This is an extract of an interview with manager Larry Pampushky that was first published in Offside! magazine1, the official match day programme of Shakhtar Donuts, brought to you in association with Krispy Kreme2, the official donut (doughnut) supplier of Shakhtar Donuts.
You recently ran as a candidate in the Ukrainian U20 election, finishing third. Was that a disappointment?
First of all let me correct you. I finished joint second. In fact, as the other second place candidate voted for himself, and I could not, I was morally a clear second. But yes it was a disappointment for me, but more so for the Ukrainian HT nation as they have deprived themselves of one of the game’s great managers. They only have themselves to blame when they fail to qualify for the next round.
Will you stand again for the position of Ukrainian U20 manager?
No. That opportunity has slipped through the fingers of the Ukrainians, like a handful of sand slipping through the fingers of a small child with small hands3. To be frank, it was clear from the start of my campaign that there was a language barrier. Some of the electorate refused4 to speak English. I found this disrespectful.
Your name Pampushky has a Ukrainian sound to it. Do you know its origin?
Good question. A pampushky is a sort of Ukrainian doughnut. I changed my name by deed poll when I took over at the Donuts. Krispy Kreme2 insisted on this.
Do you have ambitions to manage any other nations in HT?
One day I will manage both the England NT and U20 teams, but I am waiting for a significant reduction in user numbers before I begin my campaign of blackmail and bribery.
Shakhtar Donuts were promoted last season. How do you see this season going?
Life is going to be difficult for the Donuts this season. The chairman is more concerned with improving the stadium than the team. I have had to introduce a youth only policy and so it will take time before we see any great leaps forward in terms of results.
Do you think your chairman’s refusal to sanction any transfers will lead to relegation for the team?
If you are saying that the chairman is a jerk then those are your words not mine. All I will say is that I am looking forward to bringing some fresh blood into the team from the youth academy. By the end of the season we will have 11 academy players in the first team. The future is bright5.
Thank you for your time and good luck for the rest of the season.
1 Not to be confused with a Swedish football magazine of the same name. Legal proceedings are ongoing between the two publications, but it can be noted here that Larry Pampushky has never been interviewed by the (inferior) Swedish version.
2 Other doughnut suppliers are available.
3 To complete this analogy, I’d add that the sand has fallen onto some dog mess (possibly on a beach on the Black Sea coast of Ukraine) and so will not be picked up again.
4 Or were unable. It was hard to tell the difference.
5 Bright in the sense of hopeful. Not the humanistic/atheistic group that calls themselves the brights. I don’t believe in god but that wasn’t what I was getting at here. Confusion avoided I hope.
6 Goodbye, in Ukrainian. A poignant end I’m sure you’ll agree.