Uncategorized Archive


Post match Saxons win

What a sorry state of affairs that was, a 3-0 humbling at the hands of promotion rivals The Lost Saxons ensured that Dales hands were well and truly removed from the series V trophy for another season. If truth be told, the side just didn’t look strong enough to beat or even draw with the Saxons, and by half time the damage was done.

Dale set out in a 5-2-3 Doughnut formation, sacrificing midfield in the hope of catching the Saxons on the counter, but Dale never looked like threatening the Saxon backline as the Saxons dominated play from the start. The first 20 minutes were quiet, with the Saxons happy to hold the ball, but never really threatening goal, but then a flurry of opportunities came, and in the remaining 25 minutes of the half, took three of them. Dale amassed a measly one shot in the first half, which turned out to be their only shot of the match.

The referee called the end of the first half, and Mr Mayhem stormed off to the changing room, you could almost see the steam coming from his ears. Today was not the day to be a Dale player, Mr Mayhem could be heard ranting and raving at his side, despite the door being closed, and numerous crashes and bangs coming from the changing room. I almost feel sorry for the players, but as a fan myself the performance was dreadful and wished it had been me in there dishing out the abuse.

As the sides returned for the second half the away section were booing and jeering Dale. As the players took their places once more it was noted that Mr Mayhem hadn’t returned to the dugout, but can you blame him, with the performance on the pitch in the first half, who would want to stay and watch the second half, and I’m sure many a Dale supporter was already planning their route home across Manchester.

The second half played out pretty similar to the first, though Dale did appear more motivated to break down the Saxon attack, they couldn’t do anything to hurt them. Defensively, Dales second half performance was much improved, however the three strikers were nowhere to be seen, and future England U20 player Zahren may as well retire now, not touching the ball once.

This match wasn’t for the neutral, the shocking display from Dale meant the Saxons never needed to get out of third gear. But then, who can blame them. Whilst the Doughnut formation may have surprised them, the abject performance to go with it must have surprised them more, and they must have surely expected a stronger side than what they were faced with.

Dale’s two new midfielders were considered un-needed for this match, but perhaps Mr Mayhem will wish now he had played them, as the players on the pitch hadn’t bothered.

Mr Mayhem made a short and brief statement:

“If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out.”

I feel that sums up well the feeling of the fans. Rumour has it that Mr Mayhem is going to complete a major overhaul of the squad at the end of the season, as this side has floundered for far to long now. After this match, I’m sure many fans will welcome this news.


The Lost Saxons – Rochdale United

Somewhere between what many see as a war and players say is just another game, somewhere between a classic and a dud, somewhere between a non-international becoming massive organically and the Golden League Council planning draws to make sure this cash cow is flogged at every opportunity, lies the hard-to-define, often mundane but sometimes magical Lost Saxons-Rochdale United rivalry, which renews itself on sunday, in Week 12 of series V.171. It is being billed as the biggest match of the season for both these sides.

This rivalry is only in it’s infancy, with the sides only meeting five time’s previously, with Dale claiming three victories to Saxons one victory, and the fifth, and most recent match resulting in a draw.

However, the past few weeks have shown that there will be no love lost by both teams as they hunt for the four pointer, after drawing 2-2 earlier in the season. Since then, accusations and allegations have been flung backwards and forwards, between the two managers, to a point where the Golden League Council felt the need to appoint a new President, in an effort to manage the situation. As matchday approaches, extra security has been drafted in from neighbouring towns and cities in the hopes of avoiding a full on mass brawl.

This match, if the actions of the managers is anything to go by, will be a brutal affair, crunching ankles, and bruised bones, however there is hope yet. There is a small chance, but a chance none-the-less, that the players will ignore whats happening off the pitch and focus on the beautiful game we know and love. Now wouldn’t that be a turn-up for the books!


Sumerel re-signs for Dale

Garth ‘Vader’ Sumerel re-signed for Dale midweek as Manager Mr_Mayhem hit the transfer market once more. The 33 year old agreed terms with the club quickly, as once he knew Dale were interested there was no way he was going to let the opportunity pass to return to the club where his career began.


Sumerel during his first training session since returning. Agrawal and Zahren watching on

Sumerel during his first training session since   returning. Agrawal and Zahren watching on.



Sumerel transferred to U.C. Sminkio four seasons ago in a £1.2M transfer after making 245 appearances for the Dale, before going on to make 76 appearances for U.C.S.

