About Author: Mr Mayhem

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Charlieboy; This is your Life!

Red book only


Farroni: Welcome to the Golden League Headquarters, here in Poland. Today we have an honoured guest, who was invited here under false pretence. So without further ado, It gives me great pleasure to say to the great Charles ‘Charlieboy’ Colbourne, This is your life!

<Mr Mayhem and Charlieboy enter>

Farroni: So Mr Mayhem, I know you came down on the train with him today, did he ask any awkward questions?

Mayhem: We nearly got off on the wrong foot once, he said to me, ‘I thought you were staying over in London last night’, and immediately I said ‘well Charlie, we had a youth match last night’, he said, ‘thats right, I should have been there only I thought it would be put off due to frost’, so I managed to get away with it.

Farroni: Well thank goodness you got him here, Mr Mayhem as one of his longest serving managers, what would you say was his greatest personal achievement?

Mayhem: Well I would have to say it was something I wasn’t there to see, he made his first U20 appearance for England after being snubbed for the tournament despite being the best keeper available.

baby mod

Farroni: The story starts in the industrial town of Rochdale where you were born into a family with footballing tradition, four uncles are professional players. But at the start of your career Charlie when your selected for the school team you ran straight into a problem, you saved to many shots.

<Soundbite> I had to put a stop to it, the rule was to beat the opposing team, not to destroy their morale completely.

Farroni: Your first ever manager, the school master who was your primary school manager, Jeff Dunlop, here he is.

Dunlop: I was often the referee as well, and when they were beating the opposition to well, I would often blow for mythical fouls, handballs and offsides just to keep the score down.

Farroni: So Charlie, your team were unbeaten for three years, but when your time at school came to an end, so nearly did your football. You won a scholorship, but to a grammar school that only played rugby, however you were saved by the only transfer in your football career, arranged by your parents John and Mary Colbourne.

<Mr & Mrs C enter>

Farroni: Obviously getting that transfer proved right because your boy goes on to be a schoolboy international, and not long after you had football club scouts on your doorstep from all over the country.

Mrs C: Yes it was so bad we often had one at the front door and one at the back and we had to keep them separated. John would go into the front with one whilst I spoke to the other in the kitchen at the back of the house. We were terrified that one of them would say something and the other one would hear.

Farroni: What with four professional brothers Mary, you would have been able to help with his training.

Mrs C: Thats right, one of the scouts at the schoolboy trials said that if he could move a bit faster he would be amazing, so I took him down to the park and we ran drills getting him to react quicker on his line, of course he got his place, but it wasnt through me, he got it himself as he had the ability.

Farroni: I’m sure Charlie, you thought she was a pretty good trainer.

Charlieboy: Yes, she was, I also had my Grandad as well, going through drills with me when my mother couldn’t. He played a great part in my early days as well.

Farroni: To reach the top you worked hard, playing football whenever and wherever you could, and even against players much older than yourself. It wasn’t long before the scouts of Rochdale United were knocking on your door, and you agreed at the age of fifteen to sign a youth contract with the club, under the tutorlage of Politzia, and joined their youth academy, that would later change their name in honour of your ability and legendary status at the club. And here he is, your former manager, Politzia.

Politzia: When I first went to watch Charlie, I saw him leave the field with his arm around his mother, so I approached her and said that before he was twenty-one he would play for England U20’s, and he did. I’m just pleased that he decided to sign with us and that he managed to play for the U20’s.

Farroni: At twenty-three you met the love of your life, and your future wife, the then Miss Charlotte Rigby, it was a whirlwind romance and you married a year later.

<Charlotte enters>

Farroni: I believe that when Charlie proposed to you he took out an engagement diary, is that right?

Charlotte: Well not so much an engagement diary and more a fixture list really. I had to be fitted in between seasons and the Golden League tournament.

Farroni: Well Charlie, you continued to play a major role in the rebuilding of the United team, and a few years later you realised your dream of playing in the Golden League final against X-Team, unfortunately your on the losing side in a three-one defeat.

Charlieboy: Yes, it was a dream come true, as you pointed out the result wasn’t what I hoped for, but its the pinnacle of Hattrick football, and just the atmosphere itself inside the stadium will live long in the memory.

