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Week 4: Boston Brings The Brickbats!

This week, SSW was able to hold on to its edge in the league by dispatching basketball refugees Boston Celtix 8-0.  The lopsided scoreline does not reflect the hard-fought nature of the game, as Boston clearly subscribed to the “if you can’t beat them, kick them” school of soccer.  While this strategy, if such it can be called, did not benefit them at all on the pitch, it will have long-term carryover events.  Terry King was carried off after a vicious foul, while Leslaw Malolepszy was evidently called “Lesley” one time too many, as he dropped a Celtix midfielder with a creditable right hook to the chops, earning himself a red card and the undying affection of the more scurrilous members of the Wild Fenland Rovers (to wit, all of them).  In general, it was a miserable evening for everyone but our resident hard man, Janos Pailing, who not only gave as good as he got on the pitch but also notched his first career hat trick, good for man of the match honors.

As for the cup, reality set in for us this week against third division Jumping Jehovahs.  While we actually managed to more than hold our own in midfield, we were undone by the fact that our regular set piece takers were unavailable.  Rather than let one of his young charges take the blame, Jorgensen shouldered that responsibility himself, and proceeded to shank a penalty and a couple free kicks.  Since we weren’t able to threaten their goal much from open play, it was just a matter of time before they broke through.  In this case, JJ’s Joe Konopka opened the scoring with a bicycle kick goal that even the Wild Fenland Rovers were compelled to applaud.  From there, we had to chase the game, and they hit us on the counter a couple times to complete a 3-0 win.  Still, this year marked our best cup run yet, and our fans showed their gratitude by burning their membership cards in what I like to think was a form of tribute.

Next week, we get to play a higher-division team in the Sapphire Cup without our two best players, so that’ll end well.  In the league, we get one more bot team before the month that will make or break our season.


Week 3 Recap: Wanderers In First Place!

SSW took on its first human opponents in the league this year, going on the road and defeating AC Poudre Rafters 4-0 to take over first place in V.165.

From the outset, SSW dominated possession, as Janos Pailing set out on a personal search and destroy mission against Rafters’ inner midfielder Drew Shott, following him around the field and kicking him whenever the referee’s back was turned.  These efforts nearly ended in disaster when Pailing limped off with an injury 32 minutes in following a nasty (if not undeserved) challenge from Rafters’ wing Leonard Zurita.

However, this application of frontier justice only spurred us on to new heights:  Rolando Blackmon-Thomas set aside his season-and-a-half long Emile Heskey impersonation to score an actual goal in the 34th minute, while veteran defender Thomas Ylikuju celebrated his first start of the year by doubling our lead in the next minute.  A frustrated Zurita got himself sent off minutes later, and any hope of a Rafters’ comeback left with him.

In the second half,  Wanderers were able to pay keep away almost the entire time, adding additional goals by man of the match Terry King and a second goal by RBT.

Following the win, six Wanderers were named to the series’ Team of the Week (RBT, Jonas, T. King, Krug, Malolepszy, Misariscabme).  SSW now faces two weeks of bot matches before a four-match stretch against its two primary contenders for the league crown.


The End of the Beginning

When we originally set up a team party to watch the USA U-20 team take on Albania, the hope was that it was going to be a celebration of Alex Barton’s World Cup debut.  Instead, it turned into a wake, as a horribly-timed knock in our last cup match and the resulting drop in form put paid to his chances of joining the squad, at least for now.

Of course, we put the best possible face on it.  Denzell Koszarek, generally the leader of the young lads, did everything possible to make it an Irish wake, smuggling in a few bottles of Talisker and an array of snacks usually forbidden by our nutrition staff.  Meanwhile, the Mad Magyars kept the side in stitches by scheming up ever more elaborate revenge plots on the FC Keto midfielder that nicked Barton, while Nicky King debuted a new and wildly successful impersonation of manager David Jorgensen.

For the most part, Barton tried to join in the fun.  However, in the quieter moments, he would stare blankly at his bandaged thigh or look wistfully out the window as the incumbent US winger sent in another cross.  Still, his eyes stayed dry and, by the end, his smiles did not seem entirely forced.

There was one other incident of note.  Jorgensen, incensed by the failure of the U-20 coach to offer even pro forma condolences after SSW spent three seasons focusing all its training efforts on getting Barton to the brink of U-20, offered a few choice Danish expletives and hung up on the hapless national team staffer who called to suggest a training plan for Barton to narrowly miss out on making the senior national side in a decade.  When he turned apologetically to Barton afterward, the kid offered an enthusiastic “damn straight, skip” and turned the conversation to our upcoming opponents.  Who knows if this will hold, but an Alex Barton fully focused on SSW would be a terrifying prospect for our foes.