Sumerel missed on on the league match at the weekend, but it’s thought he may feature in the midweek GL match against Polomint.

A defender at heart, but able to operate as a holding midfielder, Sumerel brings additional reinforcements to an ever fragile looking defence. Once again, like last season Dale suffer somewhat from injuries, and with an aging backline it is likely to get worse. Most recently, 张 (Zhang) 偌锋 (Ruofeng) picked up a right arm injury, which looks set to keep him out of the squad for two weeks, couple that with central defender Daniel Sattler being sent off, and so missing the next league match, Sumerels arrival is well timed.


Mayhem cranks up rivalry

TLindenDales Roving Reporter

Mr Mayhem today was overheard talking about Lord Bebbington and his lost Saxons in a supposedly secret meeting. He has been quoted as saying the Saxons have been lucky this season, riding on a crest of good will and misguided fanaticism. He’s reported as claiming not a single player from the Saxons side would get a game in the United lineup due to their sheer incompetence, and inability to put on a shirt, nevermind kick a ball.

Looking at the table however, Saxons sit top of the league by a single point over United, so you may wonder why Mr Mayhem would say this, our sources state that Mr Mayhem had put that down to bribes with the referee and opposition, and that had they been playing fairly the Saxons would be ‘lost’ at the bottom of the table.

Frustrated Mayhem

It’s thought that Mr Mayhem intends to lodge a complaint to the HFA, in the hopes of them launching an immediate investigation.


United unveil new signing

Today United made the official unveiling of Sven Schragner (339637621) from French side Ventres Bleus.

Its expected that Schragner will bring German clinicalism to the United side as they push for the title, and he will also be welcomed reinforcement for what is at present, a threadbare squad.

It seems United have learned lessons from last season where injuries hit the squad quite heavily in the final run-in, and look to be planning ahead for the risk of this repeating.

The German wingback may be 35 but is highly skilled and should provide a boost to the side come match day. He has brought back memories of former United player Schulmann who provided typical German disipline to the side.

Welcome to Rochdale Schragner!


Golden League

United make another assault on the Golden League this season, the holy grail of club football has been elusive thus far, with United stumbling in a previous final being their best chance so far. This season United have started poorly, two GL matches, two losses, certainly not what the fans were hoping for, but there is time yet to qualify for the Masters, and time to top the qualifying group. Last season Jazz surprised many in topping the GL group, and Mr Mayhem was in high spirits when asked if his side could emulate the Jazz.

“We have the talent, and some of the best players in the federation. Charlieboy is a perfect example of the quality of the squad, he is now considered an elder statesman in the fed, yet he remains the best keeper around, and he is aiming to win the GL before retirement. We can surpass the Jazz’s achievements, and give the Masters an English winner worthy to hold the title.”

United are having a rocky season in the league, but we’ve seen it before where they do better in the GL when the league is rocky. Does this mean they have what it takes to go all the way? United are a team in transition, multiple purchases, radical change of direction, and a focus on training strikers. The side is still gelling, and results have been a bit hit and miss, but each week the side is growing in confidence.

If we compare today’s United to the side that reached the final against X-Team, which is the better side? Many would claim the current squad pales in significance compared to past teams, yet despite this, Mr Mayhem remains clearly optimistic of his side’s chances. If he can get his side to gel, then he may prove everyone wrong, but claiming they can win the Masters may be to big a claim at this point.


Centurions of Meyhem

Throughout the sides history many players have passed through the folklore of the club, but only 14 players have reached 100 or more games for the club. Amazingly most of these players remain at the club today, and have the potential to continue raising their appearances record. Here we look at the first five players on the list.

1. Charles Colbourne 310 appearances. Is it any wonder Charlieboy is at the top of this list, the only player to currently reach 300 games still has a couple of years left in him, so the question must be how high could the clubs appearance record become. He made his debut at the tender age of 17, after promoting from the academy, he also played for England U20’s.

2. Dean Yates 285 appearances. Defensive lynchpin who was with the club from the first day, he has played in every title winning side bar the most recent one as the side promoted to series IV. by this point Yates had retired from playing and had taken up a coaching role at the clubs Youth Academy.

3. Garth Sumerel 242 appearances. Defence and Midfield utility player Garth continues to play an important role for the squad. He is another player to promote from the Youth Academy and is an important player to the side. His all-round ability means he has been able to provide cover all over the pitch whenever needed. He may yet reach 300 games for the club, despite being in the latter years of his career.

