shoot, is seated second from the left)

 

 

*  There is now only 1 original Pig still running around – Numbers Atkins, who plays for AC/DC F.C. in Brasil

 

4

Long live Fitzroy!

A very happy essenn this week welcomed young Fitzroy O’Grady into the Pig Hunters’ family. Having paid $300,000 for the youngster (which has gone against the recent trend and philosophy of only training ‘home-grown’ players) the manager was pleased he had captured the players’ signature with minimal fuss.

Fitzroy O’Grady – will always fight for victory, and will always see it through…

 

“The Pig Hunters have always enjoyed a healthy relationship with Whites Wongs“, said essenn at a press conference today. “Both our clubs were established at around the same time, and ever since we have kept a close eye on each others progress. We’ve tried to help out awrace and the Wongs wherever we could, and conversely they’ve respectively helped us out whenever needed as well.”

“Early last season, the Piglets produced some great talented players that were not part of the Clubs’ training philosophy, and as such had to be moved on. Whites Wongs were interested in these players… as a result, Lewis HazelhurstWiam Jundi were subsequently transferred to our ‘friendly rivals’. This didn’t sit well with some of The Troopers – they saw it as the ultimate insult – and demanded we poached one of their young stars in return.”

“So today, I’m pleased to announce that Fitzroy O’Grady has now crossed the divide and joined the Pig Hunters. He’ll be a great asset to the Club, mark my words! He’s a talented striker that was unwanted by his old club… we’ll make sure that the Wongs will regret the decision to let him go. And with a name like Fitzroy, we’re sure he will become a Cult figure at the Pig Hunters in the future”.

“I can almost hear the crowd singing his name now… ‘Fitzroy, Fitzrooooooy’  ;)   ”

 

 

0

Dunn wants YOU!!

 

Another week, and another win for the Pigs in their debut season in division III. The surprising 4-1 win over Victorian rivals Collingwood F.C now sees the Pig Hunters with 4 wins out of 4, and the haul of 12 points so far has way exceeded the Clubs’ expectations. Despite the brilliant start to the season, manager essenn felt it best to neglect the team’s achievements and instead announce the Clubs’ latest appointment…

“I have decided to appoint Ova Dunn as Secretary of the Club – effective immediately. Having been appointed as President of the GL Council, I felt that Ova should take a more active role within the Pig Hunters. I’ve kept him away from the spotlight for long enough… It’s now time for Ova to make his mark – not only for the Pigs, but also for the greater good of the GL.”

With that, essenn invited Ova onto the stage to a warm round of applause. Looking a little nervous, and after taking a few deep breaths, Dunn waited for the crowd to fall silent before finally addressing the gathering.

“I was elected into the role of GL Council President not knowing what was involved or expected. And even today, I still don’t know what it’s all about. I’ve heard a few rumours around the traps – club buyouts, criminal activity, etc – but to this day, I haven’t received any official complaint from anyone! Not 1 manager or team has sent me any correspondence claiming foul play or anything illegal! ”

“Whether that means there is nothing to worry about, I’m not sure. I am still new in this position, but as the President of the GL Council, I strongly urge anyone who has any grievances about the Golden League – whether it be great or small – to contact me directly! If I do not know about it, then I cannot act accordingly!”

“The GL Council is here for everyone, and as President I promise to hear all thoughts/complaints/praises personally. This week, the Pig Hunters will host Los Mejores Fútbol Club in the GL, and I look forward to talking to manager vgrille about his recent comments. That being said, anyone else involved directly or indirectly with the Golden League is more than welcome to voice their opinion… that’s why I got elected ;) !”

 

 

 

3

Cup run ends

 

Following today’s Round 4 exit in the Oceania Cup, a large number of the Clubs’ more fanatical followers (known as The Troopers) fronted up at Satellite 15 and staged a protest against the Pigs’ poor showing. After several hours of abuse & chanting, manager essenn finally appeared to help ease their anger and frustration. And he wasn’t happy…

“What the FUCK is going here?”

The crowd quickly falls silent.

“Seriously… why are you all here?”

A Trooper then yells out, “Because we lost today”

“So you all came here, yelling and screaming, just because we lost in the Cup today? Are you psycho’s really serious?”

Another Trooper shouts, “We expected more from our Club”

“How much fucking more do you expect? We had already warned you that training our young forwards was our first and foremost priority. We told you that survival in div III.4 was crucial. We told you not to ‘expect’ a Cup run. Yes it does suck balls that we got knocked out of the Cup so early on… but one loss does not mean the end of the world! We’ve laid the foundations for success – what more do you want from us?”