Pyrrhus of Epirus

Slingsby Lane has a unique energy before a big match.  Its as if the old ground has shaken off the cobwebs and is once again shiny and new: the color of the pitch is more vibrant, the cries of the hawkers louder, the Wild Fenland Rovers’ tifo freer of typos.

While there are times that Wanderers can channel this spirit and lift their play to hitherto unseen levels, tonight it seemed that it unsettled them before their third round match against Fourth Division FC Keto.  As a result, while Wanderers had their share of chances, all the dangerous opportunities fell to Keto.  SSW only stayed in the match because the oldest of Wanderers, keeper Ferdynand Pasieka, was able to ignore his balky knees and make several acrobatic saves.

Then, in the 39th minute, disaster struck.  Alex Barton lingered over the ball a second too long, and was clattered by a studs-up tackle by a Keto fullback.  Barton fell to the turf clutching his thigh and was carried off the pitch.  To all the world it looked like Barton was going to be out for a couple weeks at the worst possible time.  Then, just as the manager was about to send in Nick King to take his place, I became aware of a disturbance on the sidelines.  Barton, desperate to impress the Team USA selectors in his last appearance before qualifiers, was begging our medic, Arijit Chitre, to let him back on the pitch,  With great reluctance.  Chitre allowed him to continue, and Barton limped back onto the field.

With matters still scoreless in the second half, Wanderers finally began to find a rhythm, even if hampered by Barton’s moving at no more than half his normal speed.  Finally, in the 71st minute, the breakthrough came.  A crunching tackle by Freddy Krug led to the ball rolling towards Barton’s feet.  One perfectly-weighted through ball later, and Terry King was one-on-one with the keeper.  He made no mistake with the finish, notching the only score in a 1-0 win.

The hangover from this one will be brutal.  Barton is now battered and bruised at the worst possible time for his U-20 hopes.  The team as a whole faces a tough league match, followed by an extremely difficult cup tie against Third Division aerial specialists Jumping Jehovahs.  Still, tonight is a night for celebration, as SSW is through to the fourth round.



Alex Barton is Nervous

Blessed by the football gods with blazing pace and a keen eye for a pass, Alex Barton has never had to worry about making the team.   As a 10-year-old, the Weehawken Rec League fudged his age to smuggle him on to the travel team.  The first time our youth scouts saw him at 15, they handed him a contract at halftime.  At 17, he celebrated his birthday with cake, ice cream, and a spot in our first XI.

Part of being the anointed one is a nigh-unshakable confidence in one’s own abilities.  In Barton’s case, this can lead to him terrorizing older and stronger fullbacks on the pitch and a steady string of gorgeous girlfriends off of it.  On the other hand, the confidence comes at a price, and not just when he mixes up the names of said girlfriends.  For example, his propensity to try to beat his marker by reeling off 37 stepovers has probably taken five years of our manager’s life.

Now, however, Barton actually faces a battle for his spot.  The USA U-20 team will be announcing its squad for qualifiers later this week, and Barton is among three players battling for one, maybe two, wing spots.  The battle is razor-close at the moment too- all three players have pace to burn and, while Barton’s playmaking skills are better suited to helping a team control midfield, the other two can pump in crosses with a slightly more delicate touch.

Realistically, it’ll come down to whomever’s in the best form at the time, and this is where you can see the nerves start to set in.  As recently as two weeks ago, Barton was in the form of his life, able to pick a pass from 30 yards, cutting back on defenders like a young Arjen Robben, and even generally supportive of the concept of “tracking back on defense,” albeit still opposed to it his specific case.  Now, however, you can see him start to press.  Nothing too dramatic, but the moves are less sharp, less instinctive, perhaps a half-second slower than they were, indicative of a player thinking a bit more than they were.

Hopefully, Barton will be able to find his groove once more, not least because we have a tough but winnable cup match tomorrow.  But will he manage it, and will it be enough to make Team USA?  He (and everyone else at the club) will be on tenterhooks until the squad is announced on Friday.



League Week 2: A Bloodbath At Bathory

Steeple Sinderby Wanderers made the short trip upstate, taking on Dybesciaki Bathory in lovely and scenic Utica.  SSW scored early and often, securing a comfortable 8-0 win notable for a hattrick from player-manager David Jorgensen, which was enough to briefly propel him to the top of our league’s top scorer chart.