4. Chris Pajak 222 appearances. Another Youth Academy promotee, he has found it difficult to get the games on occasion throughout his career so to have managed over 200 games is quite an achievement. He is one of those quiet players that just gets on with the job, and doesn’t necessarily get the plaudits he deserves. A few years back it was discovered that he was the former managers illegitimate child, and upon discovery he changed his name to reflect this. For more information see http://hattrickunited.org/rochdaleutd/?p=748

5. Nitin Agrawal 206 appearances. The fourth player in the top five to originate from the highly respected Youth Academy, Nitin shot out of the blocks, making a name for himself in the Golden League, leading him to be dubbed a future Golden League star and top scorer, however as his career progressed he moved further back in the lines from forward to midfield to defence where he predominately plays now, however he is quite a utility player and also plays in midfield. Club reporter Linden did a spotlight article on him when he was 21 which you can find here.

It may also be of interest to some that these five players were all members of the ‘almost invincibles’ a 15 match unbeaten run in the Golden League, which I believe has yet to be bettered. Some posts on this can be found here, here and here.


End of Season Awards Ceremony

Soccer ceremony


This past season has been an eventful one for the Men of Mayhem, after being promoted back up into series IV, the side went on a rollercoaster ride with an early exit from the English cup, to reaching the lofty heights of 3rd in the league, and most recently just missing out on the Golden League final, this past week. As a whole the season can be considered a success despite the lack of any silverware.

But now that the season has come to an end bar a third place playoff match against Bellevue in the Golden League, its time to look at the past season and celebrate those players that have excelled this season, to stand out from the rest.

Goalkeeper of the Season

An ever present member of the side this season, he has played an important role in Mayhems final position in the League and Golden League assault. And whilst he isn’t as young or as spritely as he used to be, he continues to be one of the first names on the teamsheet and remains integral to the side.

The winner is…… Charles ‘Charlieboy’ Colbourne.

Defender of the Season

This player has come on leaps and bounds over the past few seasons, and is developing into one of the best defenders to ever play in the side. This season he has come into his own and played an important role in England U20’s making it to Q3 of the World cup. He has played a variety of positions this season, Wingback, Winger, central midfielder and the England Manager also played him as a striker in a few games. He is also a product of the Youth system, which is proving to be an excellent grounding for many stars that have made it to the senior side in recent seasons.

The winner is …..Scott ‘The Sandman’ Sands

Next we move onto…

Midfielder of the Season

This category has seen numerous players being nominated, and could easily be given to anyone of them as they have all played such an important part this season, however we managed to whittle it down to one. This player started in the youth ranks of the side and has worked his way up, and in doing so, into the hearts of the fans with his combative style and heart on his sleeve attitude. He has developed into a player that can play in various positions but is most at home in central midfield where he can dictate play, create chances, and even score the occasional screamer. He was once touted as a future Golden League top goalscorer despite at the time playing in defence. Currently that hasn’t happened but he has contributed numerous assists to the side that reached the semifinals this season, and he played in the sides that previously reached two semifinals and final in the Golden League.

The winner is …..Nitin Agrawal

Winger of the Season

The wings have played a big role in Mayhems campaign this season, be the side playing counter or offensive football the Manager has routinely played with two wingers and the statistics show they have been incredibly effective. With various combinations of players, including Sands, Beeching, Szachta and Tortora, these players have mixed and matched and played as if they had been playing like that for years. All four of these would be worthy winners of the award, but only one can win.

The winner is ….. Francesco Tortora

Striker of the Season

Strikers are the goal machines of any side, the ones that fans and players look towards when searching for the three points on a wet and miserable rainy afternoon. This season has been no different with Mayhem chasing hopes of silverware. This area has also had to struggle with injuries this season, yet performances on the pitch have shown that Mayhem now have depth up front. The striker of the season goes to a player who arrived as support and back-up, and took the chances he was given and forced his way into the squad as first choice striker. He brought a commanding cool, calm and collected German philosophy to an ageing front line and has quickly become a fan favourite.

The winner is ….. Urs-Ulrich Schulmann

Young player of the Season

Over the past couple of seasons Mr_Mayhem has progressively brought the average age of the squad down, yet despite this the standard has risen. Kids can often be rash on the football pitch, but the Men of Mayhem have show time and time again that just because they play youngsters, doesn’t mean they don’t have better heads than there elders. The young player of the season has shown this in abundance this season, A former Horus Falcons player, Mr Mayhem saw a talent his mother club missed and snatched him up for a tiny £187,000. At only 19 his career is only just starting, yet this season he has played 15 competitive matches and has performed like a far more experienced player. The manager has been quoted as saying he plays an important part in the clubs future, and that he will be a player to watch out for.