<Soundbite> When I saw the teamsheet, we knew he would be a big threat.

Farroni: Yes, thats right, Xuturo, the manager of X-team is here.

Xuturo manager profile GLXuturo: United were famous for their defence, but getting past their defence was only half the job, beating Charlie was a mammoth task on its own. The scoreline that night hides what a tough time we had facing Charlie, he’s certainly one of the best.

Farroni: Over the years United has become a part of many a rivalry, you particularly have an ongoing rivalry. The relationship between Rochdale and Odense has been friendly and much has been learned from both sides. The rivalry between Charlie and Odense goalkeeper Goldenboy Paolo Baggio started with two young talents at age 17 – Both with great skills and U20 dreams. Through the following seasons the rivalry got bigger and bigger with many peers voting for the two in the prestigious HTU Awards.

<Baggio enters>

Farroni: Welcome Baggio, how do you see the rivalry between you both?

Baggio: I may have won the battle regarding my U20 and NT career and also with a Hattrick Masters match on the record list, but Charlie has done a much greater thing. Being a 5 time, HTUA best goalkeeper winner -with four of them in a row – is memorable like only few things in this world. Another remarkable achievement is his loyalty and respect for Rochdale. To stay at his childhood club and representing Rochdale for close to 450 matches is a record few can match.

Farroni: Back in 2013 Langer House manager AzeemClark said that “MS Odense is the best place for goalkeepers, but the greatest of them all might be the man from Rochdale”. The recognition from Baggio to his long time rival has been heard many times and the words before a Golden League match in 2014 “He is an excellent goalkeeper” was his comment on Charlie Boy. The true respect and honour the best players can get is from the players on the same level. That is why Baggio vs Charlie Boy is still making headlines today.
The rivalry was friendly and intense from day one and when goalkeepers are trained today the teams want to get talents to the level of Charlie Boy because then they get the best they can get.

Farroni: More recently a new rivalry has started to develop in the form of Wodka’s young keeper Leszek Pudełek. I believe you met Leszek prior to him signing for Wodka’s is this correct?

Charlieboy: Thats right, It was at one of the coaching course’s that I have been running. It’s not often we get players traveling from overseas to join the course, but Leszek was one of the few. He showed great potential, and I suggested to the boss that we should try to sign him but unfortunately he chose Wodka’s.

<Leszek enters>

Farroni: Leszek, we heard from Charlie how you travelled to England to go on his training course, why was this?

Leszek: Charlie is one of my idols, as a child I used to be in awe, just watching him play, and after the match would go down to the waste ground with my friends, and try to play like him. When the chance to train under Charlie came up, I pestered my parents for weeks, trying to persuade them to let me go, eventually they agreed. It was such an honour to train with him, and learn things that have lead me to become a professional.

<Soundbite> Golden League Masters, friendly matches, ladder fixtures, or singles matches — Charlieboy doesn’t distinguish between them and he dives, stretches and flies toward any ball that approaches his goal.

Farroni: That voice, is the voice of Paquebot, who has flown all the way from Korea to be here tonight.

Paquebot: One of the endearing memories that I have of Charlieboy was from the evening before a fixture against AS Uijeongbu 07. Rochdale were practicing on one of the auxiliary pitches at the time and Charlieboy took time out of the warm-up session to jog over to another field, to offer some goalkeeping advice to a young boy who was struggling in his own match. It is also a common sight to find Charlieboy signing autographs and posing for photographs with fans well after the final whistle had blown, even after a heavily loss. That’s one of the big reasons, I think, why he is such a fan favorite — his willingness to go above and beyond the normal responsibilities of a footballer, to provide some personal connection with the fans, and to help out when he could.

It’s a shame that Rochdale haven’t been able to capture a GL Master’s title, but that should in no way serve as a poor reflection of Charlieboy’s abilities. He excels at what he does, is talented at mentoring others, and continues to demonstrate that you don’t always need your name in the headlines to make an impact on others.

Farroni: It’s no secret that your approaching the twilight years of your career, yet you continue to play with the same love and fervor of a much younger player.

Charlie: I love this game, and feel I can still offer something to the side. Im realistic though, and know I can’t go on forever, but feel I can still contribute for a couple more seasons at least. Im fast approaching 40, and once I get there, I will re-evaluate whether to continue or not but for now, I feel as fit and as strong as ever. Besides, I’ve still not won the Golden League!