While Jorgensen’s Golden Boot campaign is likely to come to a shuddering halt in the next week or two, his place in Wanderers’ lore is likely secure.   The best of a raft of veterans purchased to keep what was then a newly-promoted SSW side in Division V, Jorgensen was Wanderers’ captain from the day he signed on the dotted line, and a cerebral box-to-box midfielder capable of keeping an underdog team cool and organized under the most desperate of circumstances.  All of this was, however, overshadowed by the iconic image of his career, a photo snapped at the moment when, in a rage, he grabbed an opposing defender by the scruff of the neck after having been kicked one too many times.  That combination of fire and ice is still evident in his managerial role.  Most days, Jorgensen runs a disciplined defensive side, capable of frustrating opponents by keeping its shape and surprising them on the counter.  Nevertheless, Jorgensen’s reactions when, say, Misariscabame makes a silly pass under pressure or when Barton acts as if tracking back on defense is for lesser men, can be a sight to behold.  Lets just say that everyone connected with the club has become an expert in the theory and practice of Danish expletives and leave it at that.


A Word About The Kiddos

Since today’s an off day for the senior side, let’s take a moment to talk about our youth program.  The Sons of Steeple Sinderby is designed to locate promising teenagers in local high school and travel teams, give them top-class training under the expert guidance of Jacopo Tezze, one of the best defenders to don the red and and white, and hopefully groom them to be the next generation of Wanderers.  While this all sounds simple enough, the brutal truth is this: they will not make it.

Since inception, our academy has produced precisely two players who have played any meaningful role for the senior side:  Alex Barton, who the coaches think could grace the national team one day, and Nick King, who not only can productively follow the same training plan as Barton, but also had the great good fortune to come along at a time when SSW was younger and poorer.  He would never get a look in today.  Indeed, the backroom staff is privately dubious that any current youth player will join the senior squad.

Compared to those two, the casualties are many.  Tezze has had to tell over 60 lads that their professional dreams were not to be.  Some faces crumble, some manage a stoic defiance belying their tender years, but all are forced to attempt to reassemble lives whose central purpose has been snatched from them.

So why continue the academy?  Because of youngsters like Adolfo Arizti.  Adolfo is one of the most likeable players ever to come out of our academy, a merry soul always ready to to lift a teammate’s spirit with a well-placed joke.  He is also an old school “fox in the box,” a solidly clinical finisher with no other skills of note.  That isn’t nearly enough to catch on with us, especially combined with a lack of elite speed, aerial ability, creativity or the like, but is promising enough that Lux Nova, a squad in the lower reaches of the Italian league was willing to take him on.  SSW only got a nominal transfer fee for him (barely enough to cover his plane ticket and goodbye party) but, more importantly, we also get the satisfaction of providing a young man with a chance to follow his dream and travel the world.  So, arrivederci Adolfo, and may you and the dozen other alums we’ve sent out into the world bring glory to themselves and their new sides.  Unless they’re playing us.



US Open Cup: An Evening With The Wild Fenland Rovers

As is frequently my custom at away matches, I joined our supporters’ club, the Wild Fenland Rovers, in the terraces for our second round tie against Ballybofey United.  Much like the Holy Roman Empire, the Rovers’ name is inaccurate in all particulars:  they are a reasonably well-behaved bunch, located in NYC (which is entirely bereft of fens) and not especially given to travel far afield.  Instead, like the fans of the English club from whom we’ve cribbed our name, the Rovers were mostly respectable adults, muffled against the winter’s day with club scarves and performance fleeces; a phelgmatic, shuffling, stamping lot, gray men and women who handed over $30 to cram close to other gray men and women, huddling under a gray sky in a gray landscape on their gray way to retirement and Florida.  Here, lost in the throng, they had bought another identity for ninety minutes.  They bellowed disbelief at incompetence, cried scornfully to the gray heavens in godlike despair, clamored angrily for revenge.  For $30 they did all this and were not held to account.

In any event, for the first 60 minutes of the match, the bellowing of our fans progressed from melancholy to despair as a cagey, scoreless first half gave way to disaster right after the break as the inexperienced Luis Aldair Misariscabame was pressured into a terrible giveaway in his own end, which Ballybofey midfielder Enrico Presta calmly slotted home to put his side up 1-0.

There matters stood until the 58th minute, when a solo foray by Denzell Koszarek  brought Wanderers level, causing our support to erupt with shouts of cautious optimism.  From there, it was all SSW.  The imperious Leslaw Malolepszy, our man of the match, capitalized on a defensive error to put us ahead in the 67th minute and, ten minutes later, Terry King put the finishing touches on a 3-1 win.

Matters get no easier for the Wanderers in the 3rd round, as we host fourth-division FC Keto 17 at the Lane next week.  There’s the ghost of a chance, as the newly-promoted Keto may need to focus on the league, but the odds are clearly against any further progress. Still, the Rovers will be out in force to bellow, cry and clamor.  Thankfully, I will not be among them, instead tending to my responsibilities from the nice, warm Owner’s Box.


