Overly Dramatic Personae

In a press conference yesterday, Head of Recruitment Carl Oppum confirmed that SSW had likely concluded its personnel moves for the season.   Here are the key players likely to line up in the red and white this year.

Forwards

Rolando Blackmon-Thomas:  This young, powerfully built, Boston native was purchased last season for an eye-watering $3.7mm fee and was an initial disappointment with only two goals scored last year (though lack of service certainly contributed to that).  With intensive playmaking training starting to bear fruit, it is hoped that the Back Bay Bull will bounce back this year.

Ruggero Panero:  Nicknamed “the Baker” by non-Italian-speaking fans, Panero generally takes a more withdrawn role and relies on his speed to create chances.  Considered to be one of the main leaders in the clubhouse, Panero has started working on his UEFA coaching badges.

Wings

Alex Barton:  One of only two Wanderers to have been capped by the USA U20 team, the Wizard of Weehawken joined SSW as a 15 year old in Season 62 after being discovered by now-retired scout Tom Christian displaying his formidable pace by fleeing the ghost of Alexander Hamilton at the old Dueling Grounds.  After being promoted to the senior squad in Season 64, Alex has appeared in 46 competitive matches, scoring 7 goals and occasionally skidding off into the advertising boards during rainy matches.

Nick King:  Another Academy product, this Park Slope product is best known for his aerial ability and morbid fear of calzones. King is also the club’s leading active goal-scorer, with 36 strikes in 63 competitive appearances.

Midfielders

Freddy Krug: Nicknamed “Er,” this powerful Ogden native is SSW’s midfield destroyer and the most expensive player in its history, having been purchased for nearly $3.9 million.  Fond of giving a minute-by-minute account of his one U20 appearance, which is perhaps justifiable as he was only on the pitch for two minutes.

Densell Kosarek:  Also known as Clifford the Big Red Midfielder, this Canarsie native has a knack for heading in goals from set pieces.  Despite rocking a mullet, Kosarek is generally considered a leader among the young guns, and is already being talked about as future captain and possibly even coach material.

Luis Aldair Misariscambe:  The World’s Fastest Typo, LAM has been the scourge of program editors since he arrived last year.  While his skills as a midfielder still require some honing, his quickness and defensive abilities make up for a multitude of sins.

David Jorgensen:  In addition to filling in admirably as a reserve box-to-box midfielder and central defender, Jorgenson pulls double duty as Wanderers’ coach.  His memos asking whether he should also receive two salaries for this have been mysteriously misplaced by the management.

DEFENDERS

Terry King:  This Canadian fullback is popular among his teammates for bringing a wide array of Timbits to team meetings, while his towering height helps him intimidate any members of the nutrition staff who might have a problem with that.

Leslaw Malolepszy:  Probably SSW’s best player right now, this polished Polish fullback is deadly in the air and to anyone who dares call him Leslie.

Janos Paling:  The Mad Magyar joined SSW this offseason on the recommendation of Technical Director Damien Leguay, who was hoping that his powerful frame and slick passing ability would allow him to thrive as a man-marker and contribute to the Wanderer’s counter-attack.

Adam Jonas:  The Even Madder Magyar got that way due to all the “Fourth Jonas Brother” jokes.  Having moved to New York this offseason, Jonas has adapted to his new surroundings by embracing death metal and his role as a jack-of-all-trades defender.

Keepers

Two Old Eastern Europeans:  Ferdynand Pasieska and Grigory Gavrik both have veteran nous, fearsome shuffleboard skills and strong opinions about whether whippersnappers belong on their lawns (they don’t).  At this point, they each get considerable playing time, with the role of Wanderers’ No. 1 riding on the vagaries of form and whether its windy out (since Gavrik’s enormous ears make him less aerodynamic in such conditions).  Its fairly likely that this season will be the swan song for both players.

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