Farroni: Over the years you have become the face of the side, both on and off the pitch, to the extent that the club stuck up deals with both the Co-op and the makers of Subbuteo. What was your view on these opportunities?

Charlie: I was overwelmed, it wasn’t even something I had considered. I remember when I was approached over these two opportunities by the club. It was an honour, and I was happy to do them. As a Rochdale lad as well, knowing how the Co-op was founded in Rochdale, it made it even more special to do.

Farroni: Thank you Charlie for the memories you have let us share today. It’s clear you have made a lasting impression on everyone, and we look forward to following your future, and seeing if you manage to lift the coverted Golden League trophy. All the best, and good Luck!

Farroni to Camera: Thats all we have got time for, thank you for joining us as we celebrate this Lengendary figure. Thank you, and Goodnight.




Mr Mayhem is never far from controversy, investigation’s into his statements regarding Lord Bebbington and his Lost Saxons amongst others have heightened the attention on Dale, and not necessarily for the best of reasons. It now seems that Mr Mayhem is at it again, making comments about MSO’s Goalkeeper, Paulo Baggio.

In a somewhat unexpected move Mr Mayhem has accused  Baggio of failing to perform when it matters most, reflecting on MSO’s record against Dale, of 4 wins, 1 draw and 10 losses. This statement has taken many by surprise, considering Mr Mayhem was in the chase for his signature before he eventually signed for MSO for the 3rd time. Mr Mayhem feels that the fact he has left the side so many times, suggests he isn’t  a really committed to the side  and is only interested in the cash!

He also pointed out that if Baggio was truly the best, surely he would have performed much better, considering that in the 6 games he has featured in against Dale, he has conceded 20 goals.


Post match Saxons win

What a sorry state of affairs that was, a 3-0 humbling at the hands of promotion rivals The Lost Saxons ensured that Dales hands were well and truly removed from the series V trophy for another season. If truth be told, the side just didn’t look strong enough to beat or even draw with the Saxons, and by half time the damage was done.

Dale set out in a 5-2-3 Doughnut formation, sacrificing midfield in the hope of catching the Saxons on the counter, but Dale never looked like threatening the Saxon backline as the Saxons dominated play from the start. The first 20 minutes were quiet, with the Saxons happy to hold the ball, but never really threatening goal, but then a flurry of opportunities came, and in the remaining 25 minutes of the half, took three of them. Dale amassed a measly one shot in the first half, which turned out to be their only shot of the match.

The referee called the end of the first half, and Mr Mayhem stormed off to the changing room, you could almost see the steam coming from his ears. Today was not the day to be a Dale player, Mr Mayhem could be heard ranting and raving at his side, despite the door being closed, and numerous crashes and bangs coming from the changing room. I almost feel sorry for the players, but as a fan myself the performance was dreadful and wished it had been me in there dishing out the abuse.

As the sides returned for the second half the away section were booing and jeering Dale. As the players took their places once more it was noted that Mr Mayhem hadn’t returned to the dugout, but can you blame him, with the performance on the pitch in the first half, who would want to stay and watch the second half, and I’m sure many a Dale supporter was already planning their route home across Manchester.

The second half played out pretty similar to the first, though Dale did appear more motivated to break down the Saxon attack, they couldn’t do anything to hurt them. Defensively, Dales second half performance was much improved, however the three strikers were nowhere to be seen, and future England U20 player Zahren may as well retire now, not touching the ball once.

This match wasn’t for the neutral, the shocking display from Dale meant the Saxons never needed to get out of third gear. But then, who can blame them. Whilst the Doughnut formation may have surprised them, the abject performance to go with it must have surprised them more, and they must have surely expected a stronger side than what they were faced with.

Dale’s two new midfielders were considered un-needed for this match, but perhaps Mr Mayhem will wish now he had played them, as the players on the pitch hadn’t bothered.

Mr Mayhem made a short and brief statement:

“If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out.”

I feel that sums up well the feeling of the fans. Rumour has it that Mr Mayhem is going to complete a major overhaul of the squad at the end of the season, as this side has floundered for far to long now. After this match, I’m sure many fans will welcome this news.