Preview- Week 2

This week, SSW looks to stay alive in the US Open Cup and tries to keep its perfect league record intact.

The hostilities kick off tonight as Wanderers take on fellow NYC natives, Ballybofey Utd. in the cup.  Manager David Jorgensen previewed the game by saying “With Ballybofey’s strong defense, I expect goals to be few and far between today.  We’ve been brushing up our set pieces in hopes that someone can get a head to a corner, but really anything can happen in a derby match.”  In other news, the NYPD has announced that they will be laying on extra security for the match, as SSW’s ultras, the Wild Fenland Rovers, are expected to turn out in force.

The turnaround will be short for Wanderers, however, as they travel upstate to take on bot team Dybesciaki Bathory.  Hungarian natives Janos Paling and Adam Jonas are especially excited for this game, and have promised to bathe in pools of their foe’s blood.  In an unrelated story, I exercised my discretion as Club Secretary to ensure that Paling and Jonas will be travelling separately from the rest of the team for this match.



Overly Dramatic Personae

In a press conference yesterday, Head of Recruitment Carl Oppum confirmed that SSW had likely concluded its personnel moves for the season.   Here are the key players likely to line up in the red and white this year.


Rolando Blackmon-Thomas:  This young, powerfully built, Boston native was purchased last season for an eye-watering $3.7mm fee and was an initial disappointment with only two goals scored last year (though lack of service certainly contributed to that).  With intensive playmaking training starting to bear fruit, it is hoped that the Back Bay Bull will bounce back this year.

Ruggero Panero:  Nicknamed “the Baker” by non-Italian-speaking fans, Panero generally takes a more withdrawn role and relies on his speed to create chances.  Considered to be one of the main leaders in the clubhouse, Panero has started working on his UEFA coaching badges.


Alex Barton:  One of only two Wanderers to have been capped by the USA U20 team, the Wizard of Weehawken joined SSW as a 15 year old in Season 62 after being discovered by now-retired scout Tom Christian displaying his formidable pace by fleeing the ghost of Alexander Hamilton at the old Dueling Grounds.  After being promoted to the senior squad in Season 64, Alex has appeared in 46 competitive matches, scoring 7 goals and occasionally skidding off into the advertising boards during rainy matches.

Nick King:  Another Academy product, this Park Slope product is best known for his aerial ability and morbid fear of calzones. King is also the club’s leading active goal-scorer, with 36 strikes in 63 competitive appearances.


Freddy Krug: Nicknamed “Er,” this powerful Ogden native is SSW’s midfield destroyer and the most expensive player in its history, having been purchased for nearly $3.9 million.  Fond of giving a minute-by-minute account of his one U20 appearance, which is perhaps justifiable as he was only on the pitch for two minutes.

Densell Kosarek:  Also known as Clifford the Big Red Midfielder, this Canarsie native has a knack for heading in goals from set pieces.  Despite rocking a mullet, Kosarek is generally considered a leader among the young guns, and is already being talked about as future captain and possibly even coach material.

Luis Aldair Misariscambe:  The World’s Fastest Typo, LAM has been the scourge of program editors since he arrived last year.  While his skills as a midfielder still require some honing, his quickness and defensive abilities make up for a multitude of sins.

David Jorgensen:  In addition to filling in admirably as a reserve box-to-box midfielder and central defender, Jorgenson pulls double duty as Wanderers’ coach.  His memos asking whether he should also receive two salaries for this have been mysteriously misplaced by the management.


Terry King:  This Canadian fullback is popular among his teammates for bringing a wide array of Timbits to team meetings, while his towering height helps him intimidate any members of the nutrition staff who might have a problem with that.

Leslaw Malolepszy:  Probably SSW’s best player right now, this polished Polish fullback is deadly in the air and to anyone who dares call him Leslie.

Janos Paling:  The Mad Magyar joined SSW this offseason on the recommendation of Technical Director Damien Leguay, who was hoping that his powerful frame and slick passing ability would allow him to thrive as a man-marker and contribute to the Wanderer’s counter-attack.

Adam Jonas:  The Even Madder Magyar got that way due to all the “Fourth Jonas Brother” jokes.  Having moved to New York this offseason, Jonas has adapted to his new surroundings by embracing death metal and his role as a jack-of-all-trades defender.


Two Old Eastern Europeans:  Ferdynand Pasieska and Grigory Gavrik both have veteran nous, fearsome shuffleboard skills and strong opinions about whether whippersnappers belong on their lawns (they don’t).  At this point, they each get considerable playing time, with the role of Wanderers’ No. 1 riding on the vagaries of form and whether its windy out (since Gavrik’s enormous ears make him less aerodynamic in such conditions).  Its fairly likely that this season will be the swan song for both players.