Stunned silence from the Troopers, until someone says “We want more…”

“More what, dipshit? More focus? More planning? More success? I’m sorry for the Cup demise, but we’re focusing on bigger things here! My brothers, we must stick together and accept the lows that will eventually come with the highs. We are a Clan, and as such, we must swear to defend and fight to the end… we are the Pig Hunters – we are Clansmen!!”

 

 

 

1

New season, new challenges

 

The Pig Hunters have finally published their first press release of the new season. With manager essenn nowhere to be seen, it was left to Club Legend Ova Dunn to handle the proceedings.

 

Ova Dunn

 

“Unfortunately essenn could not be here today – he is still away on ‘business’. I can’t tell you what he is up to but what I can say is that he has prepared a summary of what has transpired at the Pig Hunters over the past few weeks, and what the season expectations are. Also, I must apologise to the Pig fans and supporters for the lack of communication of late… we have all been rather busy, but rest assured we have made it our top priority to get at least 1 post published per week. Until next time – go the mighty PIGS!”

____________________________________________________________________________________________

 

essenn:

“Let’s be honest here… no-one, not even me, would/could have foreseen the Pig Hunters being promoted out of IV.48! Back in Round 10 last season, I made the decision to switch our training focus and develop our own ‘homegrown’ Piglets. At the time, we had several forwards with serious potential playing in the Youth Academy – it seemed only logical to train them up ourselves and help improve the Club, both on the field and financially, in our current league. So the plan was to survive a few more seasons before mounting a serious campaign… I certainly did not expect to get promoted into division III football the same fuckin season!”

“But as it stands, we did – and pretty much threw all our carefully calculated plans out the bloody window! Not that I’m complaining mind you, but it has forced us as a Club to slightly change our strategy and expectations. Some were forced upon us, others were just plain obvious… at the end of the day, we must strive to survive in III.4 but also must be realistic enough to concede that we probably will struggle to do so. Whatever happens, the future looks good for the Pig Hunters!”

 

Stadium:

Following promotion to div III, it was decided that the current 52,000 capacity wasn’t big enough. After much thought and detailed analysis, the all-clear was given to expand the ground to 60,500 (*essenn is looking at suing the builders for not completing the work in time). As always with a stadium upgrade, the name has also changed. the Spit-Roast is no more… from now onwards, the Pigs will play at Satellite 15

Coach:

Tom Campbell was quickly appointed coach of the Pig Hunters for the new season on two reasons. Firstly, the old coach Neumühlen was very close to losing his marbles – something that we didn’t need with young trainees and going into a tough div III campaign. And secondly, with so many young forwards, we felt the need to appoint an attacking coach to help our attack ratings would be wise.  The fact that the Oceania NT were also looking for a coach was a bonus… congrats to Campbell for being selected as the NT Coach!

Players:

With the emphasis now on training forwards, the Club had no option but to sell Carlier, Tungbo, and Škapa. In their place come Rick Borneo, Arnold Doohan, Nigel Sanders, Sigismondo Reboa (all from the Piglets), and Orazio Ghignone (from Club Atlètico River Ale). There may be one or two new players joining the Club over the season, but for now we will persist with the same playing list.

Season Expectations:

Survival in III.4 is the aim! That means finishing in 6th position or higher. A very tough ask in a very competitive league, but we are up for the challenge. There will be no emphasis on a Cup run either, as we feel we simply don’t have the necessary depth to focus on 2 competitions at this stage. Our no.1 priority for this season will be training and developing our young players.

 

The 4 Muppets – Doohan, Reboa, Borneo, Sanders

 

5

Join the Convoy!

After almost 2 months in hiatus, manager essenn finally fronted the press today. When asked by the Pig Hunters official Press Officer where he had been all this time, essenn called a temporary halt to the conference to drag the young bloke aside…

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rb7FgSzeGqg

 

Once the youngster was gone, essenn went on:

“Back-to-back Title wins, back-to-back Promotions… from div V to div III in two seasons!!  We had some results go the Pigs’ way this season, but the way we see it, the HT-Gods owed us some slack considering the crap they have dished us… like putting us in the hardest Oceanian div V for so many seasons, then promoting us into the most dominant div IV last campaign.”

essenn continued…

“I can’t say that we will survive in div III, most likely we’ll drop back down to IV… but I urge all fans and supporters to join the Pig Convoy next season!”

 

‘Cause we got a little ol’ convoy
Rockin’ through the night.
Yeah, we got a little ol’ convoy,
Ain’t she a beautiful sight?
Come on and join our convoy,
Ain’t nothin’ gonna get in our way.
We gonna roll this fuckin’ convoy,
‘Cross Ocean-I-A…
Convoy!!

 

 

Go PIGS! :D