The Lost Saxons – Rochdale United

Somewhere between what many see as a war and players say is just another game, somewhere between a classic and a dud, somewhere between a non-international becoming massive organically and the Golden League Council planning draws to make sure this cash cow is flogged at every opportunity, lies the hard-to-define, often mundane but sometimes magical Lost Saxons-Rochdale United rivalry, which renews itself on sunday, in Week 12 of series V.171. It is being billed as the biggest match of the season for both these sides.

This rivalry is only in it’s infancy, with the sides only meeting five time’s previously, with Dale claiming three victories to Saxons one victory, and the fifth, and most recent match resulting in a draw.

However, the past few weeks have shown that there will be no love lost by both teams as they hunt for the four pointer, after drawing 2-2 earlier in the season. Since then, accusations and allegations have been flung backwards and forwards, between the two managers, to a point where the Golden League Council felt the need to appoint a new President, in an effort to manage the situation. As matchday approaches, extra security has been drafted in from neighbouring towns and cities in the hopes of avoiding a full on mass brawl.

This match, if the actions of the managers is anything to go by, will be a brutal affair, crunching ankles, and bruised bones, however there is hope yet. There is a small chance, but a chance none-the-less, that the players will ignore whats happening off the pitch and focus on the beautiful game we know and love. Now wouldn’t that be a turn-up for the books!


Sumerel re-signs for Dale

Garth ‘Vader’ Sumerel re-signed for Dale midweek as Manager Mr_Mayhem hit the transfer market once more. The 33 year old agreed terms with the club quickly, as once he knew Dale were interested there was no way he was going to let the opportunity pass to return to the club where his career began.


Sumerel during his first training session since returning. Agrawal and Zahren watching on

Sumerel during his first training session since   returning. Agrawal and Zahren watching on.



Sumerel transferred to U.C. Sminkio four seasons ago in a £1.2M transfer after making 245 appearances for the Dale, before going on to make 76 appearances for U.C.S.

Sumerel missed on on the league match at the weekend, but it’s thought he may feature in the midweek GL match against Polomint.

A defender at heart, but able to operate as a holding midfielder, Sumerel brings additional reinforcements to an ever fragile looking defence. Once again, like last season Dale suffer somewhat from injuries, and with an aging backline it is likely to get worse. Most recently, 张 (Zhang) 偌锋 (Ruofeng) picked up a right arm injury, which looks set to keep him out of the squad for two weeks, couple that with central defender Daniel Sattler being sent off, and so missing the next league match, Sumerels arrival is well timed.


Mayhem cranks up rivalry

TLindenDales Roving Reporter

Mr Mayhem today was overheard talking about Lord Bebbington and his lost Saxons in a supposedly secret meeting. He has been quoted as saying the Saxons have been lucky this season, riding on a crest of good will and misguided fanaticism. He’s reported as claiming not a single player from the Saxons side would get a game in the United lineup due to their sheer incompetence, and inability to put on a shirt, nevermind kick a ball.

Looking at the table however, Saxons sit top of the league by a single point over United, so you may wonder why Mr Mayhem would say this, our sources state that Mr Mayhem had put that down to bribes with the referee and opposition, and that had they been playing fairly the Saxons would be ‘lost’ at the bottom of the table.

Frustrated Mayhem

It’s thought that Mr Mayhem intends to lodge a complaint to the HFA, in the hopes of them launching an immediate investigation.


United unveil new signing

Today United made the official unveiling of Sven Schragner (339637621) from French side Ventres Bleus.

Its expected that Schragner will bring German clinicalism to the United side as they push for the title, and he will also be welcomed reinforcement for what is at present, a threadbare squad.

It seems United have learned lessons from last season where injuries hit the squad quite heavily in the final run-in, and look to be planning ahead for the risk of this repeating.

The German wingback may be 35 but is highly skilled and should provide a boost to the side come match day. He has brought back memories of former United player Schulmann who provided typical German disipline to the side.

Welcome to Rochdale Schragner!


Golden League

United make another assault on the Golden League this season, the holy grail of club football has been elusive thus far, with United stumbling in a previous final being their best chance so far. This season United have started poorly, two GL matches, two losses, certainly not what the fans were hoping for, but there is time yet to qualify for the Masters, and time to top the qualifying group. Last season Jazz surprised many in topping the GL group, and Mr Mayhem was in high spirits when asked if his side could emulate the Jazz.

