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I Heart Donuts

There have been shocking rumours circling around the Donuts’ training ground like a collective noun of vultures circling around a dead badger. The gossip is that the Donuts’ manager, Larry Pampushky, has been questioned by police working on Operation Yew Tree.

It appears there has been a huge misunderstanding arising from Pampushky’s last press conference where he stated that he was keen on young boys. It turns out that he was referring to his policy of bringing players through from the youth team.

The Donuts are now fully homegrown; they have a full team of red-hearted players that have started from the youth academy (and a couple from the old youth pull system). The outfielders have a decent spread of specialities: 5 Heads, 2 Quicks, 2 Technicals and 1 Powerful. Even the goalkeeper is Unpredictable.

“I’ve got them practising shooting from long distance,” said Pampushky, while opening the club’s new wine bar. “Most shots don’t make it to the six-yard box yet, never mind trouble the keeper, but over time I expect them to be scoring from the halfway line. A couple of glasses of shiraz, please.”


Pampushky Gets Ruthless

The cameras of Channel 5 (the UK’s leading television broadcaster) have been following the Donuts’ manager1 this week.

Channel 5 have been stung by scathing reviews of their recent documentary on Liverpool FC. One highly-respected critic1 labelled the show as ‘not as good as the Sheffield United one a few years ago with Dave “Bertie” Bassett as manager.’¬† Other critics have cast doubt on the accent of Brendan Rodgers. Understandably Channel 5 have decided to play it safe this time and go with the cast-iron box-office gold that is the Shakhtar Donuts’ manager1.

In an effort to show his man management skills, the Donuts’ manager1 arranged to have his meeting with young trainee Reggie Safford recorded. Below is a transcript of the proceedings.

Reggie Safford knocks on Larry Pampushky’s office door and then enters.
LP: Hi Reggie. Come in and take a seat. How’s your mother?
RS: She is fine, thank you.
LP: Good, good. She was a bit of a looker in her day, you know. And a bit of a goer. I could very well be your dad!
RS: What?!
LP: Relax lad. Just a joke. Although you do have my nose. Actually talking of jokes, why did Stewart Downing cross the road?
RS: I don’t know.
LP: He didn’t. He couldn’t even cross that!
RS: Isn’t he playing better again now though?
LP: Is he? Oh. Well it’s still a great joke. Roy Keane told me it.
RS: I didn’t know you knew Roy Keane!
LP: Well, not personally. I saw him tell that one on the telly. Andy Townsend didn’t get it to start with. But I understood it straight away. I’d get on with Roy, I think.
RS: What did you want to see me about, boss?
LP: Ah yes. I have a decision to make and I wanted to get some more details about you. What’s your age?
RS: 17 years and 74 days.
LP: Hmm, that’s older than I thought. Are you still Quick?
RS: Yes. You never lose that.
LP: Really? I’ll note that down. It’s a pity you don’t take after your mother though. She was a Head specialist if I recall correctly.
RS: Can we leave my mother out of this, please.
LP: Fine. Do you remember that the last time we met I said that you would be playing for the Donuts for the rest of your career and that if things went well you might even have a shot at NT football?
RS: Yes, of course. It was a dream come true. I bought a new car to celebrate.
LP: Well, I wasn’t one hundred percent accurate in my analysis of the situation. There is a new wonder kid in the academy that will have the same skills as you when he graduates in a couple of weeks but will be some ten weeks younger. So, without beating about the bush, I feel it’s only fair to update you on your prospects now. Face to face. Man on man. Friend to friend. Boss to employee. Larry to Reggie. Actually there is no easy way of saying this.
RS: Of saying what, boss?

Larry Pampushky turns to look straight down the lens of the camera.
LP: You’re fired2.

1 Larry Pampushky
2 Trademark and copyright, Larry Pampushky, 2013


Grilled Pampushky

This is an extract of an interview with manager Larry Pampushky that was first published in Offside! magazine1, the official match day programme of Shakhtar Donuts, brought to you in association with Krispy Kreme2, the official donut (doughnut) supplier of Shakhtar Donuts.

You recently ran as a candidate in the Ukrainian U20 election, finishing third. Was that a disappointment?
First of all let me correct you. I finished joint second. In fact, as the other second place candidate voted for himself, and I could not, I was morally a clear second. But yes it was a disappointment for me, but more so for the Ukrainian HT nation as they have deprived themselves of one of the game’s great managers. They only have themselves to blame when they fail to qualify for the next round.

