Hattrick United

Following today’s Round 4 exit in the Oceania Cup, a large number of the Clubs’ more fanatical followers (known as The Troopers) fronted up at Satellite 15 and staged a protest against the Pigs’ poor showing. After several hours of abuse & chanting, manager essenn finally appeared to help ease their anger and frustration. And he wasn’t happy…

“What the FUCK is going here?”

The crowd quickly falls silent.

“Seriously… why are you all here?”

A Trooper then yells out, “Because we lost today”

“So you all came here, yelling and screaming, just because we lost in the Cup today? Are you psycho’s really serious?”

Another Trooper shouts, “We expected more from our Club”

“How much fucking more do you expect? We had already warned you that training our young forwards was our first and foremost priority. We told you that survival in div III.4 was crucial. We told you not to ‘expect’ a Cup run. Yes it does suck balls that we got knocked out of the Cup so early on… but one loss does not mean the end of the world! We’ve laid the foundations for success – what more do you want from us?”

Stunned silence from the Troopers, until someone says “We want more…”

“More what, dipshit? More focus? More planning? More success? I’m sorry for the Cup demise, but we’re focusing on bigger things here! My brothers, we must stick together and accept the lows that will eventually come with the highs. We are a Clan, and as such, we must swear to defend and fight to the end… we are the Pig Hunters – we are Clansmen!!”

The Pig Hunters have finally published their first press release of the new season. With manager essenn nowhere to be seen, it was left to Club Legend Ova Dunn to handle the proceedings.

Ova Dunn

“Unfortunately essenn could not be here today – he is still away on ‘business’. I can’t tell you what he is up to but what I can say is that he has prepared a summary of what has transpired at the Pig Hunters over the past few weeks, and what the season expectations are. Also, I must apologise to the Pig fans and supporters for the lack of communication of late… we have all been rather busy, but rest assured we have made it our top priority to get at least 1 post published per week. Until next time – go the mighty PIGS!”

____________________________________________________________________________________________

essenn:

“Let’s be honest here… no-one, not even me, would/could have foreseen the Pig Hunters being promoted out of IV.48! Back in Round 10 last season, I made the decision to switch our training focus and develop our own ‘homegrown’ Piglets. At the time, we had several forwards with serious potential playing in the Youth Academy – it seemed only logical to train them up ourselves and help improve the Club, both on the field and financially, in our current league. So the plan was to survive a few more seasons before mounting a serious campaign… I certainly did not expect to get promoted into division III football the same fuckin season!”

“But as it stands, we did – and pretty much threw all our carefully calculated plans out the bloody window! Not that I’m complaining mind you, but it has forced us as a Club to slightly change our strategy and expectations. Some were forced upon us, others were just plain obvious… at the end of the day, we must strive to survive in III.4 but also must be realistic enough to concede that we probably will struggle to do so. Whatever happens, the future looks good for the Pig Hunters!”

Stadium:

Following promotion to div III, it was decided that the current 52,000 capacity wasn’t big enough. After much thought and detailed analysis, the all-clear was given to expand the ground to 60,500 (*essenn is looking at suing the builders for not completing the work in time). As always with a stadium upgrade, the name has also changed. the Spit-Roast is no more… from now onwards, the Pigs will play at Satellite 15

Coach:

Tom Campbell was quickly appointed coach of the Pig Hunters for the new season on two reasons. Firstly, the old coach Neumühlen was very close to losing his marbles – something that we didn’t need with young trainees and going into a tough div III campaign. And secondly, with so many young forwards, we felt the need to appoint an attacking coach to help our attack ratings would be wise.  The fact that the Oceania NT were also looking for a coach was a bonus… congrats to Campbell for being selected as the NT Coach!

Players:

With the emphasis now on training forwards, the Club had no option but to sell Carlier, Tungbo, and Škapa. In their place come Rick Borneo, Arnold Doohan, Nigel Sanders, Sigismondo Reboa (all from the Piglets), and Orazio Ghignone (from Club Atlètico River Ale). There may be one or two new players joining the Club over the season, but for now we will persist with the same playing list.