“We have the talent, and some of the best players in the federation. Charlieboy is a perfect example of the quality of the squad, he is now considered an elder statesman in the fed, yet he remains the best keeper around, and he is aiming to win the GL before retirement. We can surpass the Jazz’s achievements, and give the Masters an English winner worthy to hold the title.”

United are having a rocky season in the league, but we’ve seen it before where they do better in the GL when the league is rocky. Does this mean they have what it takes to go all the way? United are a team in transition, multiple purchases, radical change of direction, and a focus on training strikers. The side is still gelling, and results have been a bit hit and miss, but each week the side is growing in confidence.

If we compare today’s United to the side that reached the final against X-Team, which is the better side? Many would claim the current squad pales in significance compared to past teams, yet despite this, Mr Mayhem remains clearly optimistic of his side’s chances. If he can get his side to gel, then he may prove everyone wrong, but claiming they can win the Masters may be to big a claim at this point.


Centurions of Meyhem

Throughout the sides history many players have passed through the folklore of the club, but only 14 players have reached 100 or more games for the club. Amazingly most of these players remain at the club today, and have the potential to continue raising their appearances record. Here we look at the first five players on the list.

1. Charles Colbourne 310 appearances. Is it any wonder Charlieboy is at the top of this list, the only player to currently reach 300 games still has a couple of years left in him, so the question must be how high could the clubs appearance record become. He made his debut at the tender age of 17, after promoting from the academy, he also played for England U20’s.

2. Dean Yates 285 appearances. Defensive lynchpin who was with the club from the first day, he has played in every title winning side bar the most recent one as the side promoted to series IV. by this point Yates had retired from playing and had taken up a coaching role at the clubs Youth Academy.

3. Garth Sumerel 242 appearances. Defence and Midfield utility player Garth continues to play an important role for the squad. He is another player to promote from the Youth Academy and is an important player to the side. His all-round ability means he has been able to provide cover all over the pitch whenever needed. He may yet reach 300 games for the club, despite being in the latter years of his career.

4. Chris Pajak 222 appearances. Another Youth Academy promotee, he has found it difficult to get the games on occasion throughout his career so to have managed over 200 games is quite an achievement. He is one of those quiet players that just gets on with the job, and doesn’t necessarily get the plaudits he deserves. A few years back it was discovered that he was the former managers illegitimate child, and upon discovery he changed his name to reflect this. For more information see http://hattrickunited.org/rochdaleutd/?p=748

5. Nitin Agrawal 206 appearances. The fourth player in the top five to originate from the highly respected Youth Academy, Nitin shot out of the blocks, making a name for himself in the Golden League, leading him to be dubbed a future Golden League star and top scorer, however as his career progressed he moved further back in the lines from forward to midfield to defence where he predominately plays now, however he is quite a utility player and also plays in midfield. Club reporter Linden did a spotlight article on him when he was 21 which you can find here.

It may also be of interest to some that these five players were all members of the ‘almost invincibles’ a 15 match unbeaten run in the Golden League, which I believe has yet to be bettered. Some posts on this can be found here, here and here.


End of Season Awards Ceremony

Soccer ceremony


This past season has been an eventful one for the Men of Mayhem, after being promoted back up into series IV, the side went on a rollercoaster ride with an early exit from the English cup, to reaching the lofty heights of 3rd in the league, and most recently just missing out on the Golden League final, this past week. As a whole the season can be considered a success despite the lack of any silverware.

But now that the season has come to an end bar a third place playoff match against Bellevue in the Golden League, its time to look at the past season and celebrate those players that have excelled this season, to stand out from the rest.

Goalkeeper of the Season

An ever present member of the side this season, he has played an important role in Mayhems final position in the League and Golden League assault. And whilst he isn’t as young or as spritely as he used to be, he continues to be one of the first names on the teamsheet and remains integral to the side.

The winner is…… Charles ‘Charlieboy’ Colbourne.