Will you stand again for the position of Ukrainian U20 manager?
No. That opportunity has slipped through the fingers of the Ukrainians, like a handful of sand slipping through the fingers of a small child with small hands3. To be frank, it was clear from the start of my campaign that there was a language barrier. Some of the electorate refused4 to speak English. I found this disrespectful.

Your name Pampushky has a Ukrainian sound to it. Do you know its origin?
Good question. A pampushky is a sort of Ukrainian doughnut. I changed my name by deed poll when I took over at the Donuts. Krispy Kreme2 insisted on this.

Do you have ambitions to manage any other nations in HT?
One day I will manage both the England NT and U20 teams, but I am waiting for a significant reduction in user numbers before I begin my campaign of blackmail and bribery.

Shakhtar Donuts were promoted last season. How do you see this season going?
Life is going to be difficult for the Donuts this season. The chairman is more concerned with improving the stadium than the team. I have had to introduce a youth only policy and so it will take time before we see any great leaps forward in terms of results.

Do you think your chairman’s refusal to sanction any transfers will lead to relegation for the team?
If you are saying that the chairman is a jerk then those are your words not mine. All I will say is that I am looking forward to bringing some fresh blood into the team from the youth academy. By the end of the season we will have 11 academy players in the first team. The future is bright5.

Thank you for your time and good luck for the rest of the season.
Do pobachennya6.

1 Not to be confused with a Swedish football magazine of the same name. Legal proceedings are ongoing between the two publications, but it can be noted here that Larry Pampushky has never been interviewed by the (inferior) Swedish version.
2 Other doughnut suppliers are available.
3 To complete this analogy, I’d add that the sand has fallen onto some dog mess (possibly on a beach on the Black Sea coast of Ukraine) and so will not be picked up again.
4 Or were unable. It was hard to tell the difference.
5 Bright in the sense of hopeful. Not the humanistic/atheistic group that calls themselves the brights. I don’t believe in god but that wasn’t what I was getting at here. Confusion avoided I hope.
6 Goodbye, in Ukrainian. A poignant end I’m sure you’ll agree.


Donuts Hire Counsellor

Last week the Donuts hired a counsellor to help ensure that the stress of the title race doesn’t get to the players. Shakhtar are an equal opportunities club and so had no problem hiring a blonde for the new role.

On the first day at training, she noticed a player standing by himself on one side of the pitch while the rest of the players were in a group at the other side.

The blonde approached and asked if the player was alright. The player said he was.

A little while later, however, she noticed the player was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, she offered, “Would you like me to be your friend?”

The player hesitated, then said, “Okay,” looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, “Why are you standing here all alone?”

“Because,” the player said with great exasperation, “I’m the goalie!”


Premature Elimination

It looks like the Donuts’ cup run will be over before it starts, as they face unbeatable opposition in the first round (395338786). 97MeldonTerrace have been in existence for 6 years and won’t have any trouble pushing aside the fledgling Donuts.

The Donuts’ manager, Larry Pampushky, put on a brave face at the press conference, noting that the income from the home tie would clear most of the club’s debts. “But this match comes too soon for us,” he added, before telling the following joke.

I got chatting to a girl in a bar last night and after buying her a drink I said, “I think I should tell you that I suffer from premature ejaculation”.

“I admire your honesty”, she answered, “But I only met you ten minutes ago, there’s no guarantee that I’m going to have sex with you”.

“Oh, I know that”, I replied, “I just didn’t want you to think that I’d wet myself.”


Trainees to Fight to the Death

It has been decided at a team meeting that the two Donuts’ goalkeeper trainees will from now on be fighting for their lives. The first keeper to reach Brilliant will be awarded a box of 24 doughnuts. The loser will be doughnutted to death (a bit like being stoned to death but with doughnuts instead of stones; it may take slightly longer too).

Dave Shepherd (359795178), with a TSI of 160, has a slight lead over his rival Michael Roberts (359849102) who is currently stalled on a TSI of just 10.


Stadium Waterproofing

The Donuts’ board of directors have reluctantly been forced into some emergency repair work at The Ring of Dough. Flooding from heavy rain affected all areas of the ground during the last league fixture and so it has been decided that a roof has to be built over the directors’ box and VIP area before the next home game. 1200 seats will be added, bringing up the capacity to 13,200. It is hoped that a home tie in the first round of the cup will pay for the upgrade.


Logo and kit

Many thanks to Arphexa (222702) for creating our logo. It's a clever combination of the Shakhtar Donetsk logo and a doughnut.

Also thanks to the bot that designed our match kit. Any similarity to the Shakhtar Donetsk kit is purely coincidental.

  • January 2018
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