Season Expectations:

Survival in III.4 is the aim! That means finishing in 6th position or higher. A very tough ask in a very competitive league, but we are up for the challenge. There will be no emphasis on a Cup run either, as we feel we simply don’t have the necessary depth to focus on 2 competitions at this stage. Our no.1 priority for this season will be training and developing our young players.

The 4 Muppets – Doohan, Reboa, Borneo, Sanders

After almost 2 months in hiatus, manager essenn finally fronted the press today. When asked by the Pig Hunters official Press Officer where he had been all this time, essenn called a temporary halt to the conference to drag the young bloke aside…

Once the youngster was gone, essenn went on:

“Back-to-back Title wins, back-to-back Promotions… from div V to div III in two seasons!!  We had some results go the Pigs’ way this season, but the way we see it, the HT-Gods owed us some slack considering the crap they have dished us… like putting us in the hardest Oceanian div V for so many seasons, then promoting us into the most dominant div IV last campaign.”

essenn continued…

“I can’t say that we will survive in div III, most likely we’ll drop back down to IV… but I urge all fans and supporters to join the Pig Convoy next season!”

‘Cause we got a little ol’ convoy
Rockin’ through the night.
Yeah, we got a little ol’ convoy,
Ain’t she a beautiful sight?
Come on and join our convoy,
Ain’t nothin’ gonna get in our way.
We gonna roll this fuckin’ convoy,
‘Cross Ocean-I-A…
Convoy!!

Go PIGS!

Ova Dunn made his last ever appearance for the Pig Hunters yesterday, coming off the bench in a 2-0 win against Klaukkala Bears. The home fans had to wait until the 69th minute before the ‘Legend’ proudly ran onto the pitch for the last time in his lengthy career. As the ref blew the final whistle in this GL3 encounter, thousands of fans invaded the playing arena and surrounded their hero… in the end they formed a human wall leading to the change rooms, across which Dunn was carried on the shoulders of both fans and ex-players alike. As his boots touched the sacred playing turf of the Spit-Roast for a final time, Dunn turned around and blew kisses to the crowd with tears in his eyes. The legendary ’69′ then took a final bow before walking down the tunnel… forever!

In the hours following his retirement, Ova Dunn held an exclusive interview with fellow Pig Hall of Fame member (and current Pig Hunters Agent) Dee Sutheran.

“So, here we are Ova… 9 seasons after the Pig Hunters were established, and at the ripe old age of nearly 35, you’ve decided to hang up the boots. What was your decision behind this, and why?”

“As you know Dee – and we were both at this Club when it first got started – we were total rubbish in the early days. But after a while we started to improve and eventually got promoted into div V. I felt I was good enough to help the Pigs survive life in div V, and I was proven right. But not even I, nor the Club, would have expected such a long & tough slog in one of the hardest div V leagues going around! Seven seasons in V.95! Luckily enough, we got promoted into division IV football this season… but even more unluckily for the Pigs, we got stuck into arguably the toughest div IV in all of Oceania – IV.48 has been a bitch so far! I’m humble enough to know that I can’t contribute any value whatsoever to the team, and as such I’ve made the decision to give my spot in the squad to a younger player who can make an impact for the Club.”

“You’re a Foundation member of the Pigs, and manager essenn has already stated that you can choose whatever role you want within the Pig Hunters’ organisation… have you given that any thought?”

“To be honest, no I haven’t. There is still one Foundation member left on the playing list – and until Billy Sewell finally decides that enough is enough, I won’t be pressing the issue either. He’s the leading goal scorer of all Pig time… he deserves as much credit, if not more, than me!”

“With all due respect to Sewell, he has never been the ‘face, heart, or soul’ of the Pig Hunters… whereas you have always been. Now that you’ve officially retired, what are your plans for the future? ”

“Immediate future? Well, the next few days will be filled with cigarettes & alcohol! After that, I’ll be focusing my attention on joining the GL Council. I’ve done as much as I can as a player – 9 seasons of blood, sweat, and tears… I feel I’m more than qualified to join the Council! I highly doubt there are more peers better qualified than me – but with so many applicants, there is one thing I hope is my favour…”

“And what would that be, Ova?”