Defender of the Season

This player has come on leaps and bounds over the past few seasons, and is developing into one of the best defenders to ever play in the side. This season he has come into his own and played an important role in England U20’s making it to Q3 of the World cup. He has played a variety of positions this season, Wingback, Winger, central midfielder and the England Manager also played him as a striker in a few games. He is also a product of the Youth system, which is proving to be an excellent grounding for many stars that have made it to the senior side in recent seasons.

The winner is …..Scott ‘The Sandman’ Sands

Next we move onto…

Midfielder of the Season

This category has seen numerous players being nominated, and could easily be given to anyone of them as they have all played such an important part this season, however we managed to whittle it down to one. This player started in the youth ranks of the side and has worked his way up, and in doing so, into the hearts of the fans with his combative style and heart on his sleeve attitude. He has developed into a player that can play in various positions but is most at home in central midfield where he can dictate play, create chances, and even score the occasional screamer. He was once touted as a future Golden League top goalscorer despite at the time playing in defence. Currently that hasn’t happened but he has contributed numerous assists to the side that reached the semifinals this season, and he played in the sides that previously reached two semifinals and final in the Golden League.

The winner is …..Nitin Agrawal

Winger of the Season

The wings have played a big role in Mayhems campaign this season, be the side playing counter or offensive football the Manager has routinely played with two wingers and the statistics show they have been incredibly effective. With various combinations of players, including Sands, Beeching, Szachta and Tortora, these players have mixed and matched and played as if they had been playing like that for years. All four of these would be worthy winners of the award, but only one can win.

The winner is ….. Francesco Tortora

Striker of the Season

Strikers are the goal machines of any side, the ones that fans and players look towards when searching for the three points on a wet and miserable rainy afternoon. This season has been no different with Mayhem chasing hopes of silverware. This area has also had to struggle with injuries this season, yet performances on the pitch have shown that Mayhem now have depth up front. The striker of the season goes to a player who arrived as support and back-up, and took the chances he was given and forced his way into the squad as first choice striker. He brought a commanding cool, calm and collected German philosophy to an ageing front line and has quickly become a fan favourite.

The winner is ….. Urs-Ulrich Schulmann

Young player of the Season

Over the past couple of seasons Mr_Mayhem has progressively brought the average age of the squad down, yet despite this the standard has risen. Kids can often be rash on the football pitch, but the Men of Mayhem have show time and time again that just because they play youngsters, doesn’t mean they don’t have better heads than there elders. The young player of the season has shown this in abundance this season, A former Horus Falcons player, Mr Mayhem saw a talent his mother club missed and snatched him up for a tiny £187,000. At only 19 his career is only just starting, yet this season he has played 15 competitive matches and has performed like a far more experienced player. The manager has been quoted as saying he plays an important part in the clubs future, and that he will be a player to watch out for.

The winner is ….. Hugo Koláček

Academy Player of the Season

The Charles Colbourne Aprreciation Society (CCAS) has produced numerous first team players, most notably its namesake Charles Colbourne, but other players also include Nitin Agrawal, Scott Sands and Garth Sumerel. The Academy is considered in some circles to be a goldmine for talent. Whilst there are various talents in the current academy squad, this 15 year old defender looks to have a fantastic future ahead of him. A recent addition who has played very few matches for the side yet has impressed immensely in training sessions and both fellow teammates and the coaching staff have been raving about his potential. Only time will tell if he cant meet the lofty expectations his talent suggests, but one things for certain theres no better academy for him to achieve his dreams.

The winner is ….. Hector Heeley

Fans Player of the Season Award

At the end of each season an award is given out to the player that has been voted the best player by the fans, this season was no different and after collating the votes we got our winner.

A former Flaming Wodka, he arrived with promise but needed guidance. At the Men of Mayhem he got this, and over the past season he has forced his way into the managers thinking, and has played a large part in the sides Golden League progression and strong finish to the League. Is he the most talented player in the side? No, but that’s not why the fans voted for him, its because he works for the team, its because they can see what the club means to him and that everytime he steps onto the hallowed turf of Springfield Park he gives it 125% everytime. Everyone loves an underdog story, and that’s what this player is. He shouldn’t be able to match up with his opponents but somehow he does, hes gone from being a future potential, to possibly a lucky charm.

The winner is ….. Ovidio ‘Looney’ Nunez