The winner is ….. Hugo Koláček

Academy Player of the Season

The Charles Colbourne Aprreciation Society (CCAS) has produced numerous first team players, most notably its namesake Charles Colbourne, but other players also include Nitin Agrawal, Scott Sands and Garth Sumerel. The Academy is considered in some circles to be a goldmine for talent. Whilst there are various talents in the current academy squad, this 15 year old defender looks to have a fantastic future ahead of him. A recent addition who has played very few matches for the side yet has impressed immensely in training sessions and both fellow teammates and the coaching staff have been raving about his potential. Only time will tell if he cant meet the lofty expectations his talent suggests, but one things for certain theres no better academy for him to achieve his dreams.

The winner is ….. Hector Heeley

Fans Player of the Season Award

At the end of each season an award is given out to the player that has been voted the best player by the fans, this season was no different and after collating the votes we got our winner.

A former Flaming Wodka, he arrived with promise but needed guidance. At the Men of Mayhem he got this, and over the past season he has forced his way into the managers thinking, and has played a large part in the sides Golden League progression and strong finish to the League. Is he the most talented player in the side? No, but that’s not why the fans voted for him, its because he works for the team, its because they can see what the club means to him and that everytime he steps onto the hallowed turf of Springfield Park he gives it 125% everytime. Everyone loves an underdog story, and that’s what this player is. He shouldn’t be able to match up with his opponents but somehow he does, hes gone from being a future potential, to possibly a lucky charm.

The winner is ….. Ovidio ‘Looney’ Nunez



Sands representing

Scott “The Sandman” Sands last night made his 9th U20 England appearance, and topped it off with a goal as well. Despite being a wingback, he has played his majority of England matches in the forward position.whilst he hasnt exactly excelled up from, he has performed well enough to repeatedly impress the manager and get called up repeatedly.
Next friday see’s the U20’s return to competitive football at the world cup, after they managed to qualify with games to spare. Confidence is high in the camp, and we managed to catch up with ‘The Sandman’ to get his thoughts on the approaching tournament.

” Im really pleased with the progress that myself and the squad have been making, my form has been good, and im fit and raring to go.Im pleased that the manager has put his faith in me, allowed me playing time, and even putting me up front hasnt phased me at all despite it not being my natural position. I know it may sound cliche, but im just proud to play for my country, no matter the position. As a squad we have been looking forward to getting the competitive games underway, and the confidence in the camp is high right now. At the risk of the curse of the English rearing its head, I would have to say im confident that we have the quality and ability in the side to push for a medal, and who knows with a little bit of luck we could just win it.”

The club wishes Sands good luck in the WC, and were sure he will do us proud out on the international stage. The club would also like to acknowledge that Beeching also has an outside chance of making the squad, so would like to extend there wishes of good luck to Beeching as well. Who knows, but Mayhem may be a big contributor to and England medal yet.


Club on stable footing once more

The board of directors of Men of Mayhem football club today released a statement saying that the club was now financially secure for the foreseeable future, and that they are now running at a profit.

At the start of the season it was announced that Men of Mayhem were struggling financially, and that a bankruptcy warning had been given by the bank of England, but after making a couple of player sales, and a few financial tweeks behind the scenes the club were happy to announce that they were now running at profit. Despite an early exit from the English cup, the impressive run in the George Carey second tier cup has aided the financial side as well as provided fans with something to cheer on the pitch, after an average season in the league.

With this new found abundance of riches its been rumoured that Mayhems manager has been lookingon the transfer list for a long term replacement for homegrown keeper Charlieboy who turned 31 this season, its also been rumoured that the club are looking a forwards, as the pairing of Golovnya and Abascal are aging, at 33 & 36 respectively. Manager, Mr Mayhem however denied rumours, saying that whilst he was always on the lookout for quality players, he wasn’t currently looking actively for any purchases, and that he wouldn’t be rushing into any purchases unless they were exceptional talents who could provide the team with a raise in standard.

Over the last few seasons Mr Mayhem has slowly reduced the wage bill and size of squad, whilst improving the standard of player at the club, but it is notable that there are still some aging players in the side, and that sooner or later they will need to be replaced if Mayhem are to progress to the next level and continue to remain competitive and challenge for honours such as the golden league.