“Simply put… Oceania needs a representative on the GL Council. Easy as that! Per Capita, I think we Oceanians are right up there with the rest of the HTUM community. To have a GL Council that doesn’t involve Oceania is not within the ideals, or ‘spirit’ if you may,  that is the GL! That is why I’m putting my hand up… to give us blokes ‘Down Under’ a true voice.”

Ova Dunn – doing it for Oceania!

Ova Dunn fact file:

Matches:  107 (competitive), 145 (total)

Captain:  38 (competitive), 46 (total)

Goals:  58

Hattricks:  4

At a packed out press announcement today, manager essenn delivered the news that all fans and followers of the Pigs had hoped would never come. A clearly nervous essenn adjusted his tie whilst waiting for the room to fall silent, took a deep breath, and then began reading from a prepared statement…

“Ladies and gents, today is the day that all of us have been dreading for some time now. It’s the day when a true Pig Hunters ‘Legend’ hangs up his boots and waves goodbye to his playing career. It’s the day when a Foundation member of the Pigs, and long-serving former Captain, finally says ‘that’s it’. It’s the day when a large part of the Club dies… it is with deep regret that I inform everyone… Ova Dunn has announced his retirement as a player of the Pig Hunters!”

With the press room erupting into a state of mixed emotions, essenn took the liberty to compose himself whilst questions were thrown at him left, right and centre. After some time, he stepped back up to the microphone and called for some calm.

“Please, people… this is an announcement, not a conference. All questions will have to wait until the end of the week. I promise you’ll get the opportunity later on – but for now, please let me continue…”

As the noise slowly settled down, essenn continued.

“Ova advised me of his decision last week, when he realised that he could no longer keep up with the younger blokes in the squad. I tried to persuade him to at least see out the season, but he was adamant that his time was up. Over a few beers, I managed to get Ova to agree to a ‘testimonial’ match – shit, I couldn’t let our Legend leave the game without a farewell run in front of his adoring fans!”

Ova Dunn is his glory days…

“As a sign of respect to the great man, I let Ova choose who he wanted to play in his last ever competitive match. His choice was instantaneous… Klaukkala Bears! When I asked why, he simply said ‘because Lupachuk designed our new logo, so we could use this one game as a double celebration – my retirement, and a thanks to Lupa for his great design’. That, my friends, is the true sign of a Legend… humble in his career, and always looking out for what’s best for the Club – you could not ask for more from a Pig Hunter!”

The gathered crowd rose up as one and applauded loudly, but essenn was quick to hush them down…

“Hang on, hang on, I haven’t finished yet. Ova, although finished as a player after our GL3 game this week will not, I repeat, will NOT be leaving the Club. He will be elevated into the Hall of Fame, and I’ll leave it up to Ova to decide what position he wants… it’s only fair.”

“Furthermore, I’m happy to announce that Ova Dunn has expressed an interest in joining the GL Council. As a Club, we are fully behind his decision and wish him all the best. We’ll give him the chance to address the press about his past, present, and future endeavours in the coming days… but for now we ask that you’ll respectively join us in celebrating the Greatest Pig Hunter of all time in his last ever match for the Pigs!”

Ova Dunn – Thanks for the memories!

**  Pig Hunters v Klaukkala Bears, 21-11-2012 04.00 (HT time) @ the Spit-Roast… join us as we farewell a Pig Legend!

Usually cool, calm, and collected, tonight essenn fronted the media in a somewhat fired-up mood. And the reason for this became apparent as the press conference went on…

“Firstly, I want to congratulate the lads on a fine win against Busso Dingoes. In arguably the hardest division IV league in all of Oceania, the Pigs have more than held their own so far this season in IV.48 – but with such tough opposition week in week out, we must remain focused and aim for survival… one week at a time is the attitude.”

“But now, to more telling matters… Politzia recently released a so-called ‘genuine’ video of me. Does he take everyone for fools? Is he even half serious? It’s quite obvious his video is a fake – it’s not even me in his video! Watch the two clips side by side, and tell me that the ‘essenn’ in both are one and the same… not only that, but the sheila in his video is fully dressed – everyone knows that we have a ‘less is best’ dress code for our female employees!”

The ‘less is best’ dress code… at it’s best!

“To be honest, this unprovoked attack by Politzia on the Pig Hunters does not surprise me one little bit. They know they can’t beat us on their own merits, so they went ahead and created lies and inuendo to disguise the fact. And Rochdale United are not the only ones to have resorted to such tactics… It’s come to my attention that recently our so-called Group E ‘teammates’, Flaming Wodkas FC, have also stooped low enough to suggest that fellow Oceanian WozzaNoski is actually a female – completely untrue, unprovoked, and uncalled for!”

“Personally, I will not put up with this newly found fascination of Oceania-bashing. I’d expect this sort of behaviour from MSO, but I did not think anyone else would drop their standards to this level!  I hope my fellow Oceanian brothers will join me and make a stance against this outrageous rubbish!  Shit, they’ve already labelled us as the ‘Australian Mafia’… and as such, I think it’s time we stood together as one, united beneath the Southern Cross, to give these muppets the big ‘Up Yours!’…”

“Brothers (and sisters), the time has come for each and every one of you to decide whether you are going to be the problem or you are going to be the solution! You must choose, brothers, you must choose. It takes five seconds, five seconds of decision, five seconds to realize your purpose here on the GL3 planet. It takes five seconds to realize that its time to move, it’s time to get down with it. Brothers, it’s time to testify. And I want to know – are you ready to testify ? Are you ready ??  I give you… ”

* The press conference then ended abruptly as Secretary Edward Hetnał somehow managed to turn off the PA system before a copyright infringement was made…

have a go, yer mugs…

Following today’s heart breaking loss in the Oceania Cup, the Pig Hunters are now free to play in GL3.

Whilst losing in the Cup is a bitter pill to swallow, participating in GL3 is a good thing, right?

Well, not according to the footage below (taken sometime after the Cup match today)

* Note – The Pig Hunters have already accepted a challenge from Rochdale United for next week.

With just hours remaining before the Pig Hunters’ IV.48 match against Territory Tropicals was due to kick off, manager essenn called a very-hastily prepared press conference.

“We had an unfortunate incident on the flight up here to the Northern Territory this morning. A few of the lads were getting quite friendly with the Virgin flight stewardesses, but as we all know there is always one idiot who has to take it a little too far. As a result, Denis Škapa will not be playing in todays crucial game… it’s kind of hard to run around for 90 minutes when your left testicle is twice as large & twice as tender as your right one! For the record, he won’t be punished by the Club – I believe that having your nuts cracked by a stewardess in front of your team-mates is punishment enough!”

Denis Škapa – nutmegged by a sheila? Oh, nuts..!!

Mercurio

Heerssema

“But the real reason I called this presser was to officially announce the Pig Hunters new playing kits. We’ve recently updated our Blog page, and released our new Club logo, so the time was right to update our kits as well. Late last week we sent a call  out for someone to design us new home and away strips, and the manager of Vi flæsker jer kindly obliged. So a huge shout-out and thanks goes to Cuomos for his brilliant design “

“Now, if you’ll excuse me please, I need to speak to coach Neumühlen about reorganizing today’s match line-up before the deadline…”

The Pig Hunters lost their first game of the season on Sunday, going down 2-3 against the gindi rovers. Playing away from home, the Pigs went behind early on the game, but scored 2 goals in the space of 10 minutes to take a 2-1 lead. rovers equalised before half time and then took the lead with just 10 minutes left in the game. With time and ideas running out, the Pigs couldn’t produce another goal, and the final result meant that the Pigs went home empty handed.

“Our coach Jacques Neumühlen needs to start focusing on our finishing – having 6 chances and only scoring 2 goals clearly cost us this week”, said manager essenn after the game. “Could have, should have, but didn’t… that’s what it comes down to.  This result could come back and bite us on the ass, but we can’t dwell on lost opportunities, we must move on. We’re still in the Cup, and have a big Victorian Derby next week against Preston Titans. 1st v 2nd. Victorian Pride is on the line!”

And as if the loss wasn’t bad enough, to top it all off former Piglet Lewis Hazelhurst has sensationally joined the Pig Hunters’ arch-rival in a $438,000AU deal. ‘Long Neck’ will now be playing for Whites Wongs, and judging by the fans reaction to the transfer, one would hope that he doesn’t get the opportunity to face his original Club. “I hope we brake hiz leg and then hiz arms and then hiz heart and then hiz head coz da Piggies are shitloadz better than the Wongz”, wrote someone on the forums.

Once a Pig, now a Wong… in our hearts, you’re a Flog!!

Although rather disappointed with the weeks events, essenn did at least have some good news to share with the Pig supporters.

“After a long absence, I’m proud to announce that the Pig Hunters have decided to return back to the Golden League! In the past, flag-chasing was our no.1 priority. But with the recent changes made to the format of the Golden League, we felt that the Pigs simply had to be part of this new experiment… an exciting new format that combines Loyalty with Determination.”

“The decision to join GL3 was made following a plea by manager Hojris, who expressed interest in drafting the Pig Hunters into his Group. The MS Odense manager obviously had the ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’ mentally – but his plan back-fired when leebebbs of  The Flaming Wodkas FC saw the Pigs as a worthy 3rd pick, as opposed to MSO’s 4th option.”

“As such, the Pig Hunters will be representing Group E with pride, along with The Flaming Wodkas FC, FC Runenberg, FCOB Kamenice, manseAA & Jenever FC.”

GL3 Group E … no-one likes us, and we don’t care!

“Together, as one… we will beat the big ‘names’ of Group B, destroy the ‘old school Brits’ of Group D, absolutely smash the ‘C’ out of Group C, and bring home the bacon against Group A”

New season, new logo, new Division, new League, new Cup, new GL, new R’n'R…

The League (IV.48)

The Pig Hunters kicked off their first ever campaign in division IV with a moral boosting 5-1 home win against The Revolts. Having been promoted into one of the toughest div IV leagues going around in Oceania, it was important for the Pigs to notch up a win at the Spit-Roast. Having gone 0-1 down after just 2 minutes, the Pigs scored 5 unanswered goals to record a historic victory, thanks mainly to Ola Tungbo who scored a brace. Despite the positive win, manager essenn was still pissed off.

“Seven seasons in V.95, seven seasons praying for promotion into div IV… and when we finally get there, only 47 thousand-odd turn up for the game! We’ll be bloody lucky to win another game in this league, let alone survive in it – and this is the thanks we get! And here I was thinking about expanding the stadium!!”

essenn continued.. “This was probably our easiest match of the entire season – with no disrespect to The Revolts – yet we couldn’t sell it out. All you Pig fans who were screaming for div IV football better show up for the Derby game away next weekend. Get behind the mighty Pigs and help them across the line… FFS, show some bloody pride!”

The Cup

Following last weeks 10-0 win away against Queensland Aussies, the Pigs have been drawn against another bot team in mean machine#2. Another similar scoreline is on the cards, with the Club already looking forward to the Round 3 opponents.

GL3

In a surprise twist of turns, the Pig Hunters have decided to abandon their Flag Chasing aspirations in favour of participating in the newly restructured Golden League. GL3 has seen the Pigs drafted into Group E, thanks to captain leebebbs of  The Flaming Wodkas FC. Final groups have yet to be decided, but rest assured the Pigs are already looking forward to making up for some lost time from the GL!

Rant ‘n’ Rave Cup

The Pig Hunters finally beat their eternal rivals in the Rant ‘n’ Rave Cup, securing a 0-2 win against Whites Wongs in today’s match. It prompted an elated essenn to say;  “Whoever said a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, obviously hasn’t seen this bird…”

The current Rant ‘n’ Rave Cup logo – all camels & their toes are welcome!